I hurt myself today
To see if I’d still feel.
I focus on the pain,
The only thing that’s real.

Sometimes it feels like I am watching the world through my front window.

The world–mostly my friends–is having fun and doing great things.  All with each other.

While I sit in my living room amongst the toys and the whining toddler and the waves of nausea and smell of toddler poop.

I feel forgotten.

Maybe not completely forgotten, but avoided.  Avoided long enough that I have been forgotten.

Nobody wants to invite the downer.

Nobody wants to try to “have fun” with someone who is going through a “phase”.  Again.

What have I become,
my sweetest friend?
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end.
You could have it all,
My empire of dirt.
I will let you down,
I will make you hurt.

My jokes fall short.

I break plans and then wallow when no one invites us around anymore.

I tell myself that I am a terrible friend, wife, daughter, mother.

But I want people to like me.

I am a ball of contradictions.

I don’t make sense.  To you or myself.

I let myself down by not accomplishing my goals.

I let my loved ones down by not doing what I say I will do.

I am unreliable.

I am unstable.

I have done this to myself.

I wear this crown of shit,
Upon my liar’s chair.
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair.
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear.
You are someone else,
I am still right here.

My friends and family move on and live without me.

I am still here.  Behind my window.

And when I feel better?  When I snap out of it?

Everyone has changed.

There is no trust.

There is no laughter.

There are eye rolls and polite nods.

And an empty inbox.

And a quiet cell phone.

If I could start again
A million miles away,
I would keep myself.
I would find a way.

I wish I knew when this began.

I wish I could go back and keep Katie the way she was.

I wish my friends would treat my like they always did.

I wish “depression” wasn’t a deal breaker.

*”Hurt” is by Nine Inch Nails, but I chose to use the Johnny Cash version because it is hauntingly beautiful.