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You are here: Home / Archives for i feel like a fail

my new mom guilt

June 7, 2011 By Katie

My post for The Red Dress Club is on my other blog, Exploded Moments today.  I would love it if you would check it out.  Today’s prompt was to write about something you still remember by heart from your childhood.

*************

As I stood in the shower this afternoon, tears welled up in my eyes.

I could feel the lump in my chest.

No.  Not that feeling. No.

But I could do nothing to stop the tears, so I stuck my face in the hot stream of water to try to wash them out of existence.

I knew this feeling.  It would creep up while I was teaching or grading or while I was eating my lunch at my desk.

Mom Guilt.

I should be home with my son.  What is he doing right now?  Does he miss me?  How is he napping?  Does he miss me?  Does he care that I am not around all day?  Has he said any new words?  Is he doing any new things?  I should be there with him.  I should be singing and dancing and playing with him.

And now I am home.

But the feeling is back.

This morning we were up by 7:30am but didn’t do anything until 10am.

Most people would say, “who cares?  It was your first day off?  Spend the whole day in jammies.”

But I was so crabby.  Because I had this gnawing feeling creeping up the back of my neck and making a nest of ugly in my brain.

My only thought all morning was:

If he was at daycare?  He would have done 542098045 things by now.  And what has he done here?  Nothing.

I felt like a fail for having the TV on PBS all morning.

I felt like a fail for having my computer not just on, but open so that I could constantly check and tweet.

I felt like a fail for reviewing all my To Do lists for my blogs and for the house.

I felt like a fail for wishing I could just sit around on pinterest and read all day.

I just felt all failish.  Like I was depriving him of fun and learning and toddler-ness.

So I got us out of the house.  Fast.

To get groceries.  People?  He does not love getting groceries.

So we played outside for about an hour when we got home, but I couldn’t help thinking I should take him to a park where there are more options for playing.

I am sure he did not care.

I am sure he was just having a great day running around with mom.

Logically I know this.  But my head…oh my head let it go.

After lunch he took a nap and I plowed through some chores before taking a shower.

Finally the feelings wouldn’t stay inside anymore.  It’s like the warm shower opened up my pours and my tear ducts.  My emotions and guilty feelings came tumbling out.

I would like to say I washed them away and let them go down the drain and came out refreshed.

I wish that shower was symbolic and lovely that way.

But it wasn’t and I didn’t.

Sigh.

I forgot how hard these transitions are on me.

*************

A Handmade Summer is kicking off today on the Sponsor Page with a highlight of mL photography!

I have TONS of reviews, giveaways, discounts and more coming up this summer to show my love for you and for those who have loved me.

So stay tuned and check back often!

Filed Under: anxiety, depression, Eddie, mental health Tagged With: Confessions, i feel like a fail, mom guilt

waves of guilt

April 18, 2011 By Katie

I didn’t want to wake him since there was nothing he could do.

I made sure I closed the door completely before feeling for the light switch.

The brightness was momentarily overwhelming and disorienting as I struggled against the pressure of the cramps to get to the toilet.

Please let this be it.  It just hurts so much.  I want it to be over.

Nothing happened.  Almost nothing.  There was a trickle of pee and blood, but none of the pressure was released.

I pulled my pajamas and underwear back up and sunk to the linoleum floor.  Going to back to bed seemed ridiculous.  The pain was so bad, I would be up again in no time.

I would go to the couch.

How much longer?  Last time it didn’t hurt like this.  But last time there was…less.

I made it as far as the door on my hands and knees.  A massive wave of pain crippled me and reduced me to the fetal position.

I moaned a bit as I rubbed my foot on the carpet of the hallway.  The motion of my foot moving back and forth somehow distracted my consciousness from the stabbing in my gut.

I can’t move.  Please, Lord.  Please let this be over swiftly. Please end this pain.

The cat found me and began to rub his face against mine.  I groaned; he paced.

I began to silently cry as I prayed for relief; the cat began meowing and pawing at our bedroom door–trying to wake Cort up…to tell him something was wrong.

Luckily, Cort is a heavy sleeper.

I really didn’t want him to get up, and at the same time I longed for someone to come and take this all away.  But he couldn’t, so it was no use having him involved.

At some point during my tears and prayers and mechanical foot rubbing, I dozed off.

