Just Breathe

Yes I understand that every life must end, aw-huh…
 As we sit alone, I know someday we must go, aw-huh…
Oh I’m a lucky [woman] to count on both hands
the ones I love…
I work too much.
I worry too much.
I get caught up in the piles and the To Do’s.
And because of all this craziness that is suddenly in my life now?  I have learned to slow it WAY down when I am with my family.
Some folks just have one,
yeah, others they’ve got none, uh-huh.
I am awfully lucky for what I’ve got.
I not only have an army of people near and far who love me and are concerned for me and my family, but I have the most wonderful, joyful little family right here under my own roof.
Stay with me…
let’s just breathe….
This week I moved my laptop downstairs to a little “office” that Cort made for me in the laundry room.  
I cut out my computer time before work.
I don’t look at my computer until after Eddie is in bed.
It’s been lovely.
Practiced are my sins,
Never gonna let me win, aw-huh…
Under everything, just another human being, aw-huh…
Yeh, I don’t wanna hurt, there’s so much in this world
to make me believe.
We also got served another punch this week when Cort was passed over for a job he was practically guaranteed.  
And so we leaned on each other.
We are finding more quiet moments now that I am so busy.
We are talking more.
We have better discussions.
Stay with me…
you’re all I see.
Cortney and Eddie are my rocks.
Cort brings Eddie to school every Wednesday so I will never have a day that I don’t see my wee little guy.  
Eddie never cares what our job situations are.  He just loves to love life.
Did I say that I need you?
Did I say that I want you?
Oh if I didn’t I’m a fool, you see…
No one knows this more than me.
As I come clean…
I have been struggling with mom guilt and with wife guilt and with friend guilt and with blogger guilt and with weight guilt.
But my boys?  They just are there.  They are there when I need them.  They listen as I cry.  They laugh when life gets crazy.
We make do.
We celebrate the small moments…even if it’s just for 30 minutes after school in my classroom.  We are together.
And I need that.
And I love that.
I wonder everyday
as I look upon your face, aw-huh…
Everything you gave
And nothing would you take, aw-huh…
Nothing would you take
Everything you gave…

This crazy life has made me realize how lucky I am.

I don’t think my boys will ever EVER know how thankful I am for them.
The funny thing is, most of this busyness is FOR THEM.  
And they never complain about me being gone.  Ever.
The house gets cleaned.  The errands get run.  The bills get paid.
With me never saying anything.
I am so very lucky.
Did I say that I need you?
Oh, did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn’t I’m a fool, you see…
No one knows this more than me.
As I come clean, ah-ah…

I can’t do anything without Cort and Eddie’s support.
My buddy turned 15 months in this whirl of madness.  He is babbling, and walking backwards, and doing Ring Around the Rosie’s, and climbing on things, and loving books.
His brillance makes me want to be better.
Cortney keeps our house running.  He pays the bills.  He keeps us comfy.  He makes it so Eddie never knows that we are struggling.
He supports my weight loss (I am holding fast at 193, by the way.  But it is good.  Lots of good choices this week).
He does things that aren’t his favorite (like family pictures) to make me happy.
He somehow keeps persevering after each rejection because he is strong.
He keeps this family going.
Nothing you would take…
Everything you gave.
Love you til I die…
meet you on the other side.
Together we hold on.  We just breathe.
*lyrics from the song “Breathe” by Pearl Jam
This is also my McFatty Monday post.  Hop on over here for more.

McFatty Monday…some progress

Once again I am here to share my results of the past week in my quest to be less of a tub more healthy.

This week is full of good news! 

First of all, I weighed in at 193 this week!  That is 5.5 pounds less than last week.

Now, before you start congratulating me, I must say I think this is due to a few things.

For one, I failed to mention in last week’s McFatty post that some of my extra weight last time was maybe most definitely due to that womanly thing that happens every month.  I was ALL sorts of bloated.

So this week, I noticed my pants fasten a little easier.  In fact Friday night at the homecoming game, I found myself constantly pulling up my capri pants so that i wouldn’t moon the whole dang home side.

I also lowered my calorie intake.  You all totally confirmed my suspicions that 2100/day is just too much. I am now at a goal of 1700/day.  It’s a LOT harder to stay in that limit, I am finding!  In fact, I went over twice this week.  Oops.

