“Hey! Mrs. Sluiter! Can I talk to you about something a minute?”
“Sure, Jasmin. What’s up?”
“Well, I was wondering…wait. You look really sad. Or tired. Is everything Ok?”
“Yeah, fine. Anyway…what can I do for you?”
Later that same day.
“Hey Mrs. Sluiter! So glad you are back today! Are you feeling better? That sub was a weirdo! Wait…you still look REALLY tired! Is everything ok?”
sigh….
I don’t think my depression will ever go away.
This week I was sick. All the sleepless nights, the aches and pains, the chest congestion…all that crap that has been going on and building for a few months finally caught up with me.
So I went to the doctor.
She was legitimately worried which made me feel less like a freak was exactly how a great doctor should act when her patient comes to her with concerns.
Tests were ordered. thyroid, vitamin D levels, iron levels, blood clots, cholesterol, chest xrays for pneumonia.
I asked her if I could maybe ween off my Celexa this year. (remember?) She said yes, but that if I found I needed it, to not be ashamed and that if I wanted to get pregnant, they could always switch me to Zoloft.
Oh. You don’t think I can just not be on pills?
Maybe.
Oh.
I went on my merry way through the rest of my day eventually ending up at my therapist for that appointment.
She and I discussed some of my recent anxiety stuff and agreed that it was good that my doc had prescribed some sleeping “helpers” for me.
When I got home, the phone rang. It was the doc herself. All my tests came back normal.
“You know,” she said, “I was thinking after you left that I bet a lot of your aches and fatigue and lack of focus is from your depression. If or when you ever decide to ween from your Celexa? It will probably get worse. I just want you to watch out for that, Ok? Keep me posted whether the Ambien helps any of this, Ok?”
sigh…
Things have been wonderful at home.
Really. Despite the normal rough patches of parenthood, things have been good.
Eddie and I have been getting along so well.
He yelled, “momma!” at me tonight when I wasn’t paying attention to him closely enough and he ran to the door squealing, “da-ee!” when Cort got home from an errand.
His language is about to take off!
He runs and hugs me when I get home and he offers kisses and snuggles freely.
Our bond has never been this awesome.
So what the hell is this depression crap?
I don’t even think it’s just PPD anymore. I think it’s DEPRESSION.
I AM that mentos now.
I am tired all the time–I almost fall asleep on the way to work EVERY DAY.
I have lost interest in things that I used to love. I make plans that sound like fun and then as they approach I start to dread them
I can’t stay focused. Work is harder than it ever has been for me. And not because I am so much busier. I have had the busy before. I can’t stay focused on what I am doing. It’s not that I don’t WANT to quick grade quizzes while we are doing silent reading…I can’t focus long enough to do it like I used to.
I have constant pain. I sit more than I used to and I still get aches and pains I didn’t before.
How did this happen? Why…WHEN…did I go from PPD to full blown depression?
Our family doc says an event or experience can bring on depression. That a person’s brain can be chemically altered to not produce what it needs to in order to NOT be depressed.
Father in law dies of cancer
two miscarriages
difficulty with staying pregnant/delivery
loss of spouse’s job
uncertainty of my own job
PPD/A
other deaths in the family
all in less than five years.
My personal relationships have suffered greatly.
I am afraid this is the new me.
Please tell me that the rough spots in my life haven’t permanently altered my ability to feel normal.
Please tell me that I won’t need drugs my whole life to feel like a “regular” person.
Please tell me that I…me…KATIE…is still in there somewhere.
Please tell me I can find that crazy, laughing, care-free lady again.
My biggest fear is that I will have to put Cortney and Eddie (and any future Sluiter kiddos) through this depression. That they will “deal” with me their whole life. That they will have to struggle along with me.
I so don’t want that.
This is what Cort married:
I would like to find that crazy, skinny betch back, please.
I want to be fun again.
About Katie
I wish I could hug you right now. I have been there. My depression and medication and therapy was before children, so I can’t even come close to understanding what you are going through WITH children, but know that if you ever need a sounding board, you can send me all the ranty, venty emails or tweets you want. I’ve been there and you WILL get back to who you used to be because you WANT to. It may not be easy and it may take awhile, but I feel in my heart that you will find your way back to you, because you want to so badly. You wouldn’t be sharing it and opening it up if you didn’t. I still feel like I am a work in progress. While I have my bad days, there are so many more good than there ever were when it was dark inside.