My eyes fluttered open and for a fraction of a second, I forgot why I was on the floor of the hallway staring up at the bathroom light.

How did I get here? Wait.  I was going to sleep on the couch.  Why does my foot hurt so much?

My hand immediately clutched my abdomen as the next wave hit, and I turned my face into the carpet to stifle a cry.  I slowed my breathing and began to suck in through my nose and release through my mouth.

My foot started moving against the carpet again, but it hurt.  It was raw.  I rubbed anyway.  It was better than the other pain.

I knew I needed to go back to the toilet and try again.  I at least needed to change things and clean up.

When will this be over?  Why did I choose to do this on my own?  Lord, I am not strong enough.  I can’t do this.  Will it always be this way?  Will I ever have something to hold after all the pain?  After all the hurt?  Will there ever be a….a…. reward?

The currents of pushing and cramping and praying and crying and panting and crawling endured with me throughout the night.  Eventually Cort found me in dusky light of morning passed out in a ball on the couch, shivering.

He gently wrapped me in a blanket and asked why I hadn’t woken him.

It would be too much.  Just go to work.  I will be fine.

I told him I didn’t know.

We both looked at each other, his eyes asking the questions he couldn’t bare to ask.

I told him, no, not yet.

He told me it wasn’t my fault.  He wanted to make sure I knew.

I told him I knew.

But I didn’t.

The prompt this week asked us to be inspired by the color red.  This post has been on my heart for three years.  I know it’s not perfect (I went over in words), but it’s the first time I put the actual experience out there. It could be told better…but I really don’t care to know how at this point.  If something is confusing though, I do want to clear that up, so please ask.

If you or someone you love has experienced perinatal loss, Unspoken Grief is a wonderful, safe place to share and find support.

Filed Under: mental health, miscarriage, pregnancy Tagged With: holding on, hot mess, i feel like a fail, letting go, memoir post, Remembe{red}, stuff that sucks, The Red Dress Club, the second miscarriage, uncertainty, we get through the hard stuff

the theory

April 7, 2011 By Katie

Lately I feel like I have been going through life in someone else’s body.

My blogging friend, Miranda, described what I feel perfectly here.

When I think of myself, I see pretty.

When I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror or window or photo?  I have to do a double take; I just don’t recognize that large girl that is moving the same way I am.  I see fat.

When I picture myself getting ready for work or for a night out, I see myself looking great.

In the mirror as I get ready?  I fight back tears.

Poor Cortney has watched me have complete meltdowns over dresses and pants that I thought fit that in reality stretch and bunch and pudge all over the place.

He has listened to me sob about how this is not me.

And it’s not.

So why am I still sitting here drinking a diet coke and eating cheese-its while I type type type away?

Why do I feel a little dead inside, but still eat peanut butter m&ms before bed?

Why, if I know it’s bad for me, do I crack another soda instead of filling up my water?

It’s not that I don’t know the solution to being fat.  I think everyone does.

Eat better; move more.

I tested this and won before and during my pregnancy with Eddie.  I was on the AWESOME track.

But life happened and medication happened and the weight is all back and my bad habits are in full force.

Fuller force actually.  I weigh more now than I did when I went into the hospital to give birth to Eddie.

Yeah.

I am paranoid about my fat.

I tell everyone that I have gained a zillion pounds.

It’s not because I want someone to tell me I am not fat.  It’s to let people know that I know.

I am aware that what I am putting in my mouth is crap.

I am aware that I don’t move my arse.

And even though you say you’re not?  I feel judged.

Because I have judged.

Haven’t you?  Haven’t you seen the girl from high school and thought, “woe.  put on a few pounds!”

Yeah, well, I am that girl.

Now.

So I tell people so they know that I know.

And now my thoughts are more of relief, “oh phew.  she gained weight too”

Still not nice.

But I will look at those women and wish I looked as good with the extra pounds.

And in my head I do.

Until I look in a mirror or see a photo of myself.

Then I see this…

and why am I not standing up straight? sigh...

Why oh why am I just writing about this and not DOING anything about it?

I have a theory.

I think being fat–at least for me–is an unhappy, unhealthy addiction.  Much like smoking.

Cortney used to be a pretty heavy smoker, so I ran this theory by him and he nodded the whole time, so I feel that maybe I am not too far off.

