Secret Mommyhood Friendship Confession

This week’s confession is something I have been thinking about A LOT this week, which means poor Cortney has had to listen to it a LOT this week.

I don’t understand, therefore I am not good at, female friendships.

At least not the ones that require me to be involved in them on a daily basis.

That sounds bad.

Here is my deal:  I suck at being a way involved friend in REAL life.

My best friend lives in Chicago.  Since high school, we have never lived close enough to hang out regularly.  We send each other random, funny cards.  We text each other.  We email.  We facebook.  We tweet.  But we don’t see each other a ton.

And our friendship is awesome.  It was awesome in high school too, but it’s still like that.

I really do care and love ALL my friends a TON.  But my level of involvement as far as planning things and hanging out?  Totally sucks.  I’m not good at it.

Also?  I don’t like to “mix” my friend groups.  I like my high school friends separate from my college friends separate from my work friends, etc.  Yes, that is all OCD of me, but when they mix, dynamics change and I get anxiety.

Plus?  I tend to be honest.  I assume when you ask me my thoughts on someone, you want the real answer.  I don’t try to be cruel, but if you ask me about something bothersome, I’ll tell you.

I mean, I assume no one has PERFECT friends, right?  We all have something that bugs us about each of our friends, right?  There are the friends who suck at returning emails.  There are those who seem to be “one-uppers” and always have something worse happening than you do.  There are those who seem to lack any sort of common sense.

But we still love them because they are our friends.

(by the way, I am sure one of the main irks my friends find with me is that I am never available except online, but that is a guess).

Let me give you an example.  Cort and I have a male friend who is pretty cheap.  He likes to hold onto his money.  He knows this; we can say it and he doesn’t get mad.  BUT if I had a female friend who was cheap?  And she found out I thought she was cheap?  She would get mad.  Even though SHE IS CHEAP. But the thing is?  I would love her despite her cheapness.


Anyway, what I am trying to say is, I love my friends fiercely…really.  But sometimes, I am afraid they get all mad and drama-ish because of something I say or plans I can’t make.  And I don’t get that.

Cortney and his friend Mat have often referred to me as Elaine from Seinfeld.  There is an episode where she is crabbing about not having many female friends–that she just doesn’t “get” them.  They respond that she is a “man’s woman”–that she just does better being friends with men because there aren’t any hidden codes or drama.

Yes.  This is me.

But I do treasure the female friends I have.  They are so much more supportive–verbally–than guys are.  They can sense my hurt and they know what to say.  They feel my joys and say more than, “cool”.

But I just suck at understanding those women and what they want from me.

I like to laugh.  I like to talk about serious stuff.  I like to know I can trust someone.

I don’t like to try to figure out what “someone means by that”.  I am not good with passive aggressive statements and code.

So many women talk about others behind their backs like they don’t want the subject to know…why?  When I say something about someone, it’s something I would tell them to their face if they asked.

But who asks, “what do I do that is annoying to you?”  because we don’t want to know!

I don’t want to hear that I suck as someone who will show up to planned events.  I know this.  I would hope my friends know this about me and love me anyway.

I guess what this whole ramble is about is that I just don’t get it. I grew up with brothers.  If they thought I was being a turd?  They told me.  And I told them if they were being lame. I am this way with everyone in my life.

If you are ever mad at me?  You should probably just tell me…because I have no clue. If I sense crabby or passive-aggressive anger from you?  I will just let it be because I don’t have the time or energy to “figure out” what I did to you.  JUST TELL ME.

And I hope you love me anyway…even for my faults.  Because I love you despite your faults.

About Katie

Just a small town girl...wait no. That is a Journey song. Katie Sluiter is a small town girl, but she is far from living in a lonely world. She is a middle school English teacher, writer, mother, and wife. Life has thrown her a fair share of challenges, but her belief is that writing through them makes her stronger.