Also this week Saturday I did the Susan G Koman Race for the Cure 5k.  I’ll blog more about that later, but that was 3.2 miles of walking/running that allowed me to have two bites of Eddie’s cupcake at a birthday party later that night…and STILL stay under my caloric goal for the day!  WOOT!

I must pause here and thank Kristin for all her help with making over my breakfasts.  Eggs, wheat toast, and yogurt with granola have been keeping me happy until lunch for sure!  This week I am making over my lunches.  Trying to add some more healthy proteins to get me through the rest of the day.  And as always?  I am doing my best to drink more water and less, well, less of everything else. 

(Although this has been a BAD week for sweet, delicious coffee drinks.  They are my rewards for things, people, and I cannot quit them).

I’ll keep you all updated if I find anything particularly wonderful for lunch.  I am sure I will.  Kristin posted some yummy ideas, and I am excited!

And of course I must give the lovely Blair big ups for creating this lovely way of keeping myself in check!  Go check out her McFatty update.  And of course the rest of them here along with the button so that you too can join in on McFatty Mondays if you so desire!.

McFatty Monday…The First Post

**CAUTION: this post is me being the most honest I have ever been about my most hated subject: my weight**

I am doing it.  I am joining McFatty Mondays.


I have been reading many of my bloggy friends do McFatty Mondays now for a WHILE (including Blair, who came up with this ridiculous great idea), and I have been rooting them on and thinking them so great and brave and awesome for putting their celebrations and failures out there on the old internet for all to see.

I didn’t want to do it though.

Until now.

You guys?  I watched that dumb vlog of mine.  And I wanted to cry at the hot dog that is under my chin and the rolls on my gut.

When did this happen!?!?!

Today I had Cort take pics of me.  Caution: these are extremely scary.  I almost vom-ed a little in my mouth when I looked at them.  But here they are:

DUDE!  who stuck a spare tire in my tank top?  And what are my shorts DOING?  They are long, they are not supposed to try to ride up into my nether regions like that…oh wait, my thighs are eating them!

This is so sad.  This is the same place I stood June of 2009 to pose for my 9 month preggo picture.  See…

Now here is the part that blew my mind.

When I went in one day before giving birth?  My weight was 198.  I had only gained 20 pounds.  Cort and I had fist bumped because my goal was to keep it under 200 and I did it!

After having Eddie, I lost all 20 of those pounds plus 10 more.  See how great I looked….

And then…somehow somewhere, I found all THIRTY of those pounds back.

People?  Today I weighed in at 195.  ONE HUNDRED AND NINETY FIVE POUNDS.  that is only 3 less than when I gave BIRTH to a 9.5 pound child.

Cort and I discussed after I wanted to start knifing the fat off that this is what happened….

Before getting pregnant I had decided I need to lose weight.  So I hit the gym HARD and bettered my eating habits.  I was down to 175ish when I first got pregnant.

I didn’t stop when I was pregnant.  Well, I did, because I was throwing up and tired all the time, but I also quit all soda, coffee, and junk.  I wasn’t hungry for any of it anyway, so it was easy to quit.  I actually continued to lose weight the first couple months of pregnancy.

After the first trimester, I started walking again.  And the only snacks I had were fruit and the OCCASIONAL jelly belly.

I did so great.

After Eddie was born?  I lost all the weight.  I truly think it’s because I was so sore, tired, and overwhelmed that food did not sound good to me for over a month after he was born.

I didn’t start to notice weight going back ON my body until after Christmas. And then it was just a small amount.  I promised myself I would get back into shape once my crazy schedule chilled out.

But I didn’t.  What I did was start anti-depressants.  That had a side effect of weight gain.

Couple that with not eating the best foods and doing zero exercise and I had a bit of a problem.

I tried running this summer.  I really did.  My knee injury did not help the quest for exercise.  And then with me being the crazy quitter that I am, I never really got back on the training wagon like I should have.

That being said, next week’s 5K is going to be more of a run/walk than a run.

Ahem.  Anyway.

So now that I weigh the same as I did when I gave birth, I hate myself.  Ok, I don’t hate my WHOLE self, but I am really, REALLY mad and disappointed with what I have let happen.

I am so driven to succeed in every other area of my life…why can’t this be one too?

And that is how I ended up on McFatty Monday.

Every Monday I hope to share my failures and my celebrations (please, please let there be more celebrations than failures!).  I’ll share what works and where my pitfalls are.

Right now I know that regular exercise just can’t be fit into the schedule, but that doesn’t mean I am not going to try to be healthier.

So…here I go.