Cort hated that he was a smoker.  In fact, when his dad was diagnosed with lung cancer–from smoking–he wanted to quit so bad.  He felt guilt every time he lit up.  And everyone kept asking him if he was going to quit and get healthy and do it for his future family.  He did not want to smoke.

Yet he kept smoking for two more years after his dad passed away.

It wasn’t for lack of trying to quit.  He tried to quit before his dad was ever diagnosed, but he tried more frequently after that.

He just wasn’t ready.

Part of him needed that addiction.  Something in his mind.

When he was ready to be done?  He took the steps and quit.

He has been smoke-free for going on four years now.

I am fat.  I know it’s unhealthy.  I hate the way it makes me look and feel just like Cort hated the way smoking made him smell and feel.

I hate that playing with Eddie and doing laundry makes me wheeze just like running or doing a lot of up and down the stairs used to make Cort breath hard.

I hate feeling judged every time someone sees me put a piece of chocolate in my mouth  just like Cort hated being judged every time he stepped outside to light up.

I KNOW I am unhealthy just like Cort knew he was.

But I can’t stop.  Not just like that.

The only thing that kicked my butt before was the possibility of getting pregnant.  My body had to be fit for someone to live there.

In 2007, I had had a miscarriage and we decided we DID want to be parents after all.  That is when Cort got healthy.  He did not want any of our kids to know him as a smoker.

In 2008, we tried to get pregnant again.  That is when I got healthy.

I need to refocus my guilt and self-hate into a yearning to be healthy for my family.

I need to find a reason to get rid of this addiction.

It’s easy to say “I need to be healthy for my family.”  Bloggers say this all. the. time.

But it’s not as easy to buy into.

It’s hard to quit and addiction…a learned sickness.

Being fat is a learned sickness for me.

And I have to relearn how to want to get better.

Also…I wonder if they make Chantix to help me quit eating my feelings.  No?  Darn.

Ok…back to small, baby steps.

What do you do to stay healthy?  What motivates you to take care of yourself?

*************

Will you also take the poll in my sidebar? I have been thinking of possibly trying my hand at more fiction, but I don’t know if this blog is the right place to do it, or if I should put it over at Exploded Moments.

I want to write what you want to read.

The poll is to the left.  Thanks!

(I also posted one on facebook on my fan page if that is easier)

Filed Under: Sluiters Tagged With: Confessions, holding on, hot mess, i feel like a fail, poop, questions about life, stuff that sucks

clog

April 3, 2011 By Katie

Eddie is almost two.

We both turn 33 this year.

We need a newer, bigger vehicle.

The basement has to get finished.

Miss Amy might not be able to take Eddie full time in the fall, let alone add one.

Cort is concerned with my anxiety dealing with one child.

I am on medication.

My job is uncertain.

Cort’s job doesn’t pay very much yet.

We both have jobs.

I have been putting too much pressure on my writing self.

Eddie is not my baby anymore.  He is my big boy.

Three pregnancies.  One baby.  Can a miracle happen again?

I can’t even bring myself to pick up the toys.

Yes, we are thinking about it.

No, we are not acting on it.

I think I will take a nap.

Maybe it will all solve itself.

My words fail me.

Your words are unreadable to me right now.

Please don’t leave.

Filed Under: anxiety, mental health, Sluiters Tagged With: blogging is eluding me, hot mess, i feel like a fail, i overextend my ass, uncertainty

modern love

March 5, 2011 By Katie

I have been struggling with this week’s confession for sometime. I didn’t know if I wanted to share it or not because I know it can be a touchy subject…especially in my extended family.

But since I have a commitment to honesty…

We don’t go to church.

Notice I did not say we don’t believe in God or that we don’t believe in church.  We just don’t go.

I’d love to say it’s because we are so busy and we just don’t have time.  Really.  Then I would feel like I had a legitimate excuse (if there is such a thing when it comes to skipping out on church).  But we don’t have a reason other than we just don’t want to go.

Cort and I were both raised in pretty strict, religious households–both part of the Reformed Church of America.

My family went to church every Sunday (morning service, Sunday school, and evening service) and every Wednesday (catechism and choir when we were little, cadets later for my brothers, and youth group in middle and high school).  My dad was a deacon; now he is an elder.  My mom taught Sunday school.  Both parents still participate in Bible Studies and other activities.

