Lately I feel like I have been going through life in someone else’s body.
My blogging friend, Miranda, described what I feel perfectly here.
When I think of myself, I see pretty.
When I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror or window or photo? I have to do a double take; I just don’t recognize that large girl that is moving the same way I am. I see fat.
When I picture myself getting ready for work or for a night out, I see myself looking great.
In the mirror as I get ready? I fight back tears.
Poor Cortney has watched me have complete meltdowns over dresses and pants that I thought fit that in reality stretch and bunch and pudge all over the place.
He has listened to me sob about how this is not me.
And it’s not.
So why am I still sitting here drinking a diet coke and eating cheese-its while I type type type away?
Why do I feel a little dead inside, but still eat peanut butter m&ms before bed?
Why, if I know it’s bad for me, do I crack another soda instead of filling up my water?
It’s not that I don’t know the solution to being fat. I think everyone does.
Eat better; move more.
I tested this and won before and during my pregnancy with Eddie. I was on the AWESOME track.
But life happened and medication happened and the weight is all back and my bad habits are in full force.
Fuller force actually. I weigh more now than I did when I went into the hospital to give birth to Eddie.
Yeah.
I am paranoid about my fat.
I tell everyone that I have gained a zillion pounds.
It’s not because I want someone to tell me I am not fat. It’s to let people know that I know.
I am aware that what I am putting in my mouth is crap.
I am aware that I don’t move my arse.
And even though you say you’re not? I feel judged.
Because I have judged.
Haven’t you? Haven’t you seen the girl from high school and thought, “woe. put on a few pounds!”
Yeah, well, I am that girl.
Now.
So I tell people so they know that I know.
And now my thoughts are more of relief, “oh phew. she gained weight too”
Still not nice.
But I will look at those women and wish I looked as good with the extra pounds.
And in my head I do.
Until I look in a mirror or see a photo of myself.
Then I see this…
and why am I not standing up straight? sigh...
Why oh why am I just writing about this and not DOING anything about it?
I have a theory.
I think being fat–at least for me–is an unhappy, unhealthy addiction. Much like smoking.
Cortney used to be a pretty heavy smoker, so I ran this theory by him and he nodded the whole time, so I feel that maybe I am not too far off.
Cort hated that he was a smoker. In fact, when his dad was diagnosed with lung cancer–from smoking–he wanted to quit so bad. He felt guilt every time he lit up. And everyone kept asking him if he was going to quit and get healthy and do it for his future family. He did not want to smoke.
Yet he kept smoking for two more years after his dad passed away.
It wasn’t for lack of trying to quit. He tried to quit before his dad was ever diagnosed, but he tried more frequently after that.
He just wasn’t ready.
Part of him needed that addiction. Something in his mind.
When he was ready to be done? He took the steps and quit.
He has been smoke-free for going on four years now.
I am fat. I know it’s unhealthy. I hate the way it makes me look and feel just like Cort hated the way smoking made him smell and feel.
I hate that playing with Eddie and doing laundry makes me wheeze just like running or doing a lot of up and down the stairs used to make Cort breath hard.
I hate feeling judged every time someone sees me put a piece of chocolate in my mouth just like Cort hated being judged every time he stepped outside to light up.
I KNOW I am unhealthy just like Cort knew he was.
But I can’t stop. Not just like that.
The only thing that kicked my butt before was the possibility of getting pregnant. My body had to be fit for someone to live there.
In 2007, I had had a miscarriage and we decided we DID want to be parents after all. That is when Cort got healthy. He did not want any of our kids to know him as a smoker.
In 2008, we tried to get pregnant again. That is when I got healthy.
I need to refocus my guilt and self-hate into a yearning to be healthy for my family.
I need to find a reason to get rid of this addiction.
It’s easy to say “I need to be healthy for my family.” Bloggers say this all. the. time.
But it’s not as easy to buy into.
It’s hard to quit and addiction…a learned sickness.
Being fat is a learned sickness for me.
And I have to relearn how to want to get better.
Also…I wonder if they make Chantix to help me quit eating my feelings. No? Darn.
Ok…back to small, baby steps.
What do you do to stay healthy? What motivates you to take care of yourself?
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Will you also take the poll in my sidebar? I have been thinking of possibly trying my hand at more fiction, but I don’t know if this blog is the right place to do it, or if I should put it over at Exploded Moments.
I want to write what you want to read.
The poll is to the left. Thanks!
(I also posted one on facebook on my fan page if that is easier)
About Katie
I totally understand that. I have been in that same place and I see that theory in action with me at times.
What motivates me is seeing progress – I can feel that I’m more toned (not fabulously toned, but better) and that keeps me going. I set goals – running a 10k in May. My first was 6 years ago and feeling that accomplishment has kept me going.
