things are gonna change…i can feel it

We have a little kitchen timer on our fridge.

Cort picked it up when we started to do time-outs with Eddie over a year ago.

It is set for 2 minutes…since he is 2 years old.

When he goes to time-out, he knows we will push start and he will sit until it beeps.

The time slowly ticks down until the beep.  Then he gets up, tells me he is sorry and we hug.

Since becoming pregnant, I feel like there is a small kitchen timer in my heart set to 31 weeks.

That my time with Eddie being my little buddy are limited.

In that logical part of my brain, I know he will always be my first born.  He will always be my miracle.  He will always be the one who made me a mommy.

But that logical part of my brain is getting all squeezed out lately by my pregnancy hormones, my emotional heart, and a small case of the pregnancy dumbs.

My logic has been edged out.

I can only think of how he is not a baby anymore.  How he is about to be a Big Brother.  How the world he knows as safe and lovely is about to get a big change that we can’t possibly fully prepare him for.

There are many, many days (more than not, I am ashamed to say), that I question why we did this.

Eddie has us to himself.

In 31 weeks, he will have to share.

He shares well with other kids…but he has never shared his Ma Ma or Da-ee before.

Will he fall in love with this new edition?

Or will he fill with resentment?

Will the transition be easy or difficult?

It feels like I just managed to find my way with Eddie.  To be able to find the right groove.

And now that will be messed up.

I don’t want to lose my little boy.

And I know I won’t…but why does it feel like I will?

This week’s prompt was to write about change.  Change, in general, gives me anxiety.
Even good change.