keeping the worst to remember the best

This week we asked our members at Write on Edge to write about their worst memory and whether they would forget it if they could.

I’ve already written about the time we found out Cort’s dad’s cancer was terminal.

I wrote about the first miscarriage.

I shared about how badly that due date passing hit me (and how it was probably the start of my depression).

I wrote about the second miscarriage.

I’ve written countless times about my stupid depression and once about how I tried to go off my meds.

I could pick any of these as worst memories.

I could pick all of these as worst memories.

But there are things I haven’t written about yet…bad memories that are still rolling around in my head.

If you’ve been hanging around you know I am dealing with some depression with this pregnancy.  I am struggling to get through each day, only holding on to the hope that this will all be better in a couple weeks with my second trimester rolls around.

Not letting myself think what the next course of action will be if it’s not Ok.

Not letting my mind wonder if this is the last time I can handle being pregnant.  If my own mental health will be what decides how many children we have rather than Cort and I making the decision that we FEEL complete.

Anyway.  There are memories that are all mine and they suck the big one.

But you know what?  I wouldn’t choose to lose those memories.

As much as I hate remembering what it was like to lie on the floor writhing in pain from a miscarriage?  It also made childbirth somehow less scary.  And it made me realize how powerful my body is.  And it made me never, ever take Eddie for granted.

As much as I can’t stand remembering what it was like to watch my father in law go from a healthy, robust, hilarious man to a gaunt, sick, pale, fraction of himself?  It also made me closer to his family.  And it meant that I was there when Cortney needed me the most.

We all have terrible memories.

But being able to recall my terrible memories here…in my space…with you has been healing to me.

And it’s been good for many people who have gone through the same thing.

If I were to lose those memories, I would have nothing to remind me why I am so blessed.

And I am so very blessed.

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