Much love to you. You’re awesome.
oh hun…. I can’t say that “I know” because I don’t; and I can’t say that “It’ll be fine” because that sounds so condescending. all i can say is I will pray for you. Cry out to God and ask Him to help you. I will pray.
I wish I could say something to make things better, but I know I can’t. Just know you have a butt load of other mommas out there supporting you, praying for you and enduring the rough times with you. You are in my thoughts and prayers my dear.
I can’t promise that you’ll be the same as you were, but most of the people I know with depression eventually come out of the fog and are typical happy people. For most of them, it took a long time to work it out. There are people willing and able to help you, let them. 🙂
Katie I am sending you virtual hugs. I can only imagine how hard it was for you to write this but I know in doing it you will help someone and hopefully you will also help yourself.
Sounds like you have a great doctor – trust in her and in your gut and I know you’ll overcome this.
Maija
My heart hurts for you. I know the feelings all to well of knowing who I am, but not being able to connect with that part of me at times. Thinking of you — and know that if you ever just want to sit and chat over a cup of coffee (or hot cocoa in my case) just say the word and I’m there. 🙂
Katie, you’ve gone through a lot in a short time. It will take time to heal. But I believe you will. Because it’s what you want. Work with your docs, and give yourself time.
I’ll be praying for you, and sending hugs your way.
I am going to offer this… I was feeling this way after having Joe. (not trying at all here to say I am an expert or know at all what you are going through) I went to the Dr and it was the beginning of PPD. She told me to do some kind of exercise every day. That by doing so you are giving your brain a NATURAL jolt of the same thing the meds do for you. I did not believe her. PLUS who while depressed and feeling like everything is crappy wants to do some kind of physical work EVERY day. Well.. Ben MADE me do it! I screamed, cried, hated him, but I did it and it made me feel so so much better. I know that what I had is not the same as what you are going though, but you should try it even just for a week. And it does not have to be much, seriously even 10 min on the treadmill or walking out in the cold and fresh air for a few min. Some days I just went to my mailbox and back. You will dread it and hate it but when it’s over it will feel great and give you a boost of energy… and that might just lead to great things!!!
Oh sweetness…
First, I was going to say what Trisha said. That if you are not exercising at least a little every day, then you MUST. And…I HATE THAT. I HATE exercise. I hate it. I DON’T want it to be what helps me feel better.
But it is. UGH. So is being a healthy weight, and diet. And again, so those sound so very very platitude-y, but they are true. And you know that I care not ONE whit what you look like. You are a knock-out, babe. And that is how I picture you every day. But working to get your body weight down means lest hormone build-up in fatty tissue, and better cardiovascular activity which keeps chemical balances better regulated. And those will just make you FEEL better.
And after that, I say – situational depression can last for years, because a period of your life may just be very rough (lost pregnancies, PPD, death of family members, economic crisis) and the problem is you NEVER quite get back on your “feet,” so to speak, in between them. And each punch just knocks you a little more off-kilter.
But that means that a protracted period – more than six months, better yet a year, where your body is not in a state of constant stress where you have the residue of perpetual “fight or flight” in your system means that you can feel loads better.
It can still get much better, dear one. I cannot promise – but I’ve watched so many of my friends (especially the ones with younguns) struggle through a bad few years and then…it’s like a sunrise. They just needed a break from trauma and crisis. And it came.
I want that for you so much.
Love to you.
Oh Katie…..I know all too well how you feel. Anxiety and depression are something I struggle with as well. I often wonder the same things that you do. Is this how I am going to be the rest of my life? I see a therapist, I have been on meds, although not anymore because I am pregnant, my OB insisted i not be on anything without talking to me about alternatives, but that is my is my problem…..I know how hard this is. I have been there and it is something I constantly battle. I believe that we will get better. I just believe that to be true. This can not and will not be how life “is” for us. Just take care of you Katie. If you need to be on medicine, that is fine. There is no shame in that. Just take it one day at a time, and try not to be too hard on yourself. If you ever need someone to talk to or vent, please email me. I mean that. I know exactly what you are going through.
Much love.