Even after college, when I was living by myself, I would get up early every Sunday to meet my parents at church.

Until Cort and I started dating.

I think I was always looking for a reason not to go.  The church  my parents go to had changed.  It was bigger–there had been a remodel and an addition added to the church.  Instead of worshiping in a beautiful old sanctuary, we were now sitting in an auditorium.

It just stopped feeling like church to me.

So I stopped going.

Oh, we kept saying we would go back…eventually.

And at first, Cort’s home church was more appealing.  Even though it is right across the street from my home church (yes, we are from a small town.  A small town with a LOT of churches), it is smaller and more traditional looking.

This is why I picked for us to be married there.  The sanctuary is almost chapel-like.  It has beautiful pillars out front.  It feels like church.

But yet, we  have only gone a handful of times.

Something there is missing for us.

Before Eddie was born, we found a church we loved.  Also part of the RCA, it was very old; the sanctuary was drafty and creaky and dark.  The stained-glass windows streamed sunlight onto the congregation.  The old creeds were recited.  The order of the service was still printed in bulletins and it followed the traditional order of things.

It also had female preachers and decons and elders.

It was traditional to the core, but forward-thinking.

Just like us.

Conservative style for liberal-minded people.

Then I got pregnant.

And getting up early was difficult.

Then Eddie was born.

And going to church with an infant was out of the question (even though others do it all the time).

Cort and I loved our youth groups as kids because we got to see our friends from school during the week.  This church is not in our school district.  They would be kids Eddie wouldn’t know from school.

We have all the excuses.  We recite them constantly.

But I think it goes deeper than our desire to sleep in on Sundays.

As much as we long to be a part of a family of believers that supports us and our family…of a community where we can learn more about our religion…of something bigger than ourselves so that we can learn to be more loving and giving…something holds us back.

And here is where the difficult part of the confession comes in…

I think it is because we don’t want to be clumped together with a group who so stereotypically has different ideas and beliefs than we do about so many issues.

Most conservative Christians in this country just have vastly different beliefs than we do.

And those who don’t?  Seem to be on the “Jesus Freak” end of the spectrum.

We have tried churches that are more progressive, but we find ourselves surrounded by casual clothing, lattes from the cafe in the “lounge” and laptop computers.  There are movie screens and smoke screens.  There are arms raised.

That is not us.

We are conservative and traditional in our worship, but progressive and liberal in our beliefs.

I miss people wearing their Sunday Best, but I loathe being clumped with people who wouldn’t accept someone to the congregation who is gay.

I know those are the extremes, but they best exemplify what I am trying to say.

And so we don’t go.

 

Filed Under: Sluiters Tagged With: beliefs, believe, church, Confessions, growing up, i feel like a fail, politics, Secret Mommy-hood Confessions, Sluiter Nation, Sluiters, stuff we wish we did, theology, things change, traditions

The View From Here

February 8, 2011 By Katie

I have a cracker in my shoe.

And that is all I can muster out of this week so far.

I’m having a rough time, and I don’t see a light at the end of this tunnel.

Please forgive me for the lack of words.

It’s not that they are not in there.  I just don’t have the time or energy to get them out.

Filed Under: anxiety, depression, mental health Tagged With: funny stuff my kid does, holding on, hot mess, I am tired, i feel like a fail, i overextend my ass, ppd, stuff that sucks, Wordless Wednesday

I Love Blogging

January 20, 2011 By Katie

Ok so a few of us bloggers thought up this great idea for all of us not going to a blogging conference this month:  Bliss at Home

We planned and we emailed and we planned some more.

HOURS…no DAYS were spent on this.

We started a facebook page.

People started “liking” us so faster than we could have ever imagined.

I posted a schedule.

We were all very excited.

Then?  Life happened.

Due to some unforeseen “challenges”, Sluiter Nation can no longer be a part of what Bliss at Home is doing.

But…wait…I still LOVE BLOGGING!

So next week?  I am devoting the entire week here in Sluiter Nation  to my love of blogging…and I hope that you will join me.

My Top Ten Tuesdays will be the top 10 reasons I stick with blogging. (with a linky so you can participate.)

I have interviewed Cort about blogging…he is a new blogger…did you know that? (hopefully you’ll join the blogging conversation.  we will have some challenges for you…and a linky to form a community around those challenges).