I also know – now more than ever – that when I exercise I feel better. Sane. Not like I want to jump off a cliff. So I have to do it.
You’re thinking about another baby, right? Picture yourself losing weight, feeling happy and then being beautifully pregnant. You can do it, but don’t overwhelm yourself. Just start a day at a time. Throw away the crap and do a short workout. Anything. See how you feel. And if you feel better do it again tomorrow.
I used to be “fat” in my mind. I was overweight, yes, but not obese. Then depression set in, etc. and I developped an eating disorder. I hated myself for what I was doing to my body, but everyone around me kept saying “you look so good”. “Look how much weight you lost!”, etc. It fueled the eating disorder because for the FIRST time in my life I was getting compliments on my looks. Then the health consequences kicked in and I had to find a balance in my life. So now, I’m still thin (not 80 pounds thin) but healthy. I guess my point is that losing weight and being a skinny minnie should not be the definition of healthy.
I saw myself in this post like I was writing it..I was crying and justt wanting to hug you and tell you ‘I get this..I understand’. I need a motivator too, something that will make me want to be better. I am hoping I find it soon and u do too..maybe we can be motivation for one another???
And just for the record…when I see you and your smile all I see is GORGEOUS inside and out!
Words from my own mouth.
I tried to vote but it keeps telling me to make a valid choice! I like fiction but just not on your mommy blog, move it over to the explosion.
246 this week and I was 227 just a few months ago, but yes I got a Krispy Kreme at Speedway this morning. WHY!?!?!?
Reading this is like listening to my own thoughts. When I’m putting an outfit together in my head, I think I’ll look really nice, then I see myself in the mirror and it’s horrible. In my mind I’m still a thin, cute little college girl. In reality, I am fat and looking older and older every day.
And yes, I was just thinking this the other day about the unhealthy addiction. It’s like, I don’t really feel addicted to foods, but for some reason I have this addiction to being fat. And I am always comparing myself to others.
I hope we both can figure out a way to fix this thing. Good luck!
You are beautiful girl, so get those thoughts out of your head! Addictions are hard to break, I have been a nail biter for over 30 years! I have tried everything, the ONLY time I quit was during pregnancy and while breast feeding. After that, boom…fingers right back in my mouth. It’s a disgusting habit and I wish I could control it, but I cannot.
As for weight gain, I hear you LOUD and clear. I gained a lot of weight after my miscarriage and then with my pregnancy. A LOT! I was so mortified at my final pregnancy weigh-in that I wouldn’t even tell my husband my final weight. As soon as I possibly could, I joined weight watchers and shed as many of those unwanted pounds as possible. I still didn’t get to my pre-pregnancy weight because I got too comfortable with the loss and basically picked up old habits again.
Fast forward 3 years after giving birth, I am still considered “overweight” in my weight/height chart. My doctor isn’t concerned, but I think he’s a loon. I analyze every photo of myself just like you did. I see triple chins, spare tires, flabby this and that. SO, I have committed myself again to weight watchers because it has worked for me in the past (until I quit). 11 days into the program and I have already dropped 5 lbs, now only 20 more to go! I am still allowed to eat what I like (in moderation) and this keeps me in check! I love it! Plus, I joined some fitness challenges which are keeping me focused. There is an online community and I have met some great users and we are able to encourage each other and share ideas. It’s inspiring!
What has helped me is that my husband is on board, too. He’s trying to lose his sympathy weight. Having him eat what I am eat makes it SO MUCH EASIER! Otherwise, if there was junk food in the house then I’d have a hard time staying disciplined. I keep it out of the house and have fresh fruits and vegetables everywhere! It has taken some adjustments, but I know I can do it (and so can you when you are ready, so do not stress)! Find a friend for support and set your goals!
Here’s a quote that helped me get started…”The way to get started is to quit talking and start doing.” -Walt Disney
http://theunemployedmom.com/2011/03/28/thank-you-walt-disney/
Also, what keeps me motivated as I am working out is focusing on my son. I want to be healthy for hm and experience everything in life. After some medical scares, it put it ALL into perspective for me.
Good luck my friend! I’m here for you!
::sigh::
I’m with you, friend. Totally. I’ve never been thin. Or skinny. Ever. Not even before puberty. And realistically? That’s not what I’m looking for. I feel good with a little bit of softness to my frame. But what I do not feel good about is the way that pregnancy wreaked havoc on my body. The bulge that will not go away no matter what I try.
And here’s the thing–medically? I’m totally healthy. None of my levels are high or where they shouldn’t be. They are all completely normal. So what, then, am I supposed to do with that? When I go to the doctor and they say “Well, you’ve got fanTASTic cholesterol and your blood pressure is uhMAYzing, but you’re overweight.”