Love, prayers, and big hugs to you.
Oh dear, my heart hurts for you. Please know that you CAN beat this. And who cares if you have to be on meds? If it helps you be the best YOU, then it is worth it. I told myself the same thing when I was on Zoloft. Hang in there. Email me if you want. I am always here to listen.
oh, Katie. How well I know this.
I will say, though…as someone who is also facing the strong possibility of being on meds forever, it can seem daunting. But I try to remember that those meds? They help me be Beth Anne, instead of this weird, angry, sick & malnutritioned beast that occurs during bouts of depression. It’s better living through modern chemistry.
Sometimes I feel like I get even more depressed thinking about that, but whenever I voice it, people say “So what?” & as harsh as it sounds, I think they are right – so what? So what if I need meds? I would never tell a cancer patient to just grunt it out & figure a way to live without chemo. I would never tell a diabetic that it’s all in his head & if he just tried harder, his insulin would regulate. I try to remember that I am JUST AS ILL AS THEY ARE. It’s just a different type of illness. Apples & oranges – different, but still fruit.
Oh hell. I keep typing and typing and nothing that I’m saying is coming out the way I want it to come out. It’s not working. Just know that I’m thinking of you. I think Blair said what I wanted to say, but better than I could say it. <3
Oh sweetie…I know, this sucks a giant donkey ball dipped in poop. I think what needs to happen right now is that you breathe. Coming from the other side of this post I just see a whole lot of worring of what could potentially be and don’t be mad…but this sounds like you’re over analyzing it…eeeks…don’t be mad…don’t be mad…I know because this is what I do too. I tell my doctor that I know that I will be on meds forever because of this and that and he just shakes his head and tells me “Kim, you’re nuts” then we laugh.
Depression and anxiety and all that other crappy stuff is tricky. It runs in my family so I kind of know that this will more than likely be sometihing I will have to deal with and it sucks. A lot. Meds? suck a lot.
But it’s ok. I’m not ok with it, but if that’s what is in my cards then it’s ok because I’ll work with it. You will too. It just sucks now because of all the things that are going on around you. Life happens. It really sucks that life happens in the midst of a recovery process and there is no pill that can prevent that from happening.
It’s not the end of the world my friend. It sucks, but you’re a strong woman.
FAck, this comment went really long and all gibberish-y. Sorry.
Love you girl.
I’m saying this from a I’m-in-a-different-stage-of-PPA-than-you place. So keep that in mind. But if you had ADD and you couldn’t concentrate without it or you had asthma and you couldn’t breathe without it you’d take medicine perscribed by your doc, right? I have asthma, and it kinda pisses me off that I have to take a pill every day, or that we can never have a dog or that I get sick in the winter and I can’t really run. But I don’t think the people around me are thinking “Jeez, that Emily and her damned asthma… always ruining a good time.” So although it’s not the same, I don’t think people around us are like “I don’t like her she’s a downer. I don’t think our kids will tell their LCSWs “my mom really messed me up because she got the help she needed when she was depressed and showed me that mental health is important too”.
Our society looks at mental health as a different thing, like because it’s something you can’t see it’s not just like any other illness. People with diabeetus wish they didn’t need insulin every day, but you betta believe they friggin take it!
Anywho, HUGS to you!!
I’m only going to repeat what others have said. Get out for a walk. Suit up in your snow gear and walk. It’s a lousy answer but it works. Courage and hugs!
I’m so sorry you’re going through all this. Consider this an internet hug from me to you.
I’m passing you a Stylish blog award on my blog tomorrow. I know it’s cheesy but hope it makes you smile.
that is AWESOME! I don’t think it’s cheesy at ALL! I am totally honored! And it totally makes me smile! Thanks, girl 🙂
If it makes you feel any better, that’s exactly how I feel. I’ve been cycling through hoping I might, just possibly, maybe be able to go off medication. Then WHAM! Nope. Ah yes, that was silly of me to think I could do it. But my kid is 2 1/2 now. I still call this PPD because I don’t want to admit that it might just be depression. That it might just be part of who I am now. Sigh.
