My post for The Red Dress Club is on my other blog, Exploded Moments today. I would love it if you would check it out. Today’s prompt was to write about something you still remember by heart from your childhood.
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As I stood in the shower this afternoon, tears welled up in my eyes.
I could feel the lump in my chest.
No. Not that feeling. No.
But I could do nothing to stop the tears, so I stuck my face in the hot stream of water to try to wash them out of existence.
I knew this feeling. It would creep up while I was teaching or grading or while I was eating my lunch at my desk.
Mom Guilt.
I should be home with my son. What is he doing right now? Does he miss me? How is he napping? Does he miss me? Does he care that I am not around all day? Has he said any new words? Is he doing any new things? I should be there with him. I should be singing and dancing and playing with him.
And now I am home.
But the feeling is back.
This morning we were up by 7:30am but didn’t do anything until 10am.
Most people would say, “who cares? It was your first day off? Spend the whole day in jammies.”
But I was so crabby. Because I had this gnawing feeling creeping up the back of my neck and making a nest of ugly in my brain.
My only thought all morning was:
If he was at daycare? He would have done 542098045 things by now. And what has he done here? Nothing.
I felt like a fail for having the TV on PBS all morning.
I felt like a fail for having my computer not just on, but open so that I could constantly check and tweet.
I felt like a fail for reviewing all my To Do lists for my blogs and for the house.
I felt like a fail for wishing I could just sit around on pinterest and read all day.
I just felt all failish. Like I was depriving him of fun and learning and toddler-ness.
So I got us out of the house. Fast.
To get groceries. People? He does not love getting groceries.
So we played outside for about an hour when we got home, but I couldn’t help thinking I should take him to a park where there are more options for playing.
I am sure he did not care.
I am sure he was just having a great day running around with mom.
Logically I know this. But my head…oh my head let it go.
After lunch he took a nap and I plowed through some chores before taking a shower.
Finally the feelings wouldn’t stay inside anymore. It’s like the warm shower opened up my pours and my tear ducts. My emotions and guilty feelings came tumbling out.
I would like to say I washed them away and let them go down the drain and came out refreshed.
I wish that shower was symbolic and lovely that way.
But it wasn’t and I didn’t.
Sigh.
I forgot how hard these transitions are on me.
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