Gah. I’ve got to make myself blog this.
I love you. And I think everything about you is beautiful. Even if you don’t.
Three words: My Fitness Pal.
There’s even a phone app for it. I forced myself to use the calorie counting portion of it to keep track of what I was eating and when. Once I saw where I was going way overboard (even when I thought I wasn’t!), it wasn’t so awful to make the changes in my diet I needed to make. Plus? It kept me from snacking all the time because um, I was just too lazy to have to hunt through the app for all the foods I was eating and figure out the serving size of what I had. 😉
Honestly, girl? Best site ever. Best. I lost 12 pounds in 2 months and exercised, like, once (like I said, laaaazy. But, actually, it’s more of, I can’t afford to join a gym and the kids don’t nap, so I don’t have much time, especially without a double stroller to pack them in for a walk or something).
The only other thing you need to start slowly on your way is your Resting Metabolic Rate.
Really? Once you get into it? It’s pretty fun to see all the things you CAN eat that you originally may have thought you couldn’t. ;D
Oh holy cow. Sorry about that. I may or may not have had an HTML fail. =\
Just note that the Resting Metabolic Rate thing has its own separate link from the rest of the, uh, link. *headdesk*
I think your theory is spot on. We can say we want to quit until we’re blue in the face, but it’s really hard to make that happen until we feel deep down that we are ready.
As for motivation, do you know anyone in real life struggling with weight? Maybe you can work out together and keep each other in check.
Something in you has to click. There will be a point where you are so over it that you want to change. I use to be a little overweight (hello freshman 15…err 25) through college. It was horrible because that is suppose to be when you are dating hot guys and running around in a bathing suit (our college was on the beach). I felt nasty but still continued to eat. It wasn’t until I started dating Seth, graduated, and came back home that something clicked. I was so over it that I decided to loose that weight.
You will get there girl. It will click and you will shed the weight and feel great about yourself. Now a days I am staying motivated to work out and eat right to try and conceive again. I guess that is my new motivation. Good luck friend!
I can completely relate. It’s also easier to stay safe in the fat than bust out and be the skinny girl again.
The thing that motivates me the most? Photos of myself. I want my kids to think I was pretty, that I took care of myself in the busy years of caring for them, that I did my best to do it all even when I didn’t want to. I want my husband to look at me like he did in the beginning and know that I am taking care of myself. It’s not worth those extra crackers, pop, or brownies.
Oh darlin’. How well I understand this. How well I understand the feeling of seeing yourself in your head one way but then seeing the reality and wanting to die. I know all the answers, I know all the ways to be healthy. I just don’t follow through.
Like you said (in a far better way than I’ve ever heard it put before), it’s a learned sickness. You learn to get used to it. You learn to rationalize and accomodate and work around yourself. I know.
I’ve never been hot. I’ve never worn a bikini or even a modest two-piece. I’ve never, for a single day in my life, felt good about myself physically. Ever. I might weigh less than I did in college but I weigh much more than I should. I cringe at the sight of my wedding pictures. Cringe. How sick is that?
I’m currently trying to get a hold of my health in order to have a baby. I lost 6 lbs last week! But then again I always have a lot of motivation in the early stages. We’ll see where I am in 3 months. <– See? Maybe I'm setting myself up for failure.
You're a beautiful girl. Get back in touch with that beauty and you'll start treating your body the way it deserves to be treated. Your husband loves you for you, so don't heap that much more abuse upon yourself. You don't need it!!
I could not possibly understand more, what you are talking about. But, you ARE ahead of the curve – you know it’s an addiction and that you need help AND that you need to find that “thing” that motivates you to change. I know that weight loss doesn’t happen overnight, the way we hope and pray it does…but, those days are going to keep coming, regardless…do you want to be working on your health through those days or watching it slip away? That’s what it boiled down to for me.
It still does.
It is absolutely hard. Terribly hard.
Maybe if you take that first leap of faith – sign up for Weight Watchers, My Fitness Pal or something, it will be the push you need?
Good Luck, dear. You CAN beat this.
xoxo
i was in the same boat. I knew I was overweight. I knew it wasn’t healthy. I knew that with my overwhelming family history of diabetes, i HAD to be careful. But I didn’t have a reason.
But I need a baby. so I got more serious. I’m still not beating myself up or counting every single 1/2 calorie. I had chinese food & frozen yogurt with MEGA toppings twice last weekend. BUT i’ve lost 15.6 lbs. and last night i took off my jeans without unbuttoning them.
so yeah. when the motivation is right, you’ll be fine. i completely understand.