  1. I am SO there with you. Oh man, I am so there.

  2. I’ve been reading your blog for a few weeks and I just have to say that I love your honesty. Thank you!

  3. I have friends who keep score. Like who was the last one to call. Or text. Or email. Or name a child after her. And those friends? The scorekeepers? I send to the “back burner.” Ironically. Because they’re the ones who want to be right up front.

    But I reserve what little time I have (away from husband, kids, job, writing, life) for the friends who are just happy that we’ve both been able to show up at the same time for each other. Whether it’s in person or on the phone or on the computer.

    I love my friends (from high school, college, work) who can pick up like we never left off. Because the reality is, we have to “leave off” all the time. Our priorities have to change as our lives change.

    If a friend can’t figure out that our stations are full and crazy and chaotic, then he or she needs to get off the train.

    I’m sure you’re doing just fine. You’re being you. And that’s the best way to be a true friend in the long run. Keep being honest and minimizing the drama. And when you can’t be all things to everyone? When you just can’t be “there”? Smile.

    Because your real friends will be there when you can.

    • this is it EXACTLY. the friends I will drop almost anything for? are the ones who would understand if I couldn’t and are just glad to see my face.

      you said here what I was so trying to say in my ramble of a post! Thank you!

      • This is SO TRUE for me too. That and the “I assume when people ask me a question you want an honest answer”. Which works in the reverse as well… unless I ask someone what they think about how I parent or how I live my life I would prefer that they kindly NOT weigh in thankyouverymuch. (Sorry, been feeling kinda judged lately because of some unsolicited advice.)

        You ladies are hitting the nails on the heads. Like, woah.

  4. I completely understand! Female friends can be so much harder, though they do have fantastic parts that are harder to come by in a male/female friendship. Since I was a teenager I’ve tended to have more male friends than female. I always have a couple of close female friends but those friendships can so often throw up the ‘Huh, what’s going on?’ angle that they tend to be just plain confusing!

    To be honest, now I class some of my online friends amongst my closest, they tend to understand that our lives are busy and that sometimes it’s easier to maintain a friendship online than face to face!

  5. Amen. A to the men.

    I super suck at making plans and keeping them. And I’m totally strange and would rather meet up in public or at my house than someone elses house. Its strange. I know.

    Its my thing. I like people and I like hanging out. But yeah.

  6. Yep. I just don’t get the whole woman code. Just say what you mean, mean what you say, and get on with it.

  7. When you mentioned that you like to keep your groups of friends separate, I immediately thought of that same Seinfeld episode where George’s “worlds collide” because Jerry suggested Elaine call Susan.

    It’s funny how there is a Seinfeld episode that matches almost any life situation!

  8. What a great post and I so get what you mean! I have more female friends now than i ever did but not quite sure how that happened!

  9. Thank you! (exhale, sigh of relief) I suck at the girly part of being a friend. I hate to talk on the phone, I hate hugging, I hate girl code. I can read between the lines but when I have a good friend I shouldn’t have to with her. I tell all my soon to be BFFs that I won’t call or hang out regularly, don’t be offended. Now that I’m a little older I need my friends to be my coffee break from life.I may not need a break every day and some may be shorter than others but I still need a need a break every now and then and I appreciate the refreshment.

  10. I have been you. I’m not always you, but I’ve been the one who just prefers the guy friendships because it’s none of that BS. Seriously. I have loads of girlfriends, and for the most part the closest ones are the ones who are farthest away, though I seemed to have lost some of them, too. It’s amazing how we can’t ever seem to be nearly enough for the ones who are all caught up in themselves, ya know? I’ll be your friend, though. 😉 I won’t pull any crap, hold back any punches and I’ll tell you you’re a goober if you are. 🙂

  11. The fact that you are upfront and honest is one of the reasons that I am friends with you in real life! We have this in common…..we are kindred spirits. We have fun together, we laugh together, we talk and it’s REAL! Thank goodness you are the way you are-I like you that way!

