thanks in all circumstances

I choose not to remember them.

Those who were due to be born in November.

I guess it sounds harsh.  Choosing to forget.

Only that first year did I forget to forget.

Fifty-one weeks of the year they barely enter my mind.

This week is different…

This year, on Thanksgiving Day, we didn’t get home until more than an hour into nap time.

Eddie was spent.

Plus he had knocked his head on the car door and had cried out any remaining energy in his body.

He just wanted me to rock him.

And so we rocked.

My belly makes it hard to accommodate a 35 pound, 35 inch two year old.

But he managed to wrap an arm behind me and lay his face against my chest.

He kept catching his breath because he had cried so hard earlier.  And he kept wiggling in closer, as if he was trying to fuse together with me.

I covered him in his soft blue minky blanket with the words “Baby Boy” on it, and gently stroked his hair.

Eventually, his body went limp and his head leaned back so I could see the soft innocence of his face as he slept.

I searched my mind trying to remember the last time this happened.

I traced his nose and cheeks with my fingers.

And remembered the two who were supposed to be born in November.

For the first time in four years, I didn’t feel an ache of emptiness.

I didn’t feel a stab in my heart.

I felt peace.

Somehow, it was because of them that I have this.

I have small boy who wants nothing more than to be wrapped tightly by his momma’s arms when he is hurt, scared, tired.

I have a little person who feels safe with me.

I have a baby on the inside kicking against the pressure of his sleeping brother on the outside.

Suddenly, any anger or confusion that was left in my heart evaporated.

It was replaced with gratitude.

And a deep joy.

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.
~1 Thessalonians 5:16-18