I think understanding that it’s a problem is a good first step. I also think it is hard, hard, hard to make the move towards being fit and healthy. I have a friend who is well on her way to meeting her weight loss goals, and she mentioned that she uses “food as fuel for my body & other things as food for my soul”. I am trying to keep that in mind lately.
How do you feel about weight watchers? I know it’s supposed to be great for figuring out how to eat in the proper portions. Personally, I find counting calories easier for me. Also, it helps me to have an actual fitness goal (I run, so I sign up for races).
Good luck. You are gorgeous, but I know it is so, so difficult to not feel like you are in the right body 🙁
I completely get this. I went on vacation recently and the photos from that vacation were what made me go after losing weight with more force. In my head I looked good-ish but those pictures took that thought right out of my head. It took vacation photos for me to get this because I shy away from having my picture taken normally. Someone said something about you having a gorgeous smile, that’s all I see too! But if you really want to make changes then I believe that you will. I can see you go after this goal the way you seem to go after other things. I believe in you.
kudos for sharing your heart. seriously. i was stuck in a rut too. and honestly, i think having a goal is what i needed. but NOT a weight loss goal. something like a 5k, or a 10k, or 8 week yoga class or something!!! when you have a goal, it’s easier to see the end result. that way, your progress, your eating habits, your exercise are being done because you want to reach your goal.
for me, it was getting back into competitive lifting after taking 2 years off. now, i workout for my goal, my competition in august. not because I HAVE TO.
you have lots of support. pray and take action. taking action is the hardest part.
This post is ME!
I weigh more now than I did on the days I delivered each of my babes. And I gained a significant amount of pregnancy weight, too. *sigh* Gag. I call myself an oompa loompa.
And it doesn’t help when one dr I was talking to about my weight says, “Well, the medication definitely puts a damper on losing weight.” Uh, ok, doc. Thanks a lot.
Guess I’m going to be skinny and crazy or fat and unhappy, but sane. Decisions, decisions.
You’re SO in my head!
Hang in there.
PS- you’re beautiful. Seriously.
You are so pretty!! I totally get what you are saying though…I really do. Most people would look at me and say I’m thin, but this is the most I’ve ever weighed. I bought some pants in a size I swore I’d never buy, and they are too tight in the waist.
And I know what I need to do, and I don’t want to. I’m miserable and just not in the place I need to be to do anything about it.
Sigh.
So I feel ya. It’s tough.
Yes, yes, and yes. I have been in this same place for weeks, maybe months. And then I pretend to be surprised when the scale numbers go up instead of down. When you are ready, you will do what you need to do–whatever that is, for you. xo
Your post totally made me cry. Tears down my face cry.
I feel like you just wrote my post. Only at least in your photo your outfit was adorable. I don’t wear skirts. They just look awful on me.
I’ve gained 40 lbs in the last 2 years, my man has only known me for just under 2 years. I can’t imagine what he thinks about the massive gain…
And i do the horrible eating in bed thing while i read a book or whatever.
And my doctor says ‘GET MOVING’…but i don’t 🙁
Anywho, thankyou so much for posting that. It gave me a good grieving cry.
((((hugs))))
I also weigh more than I did when I gave birth 2 years ago. I was fit before getting pregnant and did yoga throughout my pregnancy. Afterward I was in the mindset to get healthy again but it never happened. The PPD came on full force and then the medication followed. I eat when I’m depressed. I’m also not ready to take the steps to a healthier lifestyle. If I could look and feel better in an instant would I do it, yes. But I’m not ready for the long road since it’s a long term thing. I thought I was “there” a few times, even started a running program. Then I made a zillion excuses not to run. Like you say, I’m just not ready.
Oh, Mrs. Sluiter,
You are an adorable woman. I’m trying to lose weight too. I don’t like what I see in the mirror. Every says I look fine, but all I see is flabby arms, a big ol’ tummy, and thighs that are a litte TOO big. Motivation was something I always found hard to hold onto. I found something that works. I bring up weight loss to my boyfriend. He says he fell in love with me the way that I am (AWWWW!), but he won’t lie. I’d look even sexier if I toned up a little bit. He mad it clear he’d be disappointed in me if I ever tried to loose weight in an unhealthy manner. (HELLO MOTIVATION!) I started monitoring my portions and I worked out every night before bed. Of course, us “fat girls” want results the second we’re done with our workout. It’s easier to want to stick to it, when you can feel the results. I felt good in the morning when my abs ached, my arms were sore, and my legs felt like jelly. I knew I was slowly but surely losing that part of myself that I despised. Having people who love you now and support you wanting to change yourself in a healthy way is the BEST motivation you can have. Do not ever forget that you are a very beautiful, bright woman. I know that you can do it. Just imagine your problem areas disappearing down the line. I fell off the motivation wagon a few days ago…reading this, just put me back on it. Thank You 🙂