  12. Thanks, Katie…for a wonderfully honest and open post! I only know you through the review you did for my book and reading your blogs and reviews…and I’m impressed with your energy, creativity and seemingly endless ability to WRITE. 🙂
    Friends who are annoyed if you don’t attend a party or whatever are probably not really your friends. With all that you do…teach, write, be with your own family…I’m surprised you have time to sleep. Or maybe you don’t. 🙂
    Thoroughly enjoyable post!
    Oh, I tried to “grab your button” for my blogsite sidebar…but it came out with just text…sometimes that happens…wish I knew why. But the Katie’s Bookcase one that I put there some time ago worked fine. If you know a “simple” fix, please let me know. 🙂

  13. I think the girly girls are few and far between because I too have been called Elaine by my husband. Although my lil sis and her friends are those girls. A girls girl. They are always together, always do everything together, they are the next generation of the sex and the city quad but without all the sex. They are 20 yo and very picky and very rare does a boy make it to the circle. Sometimes I envy it but when they are upset with one another of stupid girl crap I am thankful:)

  14. Yup. Got it.
    My BFF recently read a post about my other BFF who she is friends with as well but not like I am with her (makes sense?) Anyways the post made it sound like my friend HTwas my sun and moon and stars. She was moving far away. When you blog you know that you’re writing for an audience that doesn’t really know your life so you need to convey to your readers just how much that person means to you. She had pointed out the one sentence “Aside from Shawn, HT has been my rock”…ok I know that sounds bad and I felt bad for saying it but my friend Mich blew up. She called me on New Years demanding that I explain myself and made me feel like shit. Then she went on saying things like how my profile pictures on FB are of
    Me and HT and my status will say things like So excited to see HT…sigh. I felt like shit.
    So mow I’m going through all these back issues and feel like death and anxiety so bad I could barf and yet she has not once called me. I’ve called her and texted her…bad nothing.
    I don’t get it but I do feel very fucking angry.

  15. Yes! I grew up the same way and have exactly one female friend. One. That is all I have the time energy or patience for. Even in my writing? Men. Thank you for putting this into words.

  16. I, too, have very few female friends, because in general, women are manipulative bitches. And some days I include myself in that category. I don’t have time for catty bullshit, and when I find myself doing it, it makes me really angry. It is much easier for me to text or email or tweet or FB because each comment can be given the attention it deserves in my own time.

  17. FRIEND!!! This is why we are such good friends. I HATE drama too. I’m not a game player, not with boys when I was single, not with my husband now, not with my roommates in college (some who I claim may be crazy), and never with girlfriends. Don’t have time for that crap. What you see is what you get.

    • I love you. And this is why. We are perfect for each other.

      If I believed in soul mates? You would be it, babe. I have said it before…and I will say it again.

      I love you.

  18. We really are soul mates, you know? I have a terrible time with female friendships for many of the same reasons, and my best friend lives 1,000 miles away, which actually makes our relationship better.

  19. I get this. So. Get. This. I grew up with brothers, too. 4 of them. I have very few close girly friends, but I like it that way. Quality vs. Quantity.

  20. Oh, I could have written this myself. I suck at friendships. I get so busy in my day to day life that planning play dates or girls’ nights just doesn’t occur to me. So I tend to be an invitee, not an inviter. Sorry. And I also like to keep my twin mom friends separate from my original pre-kids friends.

    Like you, I guess I tend to be blunt, or say the wrong thing, and girls always over analyze that crap (I know I do). I had a friend who posted a pic of her 6 month old online, and one of my dearest friends noticed that he was in a front facing car seat (which she had done with her oldest too and is illegal in TX). She wanted to badly to say something, but never did. Well, I did, because had something happened to that baby in an accident, I never could have forgiven myself. And then I came across as the total biotch. For doing the right thing. Bah!


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  2. […] try to post my fails along with my successes.  Just this past Saturday I confessed that I am not always a good friend. I also let my kid watch TV and I didn’t think […]