Gah. Stupid backlog of blog reading causing me to be late to commenting and telling you that I get it. I do. If this were the first time in my life that I’d ever battled depression, I think I’d feel the same way you do now. But you know what I know from my life experience? There are good years and there are really farking awful years. And then there are good years again. Will you be on medication forever? Maybe. But maybe it’ll be intermittent, too. And that’s when you tell yourself that you have a recurring illness that DOES NOT DEFINE YOU. Depression defines us if we let it. But when we treat it like the illness it is, it loses some of its power. I have depression, but it doesn’t have me.
I love you, Katie.
I know this feeling all too well and hearing “go for a walk” makes someone who’s depressed feel like no one gets it and like the feelings are being down played.. but it does make you feel better.
As for being worried that you’ll be on meds forever, don’t take up too much time worrying about that, focus on finding one that works for you right now and getting yourself to a place where you feel like you 🙂
i love what miranda wrote. it does NOT define you. You are still katie. she’s still in there somewhere. I’m a little further along in the PPD road than you, and I know for a long time it ebbed & flowed, there would be weeks where I would despair and think I’m NEVER getting better… .and then out of nowhere, a glimmer of hope.
I did have to let go of the whole “Getting off meds is the definition of complete healing/recovery.”
I had to LET THAT GO. Maybe you do, too?
When I get mad about the illness and the medication, I remind myself that in the scheme of things taking Zoloft is really the least of my worries. It could be much worse. you know?
anyways, i hope i don’t sound preachy preachy. because… yuck. 😉
just know we are here for you, we love you, this is just a blip in the road and YOU WILL GET BETTER. you will.
Also? If Celexa isn’t being helpful, then maybe a switch is in order? I just remember when i finally switched to Zoloft it was like a lightbulb went off. Everything clicked into place. I was on the other med over a year… didn’t know there was something better out there for me.
hugs.
Remember that you are still you. Even if when you look in the mirror you don’t see that person looking back – it’s still you – just at a different time & phase in your life. I look at pictures all the time of what my husband married and miss that girl. I feel like I’m constantly working to get back to her. What I’ve tried to do lately is realize that maybe it’s not so much at getting back to that person but accepting the new me – all of me. Who is to say the new me isn’t as good as the old one. Well, with the exception of 80 lbs.
Just remember that you’re not in this alone. If you read your comments, there are so many of us who have had similar fears. Bottom line: I think we’re all finding out that being an adult can kind of suck! 😉 But seriously, you have a ton of people rooting for you. You write well & know how to use your blog as your outlet and let your readers be your cheerleaders. You have a ton of support.
Katie,
I used to feel this way too. It lasted so frekin long, I though enough already, when am I going to start to feel like me again. Kim kept telling me it would happen, but as the weeks and months and years went on, I began to think it would never happen, i was so tired so hopeless, so sad, so not me. Then I finally got some good nights of sleep under my belt, finally got the right combo of meds, finally started having the energy to excercise and start taking care of me, finally started enjoying my family and relationship more, finally felt able to handle things, finally realized I was feeling lighter, happier, the fog was finally lifting, I could barely believe it but there it was and now after more than a month of this, I am begining to realize that it will be ok, that this is my new normal, that I am finally coming back to me I have hope again…you will get there too, I promise (Kim said so, and she has never lied to me).
Love and hugs,
Lex 🙂
So well written! I too had PPD, but have been depressed ever since 6th grade. Lately though I am exhausted so much I am beginning to think I have chronic fatigue syndrom. They keep checking for my thyroid since I have all the symptoms and it’s a 3 generation thing in my family. If I get any more tired I will be in a coma I swear! Sorry…whine! So I hear you and I understand. I wouldn’t mind taking meds if I wasn’t so tired and unmotivated. Oh wait. Is that because my meds aren’t working? I try new things, like I went and tried Wellbutrin XL again after years but after a week or so I was a raging bitch to my boys. So…back to safety that keeps me from going off the deep end. So sorry it is turning into full blown depression. Hugs.
I just wanted to say that I’ve been there, and celexa was awful for me. I was even more depressed and tired on it. I couldn’t tolerate it. But I also know what it’s like to be on medication that worked for me, so you may just need to try another. I had good experiences with effexor, but I know we are all different. Just remember that you know what you need. And, of course, exercise is not optional for me, though it’s a struggle to work out somedays. I have had some dark dark days,. But I have come back even better. You will, too. Prayers for you…