I thought I would tell you a bit about what makes good writing…because, you know, I TEACH writing…and I’ve been told I might not be too bad of a writer. (of course I will have a writing challenge for you…and a linky, of course!)

And the coup de grace?  I have NINE giveaways for YOU on Friday next week!  All four of my sponsors plus five more lovely ladies are contributing so YOU can possibly win some free lovlies!

So no, Sluiter Nation has nothing to do with Bliss at Home or Blissdom or anything thing conference-related.

But I hope a name doesn’t stop you from still coming by and peeking in at what I have to say.

I know I don’t really have anything to worry about because you guys?  Love blogging as much as I do.

Edited to say:  THIS JUST IN:  Miranda from Not Super…Just Mom is teaming with me!  She will be offering companion posts to each of mine (similar subject but different twist)…and a few other things too!  Tune in Monday when we “introduce” ourselves to you…and give YOU a chance to introduce YOURSELF to lots of new bloggers!

If you have questions, I will do my best to answer them.  Please leave them in the comments.  Thank you, lovely readers.

Filed Under: Blogging, writing Tagged With: celebrate, friday flip-offs, giveaway, holding on, i feel like a fail, i love my readers, my awesome readers, my lovely sponsors, people we love, politics, poop, stuff that is cool, things change, you, your Qs answered

Secret Mommyhood Depression Confession

January 14, 2011 By Katie

“Hey!  Mrs. Sluiter!  Can I talk to you about something a minute?”

“Sure, Jasmin.  What’s up?”

“Well, I was wondering…wait.  You look really sad.  Or tired.  Is everything Ok?”

“Yeah, fine.  Anyway…what can I do for you?”

Later that same day.

“Hey Mrs. Sluiter!  So glad you are back today!  Are you feeling better?  That sub was a weirdo!  Wait…you still look REALLY tired!  Is everything ok?”

sigh….

I don’t think my depression will ever go away.

This week I was sick.  All the sleepless nights, the aches and pains, the chest congestion…all that crap that has been going on and building for a few months finally caught up with me.

So I went to the doctor.

She was legitimately worried which made me feel less like a freak was exactly how a great doctor should act when her patient comes to her with concerns.

Tests were ordered.  thyroid, vitamin D levels, iron levels, blood clots, cholesterol, chest xrays for pneumonia.

I asked her if I could maybe ween off my Celexa this year. (remember?)  She said yes, but that if I found I needed it, to not be ashamed and that if I wanted to get pregnant, they could always switch me to Zoloft.

Oh.  You don’t think I can just not be on pills?

Maybe.

Oh.

I went on my merry way through the rest of my day eventually ending up at my therapist for that appointment.

She and I discussed some of my recent anxiety stuff and agreed that it was good that my doc had prescribed some sleeping “helpers” for me.

When I got home, the phone rang.  It was the doc herself.  All my tests came back normal.

“You know,” she said, “I was thinking after you left that I bet a lot of your aches and fatigue and lack of focus is from your depression.  If or when you ever decide to ween from your Celexa?  It will probably get worse.  I just want you to watch out for that, Ok?  Keep me posted whether the Ambien helps any of this, Ok?”

sigh…

Things have been wonderful at home.

Really.  Despite the normal rough patches of parenthood, things have been good.

Eddie and I have been getting along so well.

He yelled, “momma!” at me tonight when I wasn’t paying attention to him closely enough and he ran to the door squealing, “da-ee!” when Cort got home from an errand.

His language is about to take off!

He runs and hugs me when I get home and he offers kisses and snuggles freely.

Our bond has never been this awesome.

So what the hell is this depression crap?

I don’t even think it’s just PPD anymore.  I think it’s DEPRESSION.

I AM that mentos now.

I am tired all the time–I almost fall asleep on the way to work EVERY DAY.

I have lost interest in things that I used to love.  I make plans that sound like fun and then as they approach I start to dread them

I can’t stay focused.  Work is harder than it ever has been for me.  And not because I am so much busier.  I have had the busy before.  I can’t stay focused on what I am doing.  It’s not that I don’t WANT to quick grade quizzes while we are doing silent reading…I can’t focus long enough to do it like I used to.

I have constant pain.  I sit more than I used to and I still get aches and pains I didn’t before.

