being ready

Dear Charlie,

In just five weeks it will be the eve of your birth.

I have many emotions swirling around in my head and heart when I think about the closeness of your arrival.

I get nervous stomach and sweaty palms from excitement and anxiety.

I have been replaying Eddie’s birth over and over in my head as I prepare to go under the knife again for you.  Eddie’s c-section  was an emergency.  I had been awake for over 24 hours and had been in labor most of that time.  I was exhausted and hardly knew what was going on.

With you, I have an appointment for the morning of March 13.  I will be able to shower, put on some comfy clothes, do my hair and light make-up, and walk into my room in the hospital.

I’m not nervous…but I am.

I mean, it’s surgery.  I think anyone who is going to go in to be cut open is a little bit nervous.

But I know what it’s like, so that helps.

As of this weekend, to distract my nerves and anxiety, I have been consumed with doing things around the house.  The problem?  I really can’t do any of the things I want to do.  This week we get carpet in Eddie’s new room and daddy will put together Eddie’s furniture, which means this weekend I can start to put Eddie’s books and toys and clothes away.

I have piles of stuff for you that I want to wash and put away, but I have to wait until Eddie’s stuff is put away first.

And lately other things have distracted me.  I think I have made mental lists of “stuff” I want to do/purge in every room of our house.

I wonder if this is what nesting feels like.

I never felt this way when I was pregnant with Eddie.  Daddy kept waiting for it to happen, but I just got more and more tired.

This time, I feel like cleaning things and organizing and purging.

I need to open up space for us to grow and be comfortable.

Right now I feel cluttered.

My mind, our house, my emotions…all cluttered.

Perhaps you have noticed that I have been trying to show Eddie a little extra love and attention lately.   To be honest, I have been afraid that he will feel left out once you are here.

You don’t know this yet, but you take up a lot of time and attention.  Time and attention that Eddie is used to completely having.

I know he won’t remember any of this. I don’t remember Uncle Chris being born and we are exactly the same age spread as you and Eddie.

But he knows what is happening NOW.  He has feelings NOW.

Up until you are born, Eddie’s place in this family is the only child.

That is going to change, but it will be even better.

He will get to add Big Brother and Oldest to his roles.

And you will be Little Brother and Youngest.

Our hearts and love will expand to encompass both of you in a completely new way that we can’t imagine yet.

I think not being able to imagine or understand is what makes my hands clammy and brings the nerves to my tummy.

But my heart knows it to be true.

I know they say to enjoy the pregnancy because it is so much easier to care for the baby when he is on the inside rather than when he is on the outside.

But I am ready for you to be here.

I am ready to lose sleep in order to feed and care for you.

I am ready to relearn feeding schedules and sleep schedules.

I am ready for giving warm baths in the infant tub and wrapping you up like a little burrito.

I am ready to fall asleep on the couch with you wrapped up tight next to me.

I am ready for Eddie and daddy to fall in love with you the way I already have.

I am ready.

Five more weeks.