hospital rooms are safe.
secure
quiet and warm.
restful days
snuggly evenings
sleep-filled nights.
Going home was exciting.
the couch felt good.
my own blankets felt soft.
the first nap
best sleep ever.
then the tears came
fast and hard
Eddie is not small anymore
(the tears, they lie)
He doesn’t need you.
You missed his whole childhood.
It’s going by faster than you can see.
blurring
blurring
blurring
(the tears, they flow)
Charlie will be 6 months old when you go back to work
he will be so big
you are going to miss it
it will be the same as with Eddie.
What is wrong with you?
(the tears, they deaden)
When I am not crying, I am nothing.
Who am I?
What does happy feel like?
Who is Katie?
What is fun?
(the tears, they are a release from the robot-self)
disconnect
decompress
relax
recover
but
but
but
it’s so hard
the thoughts and feelings whirl
and then the tears come
take a breath
words from friends:
grieve the differences
soak in the now
feel your feelings
know it will pass
you are NOT alone
let it be
a visit from a friend
laughing
a glimpse at myself if only for a couple seconds
and then a few more seconds
and a sense of calm washes over
for now.
things are not easy this time.
but they are better.
and they will be better.
because I won’t let them not be.
