I’m Good. Also, not.

I am now 3 months, 3 weeks postpartum.

This time around is so much better than the first time in many, many ways.

I mean, I don’t have postpartum depression.  That is sort of huge.

I still have the anxiety, although I am managing it much better.

But you know what? There are still some ways that this time is harder.

Now, I say harder.  I guess I mean different.  Or different difficult, because how do you compare to postpartum depression?  You don’t.

In fact, it’s hard for me to say the stuff that is difficult because almost everyone comes back with, “but hey, you don’t have PPD this time, right?  So?  WIN!?”

Well, yeah.  True.

And then I don’t know what to say.

Just because I don’t have PPD this time doesn’t make all that “other stuff” about being postpartum suddenly glorious and sparkley. But once someone sort of closes the door on the conversation with that remark, it’s hard not to feel like maybe I am making mountains of molehills by thinking anything else is challenging.

So anyway, when people ask me how it’s going, I always say, “GOOD!”  And then stop.

Not because it’s not “good,” but because it’s…well…different.  But if I say anything other than “good,” people start talking about how I don’t have PPD or how “YAY!  these are NORMAL problems!  Doesn’t that feel great?”

Um.

So to be honest, I am confused about how I am doing.

I mean…on the one hand, I am good.

Really.

Charlie is great (most of the time) and Eddie is…well…Eddie is three.

And I am…

Ok, I am going nuts.

Not PPD nuts, but nuts.

People?  MY HAIR IS FALLING OUT.

I know this is normal.  I remember it from after Eddie was born.  It just started falling out a the 3 month mark with Eddie and went for like…I don’t know…three months?  I can’t even remember.  This time it started at about 6 weeks and it’s just flying out like my head is getting paid per hair it evicts.

But not the greys.  No, sir.  Those crinkly little buggers are staying put.

My  hair falls out constantly and now my house looks like I never vacuum or swiffer…which is SO not true!  And my bathroom looks like a hurricane of loose hair blew in.  There are tumbleweeds o hair in the corners of the bathroom.

Even EDDIE has pointed this out.

You guys?  It is universally accepted that a loose hair roaming about is gross.  I HAVE A WHOLE CROP OF LOOSE HAIRS.

Also? No one tells you this before you get knocked up.

Nowhere in all of my knowledge of where babies come from and what happens after did anyone mention going almost bald.

Anyway.

There is also the issue of my body fat.

I know, I know…I just put a living, breathing, human that my body helped build into the world.  Be kind.

I have tried this be kind stuff.

I have not altered my diet much…the very same diet that had me LOSING WEIGHT during the end of my pregnancy…after Charlie was born and somehow, my body is all like, “WOO HOO!  DITCH THE HAIR, PACK ON THE POUNDS!”

I haven’t tried it or anything, but I am fairly certain I could just quit eating and still gain 15 pounds.

That is how insane my body is right now.

I know I have to exercise.  I know.  And I will.

But COME ON. I have not suddenly sat down on my butt and started popping Cheetos day in and day out.

Hardly.

I am trying to ride out this storm of pounds on, hair out.

But then?

THERE IS THE ACNE.

WHAT. THE. MESS?

So, let’s paint this picture:  luscious hair falls out.  greys stay in.  fat finds me.  zits congregate on my chin.

I’m like an overweight 80 year old tween.

I’m trying not to get down on myself.  I really am.

But I am surrounded by beautiful people.

I know they have things about themselves that bug them too…but why oh WHY do I feel mine are on display for the world to see?

Why am I looking at pictures from my sweet boy’s party and getting gaggy at the photos of me?

I know we are all our worst critic, but SERIOUSLY?

When does the feeling of ugly stop?

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