my boy

Hey Kate, look at your boy.

I turn my head with a smile.  I know exactly who Cort is talking about.

And sure enough, when I look, there is Eddie.

Doing something cute while oblivious to the fact that anyone is looking at him.

Pulling down his pants, copying the dance moves on PBS, counting with Mickey.

your boy.  the boy.  our boy.

For the past 29 months those words inexplicably meant Eddie.

Yesterday, as Cort told me to look over at my boy,a life turned and fluttered deep within me.

It suddenly occurred to me that in less than 18 weeks, I’ll have to ask “which boy?”

We will have two.

Two boys.

Something in my heart constricted as I realized that.

Part out of joy and love and part…

He made me a momma.

He is my boy.

He is my one and only buddy.

He is my entire heart.

When he curls up next to me on the couch, everything is right with my world.

He fills something that I didn’t know was empty.

He is my boy.

And as I pull him close–and his brother flips and flops on the inside–I can’t help but wonder…

Will he forgive me for adding another one?

Can he understand that he will always be my boy?

I have been making a habit of pushing those questions out of my mind.

Because they are unanswerable.

Instead, I sit beside Eddie’s crib when he is scared of the dark, stroke his hair, and quietly sing Jesus Loves Me until his eyes get heavy.

And pray that he will always be my boy.