i can’t…

I am mad at God.

There. I said it.

I’ve felt it before in my life, but I have never said it out loud.

I am mad and confused and angry and tired.

This feeling has been hanging on since August 14, the “anniversary” of Cortney’s dad’s death.

I can’t shake the anger.

And now…more screwed up stuff.

More senseless loss.

I can’t shake this huge weight of anger from my heart and mind.

Why? What is the point?

What is the point of carrying a pregnancy full term for the first time only to lose a baby over some rare heart condition?

What is the point of being an amazing man who touched so many lives just to get sick and die before you ever meet a grandchild?


Why meet the perfect person for you just to have that person tragically killed?

I don’t want the scripture or the “there is a plan” or whatever “good comes out of all things”.

I just don’t know if I believe that anymore.  The part about good coming out of all situations.  I just don’t know that that is true anymore.

Actually I do know. It’s not. It’s not true.

This is where you will want to tell me that it is not for me to question God’s plans. Or to know all that is going to happen. Or maybe you want to tell me that this Big Good will happen away from my life or beyond my life or out of my knowledge. You want to tell me to quit questioning God.

I call bullshit on that.

I can’t help but question all things. It’s who I am.

My husband’s family watched their dad, husband, SON, brother, cousin disappear into a pile of tumors and then death. There is no Big Good big enough to make that “worth it” or Ok.

Three babies dying to a faithful, loving, family has zero good in it. You can’t tell that mother that losing THREE SONS meant that some Big Good could take place. I cannot think of a single thing that would be worth that.

You try to tell that widow that her life (or anyone’s life) is now BETTER because her husband is dead.  Try saying that out loud.

Something is better because someone you loved DIED.

That something better be the cure for cancer or evil or world hunger because I can’t think of any other way anything could be better.

God is in control of ALL things.

ALL things.

Even bad things?  He controls that?  Then why are people saying “that wasn’t God, that was the Devil”.


So it comes back to it was “in the plan” or it means something “better can happen.”

I don’t believe that.  I don’t believe good comes out of all bad.

I don’t think any good at all comes from babies born into poverty with AIDS to then suffer and die.  No good comes from that.

I don’t think any good comes from being born into a war-torn country as a completely innocent citizen just to die from a drone raid. No good.

I haven’t given up on God and my faith.

I know it sounds like that.

I still unwaveringly believe there is a God. I believe that Jesus was love and taught love and that love is the answer.

What I don’t agree with is that Love and Good conquer all the bad all the time.

That is like telling everyone who ever lost someone they were praying for that they didn’t LOVE hard enough.

I don’t have any answers today. I don’t have any absolutes that I believe right now.

I am angry.

I am angry at God.

I hope he and I can work this out because I don’t want to hold a grudge, but man I don’t get it. I don’t.

And right now I just can’t make peace with “Katie, you’re not supposed to get it.”

That isn’t enough for me.