things I can’t…or won’t…say

hospital rooms are safe.
secure
quiet and warm.

restful days
snuggly evenings
sleep-filled nights.

Going home was exciting.
the couch felt good.
my own blankets felt soft.

the first nap
best sleep ever.

then the tears came

fast and hard

Eddie is not small anymore

(the tears, they lie)

He doesn’t need you.

You missed his whole childhood.

It’s going by faster than you can see.

blurring

blurring

blurring

(the tears, they flow)

Charlie will be 6 months old when you go back to work

he will be so big

you are going to miss it

it will be the same as with Eddie.

What is wrong with you?

(the tears, they deaden)

When I am not crying, I am nothing.

Who am I?

What does happy feel like?

Who is Katie?

What is fun?

(the tears, they are a release from the robot-self)

disconnect

decompress

relax

recover

but
but
but

it’s so hard

the thoughts and feelings whirl

and then the tears come

take a breath

words from friends:
grieve the differences
soak in the now
feel your feelings
know it will pass

you are NOT alone

let it be

a visit from a friend
laughing
a glimpse at myself if only for a couple seconds
and then a few more seconds

and a sense of calm washes over

for now.

things are not easy this time.

but they are better.

and they will be better.

because I won’t let them not be.

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