How did this happen?  Why…WHEN…did I go from PPD to full blown depression?

Our family doc says an event or experience can bring on depression.  That a person’s brain can be chemically altered to not produce what it needs to in order to NOT be depressed.

Father in law dies of cancer

two miscarriages

difficulty with staying pregnant/delivery

loss of  spouse’s job

uncertainty of my own job

PPD/A

other deaths in the family

all in less than five years.

My personal relationships have suffered greatly.

I am afraid this is the new me.

Please tell me that the rough spots in my life haven’t permanently altered my ability to feel normal.

Please tell me that I won’t need drugs my whole life to feel like a “regular” person.

Please tell me that I…me…KATIE…is still in there somewhere.

Please tell me I can find that crazy, laughing, care-free lady again.

My biggest fear is that I will have to put Cortney and Eddie (and any future Sluiter kiddos) through this depression.  That they will “deal” with me their whole life.  That they will have to struggle along with me.

I so don’t want that.

This is what Cort married:

I would like to find that crazy, skinny betch back, please.

I want to be fun again.

Filed Under: anxiety, depression, mental health Tagged With: Confessions, holding on, hot mess, i feel like a fail, ppd, Secret Mommy-hood Confessions, stuff that sucks

McFatty Monday: the wtf post

January 10, 2011 By Katie

People?  This week did not turn out well.

I will skip to the nitty gritty.  I am UP from 198.  UP.  The scale…for the FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE hit the 200’s.

There may have been swearing.  And tears.  But mostly swearing.

Here is the deal:

I cooked three GOOD meals this week.

I ate the leftovers of this or a healthy sandwich along with a fruit, a cheese, and a fiber bar for lunch each day.

I ate breakfast every day (a good breakfast…not a fatty or sugary one).

My junk food intake was drastically reduced.

I drank much MUCH more water.

I did not exercise…so there’s that.

But WHAT THE HECK?

How do I go to making WAY better choices and go up almost 5 pounds?

This week was the Lady Week, so hopefully that has something to do with it and this isn’t just regular fatty weight gain.

Anyway…this is what I am doing about it.

We have healthy meals (breakfast, lunch, dinner) planned again for the week.

I have submitted myself to Healthy Train (which has a grand prize of a photo shoot in Indy…hear that Indy friends?)

I plan to get on the treadmill Tuesday, Friday, and a weekend day and at LEAST walk a mile each day.

Friends?  I HAVE to do something about this.

I looked at Cort today and said, “I sort of hate myself.”

That is unacceptable.  I am a cute person buried inside too many layers of yuck.  I REFUSE to feel that way about myself.

So I am not just on the McFatty wagon, but I am on the Healthy Train as well.

Let’s DO THIS!

psst…did you know I have a GIVEAWAY going on at Katie’s Bookcase?  Yes!  I do!  And it will help you keep cabin fever out of your home this winter.  Go enter now!

Also?  Tomorrow’s Top Ten Tuesday is a list of your favorite blog posts…from your own blog!  Yay!  I want to see what you are proud of!  So show it off, people!  Show me your best writing and I’ll show you mine!

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Confessions, hot mess, i feel like a fail, i hate running, i overextend my ass, McFatty Monday, stuff that sucks, we are lazy

Quiet

November 5, 2010 By Katie

It’s been pretty quiet around this little slice of the internet.

Actually, it’s been quiet here and here too.

I haven’t posted here since Tuesday.

I have a post for the Red Dress Club that is just sitting in my “drafts” pile.

I have a finished memoir to review.

I only have 300-some words written for National Novel Writing Month (out of the 8335 that I am supposed to have by now if I was staying on schedule).

I have a post on Christmas traditions to write for Tots to Teens Magazine.

But, I may be a tad busy.

And so I don’t have flip-offs for today.

And I don’t have time to finish any of the other writing right now.

I have papers to grade and lessons to plan and copies to run.

I have to be Ok with that.

And I hope you can too.

*Today I have the honor of being the featured Follow Friday blogger at Taking it One Step at a Time.  Welcome to those who are stopping by…I promise I am usually much more upbeat around here.  Check out my other posts and see!

Filed Under: anxiety, mental health, teaching, writing Tagged With: holding on, hot mess, i do too much, i feel like a fail, i love my readers, i overextend my ass, Sluiter Nation, uncertainty
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