Ditching the Get Away Plans

All last week I felt a bit frantic about our looming cottage “vacation”.

I had trouble sleeping.  The To Do List was sooo long.

I kept going over and over in my head: Saturday to Sunday evening I have Cort with me.  Monday to Wednesday I am parenting solo.

{It’s a good thing I had a therapy appointment last week too.}

I was so anxious and stressed.   Even though I knew my brothers, sisters-in-law, and parents would help.  Even though I knew I was not really alone.

I kept making up “Get Away” plans in my head.

If it sucked, we could go home Sunday too.

If the boys did horribly Sunday night at bedtime, we could hit the road Monday.

If Monday was a disaster, we could leave that night.

And so on.

After big days on Saturday and Sunday, it was time for Cort to head back home.  He had to work.

Before he left, though, we did decide it would probably be better for the boys if we came home Tuesday night.  But of course, no one was holding me and if I felt really anxious, we could always pack up and leave.

There was always an out.

I feel foolish for ever feeling this way.  I always feel foolish about my anxious episodes.  Rarely do the worst case scenarios I play out in my head over and over and over come to fruition.

Sunday’s bedtime was fairly uneventful.  Eddie had a bit of a time wanting to go to bed, but when he realized I was right outside his room reading on the couch, he passed right out.

Monday was every kind of sweaty hotness.

We took advantage of a cooler morning and shade at the tiny public access beach.  Charlie napped through the whole thing and Eddie swam and built castles while I was actually able to chat with my sibs and read my book.  Once the afternoon heat started to creep in, we made lunch and pointed all the fans in the world at us in our un-AC-ed cottage.

Somehow Eddie took an epic nap.  I swear that kid was made for camping and the outdoors (so NOT like me).

Charlie was a bit of a fussy face since he handles heat about as well as I do.

After nap Eddie took full advantage of running around with his cousin and letting his aunts and uncles and grandparents keep an eye on him while I was consumed with his very unhappy baby brother.

But it was Ok.

Charlie eventually went to sleep with a fan on him, and Eddie came in and was cool with going to bed.

Enough so that after we read books, I asked him if it was Ok if I went next door to play cards with his aunts and uncles and he said yes!  He would stay and sleep until I got back.  Oh, and keep my side of the bed warm.

Yeah, it didn’t need your help, Ed.

The next day, my mom made a point to compliment me on how well my solo day and evening went.

I did what I always do with compliments.  I got uncomfortable and tried to brush it off.

But she said, “no.  Don’t disregard it.  You did great!”

And you know what?  I did.

I kept my patience even when I was so hot and tired.

Yes, Eddie was good, but I was also “good”.  I gave him choices and trusted him.

I let others walk Charlie around when he was grumpy, but I took him to feed him each time.

It was…smooth.

Tuesday I made sure to leave Charlie with Grandma for awhile so Eddie and I could finally get some one-on-one time swimming and playing.  I know he loved it as much as I did.

And when we all got home Tuesday night?  We hugged daddy, bathed our stinky bodies, and fell asleep like logs.

But not before I high-fived myself for doing something I would have NEVER considered possible just a few short years ago.

I did not let my depression and anxiety win.

I took that vacation, and I made memories with my boys.