heart toxins

I have been on a happy high for a while now.

Yes, anxiety has crept in about things that seemed to come at me to quickly: my maternity leave being over and having to immediately get in my classroom and pack it up for a big move (I’ll blog more on that later), organizing childcare/daycare for both boys this month while I am busy in meetings that are required for work, a certain almost-three-year-old’s birthday party coming up in 19 days, deadlines for writing, and more.

But with Cort’s help (and the encouragement and offers of family and friends), I have gotten through those things fairly unscathed.

For the most part the past almost three months has been glorious.

That’s right.  I said, glorious.

Eddie can be trying–I mean he is at that age (more about that tomorrow)–but he has been so helpful and cute and just an awesome kid.  My heart has smiled so much with pride lately.

And Charlie?  Oh how that boy has healed all the depression and black clouds in my soul.  His smile, his smell, even his angry man cry that turns into a bit of a womanly scream when I am not quick enough with his next meal make me grin a big stupid mushy mom grin.

I can’t forget Cort in all of this.  That guy has done everything he can to help and encourage. And I would be lying if I said I didn’t get a goofy school-girl grin every time he calls me “pretty lady.”

Yup, my heart has been in a place it has not been in a very, VERY long time.

A happy place.

Yet there is the part of me that wishes for more of the churchin’ to fill up my soul too.  Because it does not escape me that I am blessed.  So very blessed.

So I have started lurking joining in with a community called #SheReadsTruth. It started as a couple gals I know reading the Bible together using the YouVersion Soul Detox program.  It’s a passage a day with a big small question or thinking point for your day.  I try to read it over my coffee first thing when I get up, but because a mad hungry baby is how I generally get waken up, it’s hard to be the FIRST thing I do.*

Tonight it was one of the last things I did for the day.

As I was reading tonight, I found myself nodding along with the parts about being who God created you to be.

Then I got to this:

“Bless your enemies; don’t curse them under your breath…Don’t hit back; discover the beauty in everyone…Don’t insist on getting even; that’s not for you to do.”  ~Romans 12: 14-19 from The Message

I know these things.  And I try to remember them when I am personally wronged.

Anyway, I closed out when I was done and popped over to facebook.

And that is when I saw something that made my heart hurt and my hands want to fly in rage over my keyboard.

“Friends” on facebook (doesn’t matter who they are, family or friends or acquaintances) who are VERY adamant about their Christianity posting ignorant, uninformed hate-filled political propaganda.

My gut reaction was to spew a diatribe about everything that was wrong with the post.  To pick apart each overly simplistic “claim” and announce why it is wrong…especially for people who claim to be living for Jesus, a man of LOVE…to post.  I wanted to rant about voter education and thinking about people as PEOPLE, not as statistics.

I wanted to tell them they were WRONG and HYPOCRITICAL.

But I didn’t.

I just stated that it made me sad. I did not let my hate for their hate compound what was already there.

But I was “curs[ing] them under [my] breath.”

Yes. I was.

It’s hard to give up the toxic thoughts.

Even when you feel like they are right.

My heart is full of love.

It bleeds for those who do not have the blessings I have.

I ache to be a light to people in their darkness.

And yet, even out of these good intentions, toxicity lingers.

I want love for this world so badly, that sometimes it takes the form of hate for that which is not love.

And that is sort of confusing.

This is what I know for sure:

I want my words to be positive.  I want them to be affirming. I don’t want to spread hate.


*Yes, this is about my need for some Jesus in my life.  No, I am not going to post about Jesus exclusively from now on.  This isn’t a “Christianity Blog” just like it isn’t a “Miscarriage Blog” or a “PPD Blog”.  It’s a blog about me and my family.  And the Jesus stuff happens in our family.