baby rut

When Cort came home for lunch yesterday I admitted that I hit my stay at home wall…

Less than three weeks into this gig.

I am bored.

Ok, not really bored.

It’s not like there aren’t things to do.

And it’s not like there aren’t other things I would like to be doing.

But either the things I can do are boring and take two minutes and I do them every day and oh-mah-gawd how many times can I wash bottles in one day? or the the things I want to do, I can’t because I am not allowed to exercise or do “excessive lifting” or whatever just yet.

Currently I am living life in three hour increments which go kind of like this:

baby wakes up and cries.
change baby.
feed baby.
baby is awake and happy.  the world stops and I stare and talk to baby.
baby gets fussy since he is not wrapped up and held.
wrap baby up and snuggle.
and snuggle.
baby falls asleep.
put baby down.
baby wakes up because he knows the swing/bouncey/crib/bassinet/couch is not snuggling him.
snuggle baby.
baby falls asleep for the long haul (which means for whatever is left of this three hours).

So I guess you could say I’m not bored because clearly I have something happening constantly.

I am in a rut.

My “free time” each day…aka “when the baby is sleeping”…is anywhere from 2 hour blocks to 30 minute blocks.

I use that time to shower, wash bottles, and empty and refill the dishwasher.

Those are my three goals each day other than “keep the baby alive”.

If I have extra time, I try to nap, but I can’t always make that happen, even when I am dog-ass tired.  For some reason napping, which I could do pretty much anytime, anywhere while pregnant, is eluding me now.

In those “free” minutes where I am not holding or staring at this sweet new life I have, I play Words With Friends (by the way, you all are a bunch of cheaters.  I am convinced of this), watch crappy daytime television, read a book, or screw around on the computer.

I try to write, but I have nothing to say.  At least not here. (I guess I could just post pictures of Charlie every day…but I already over-saturate twitter and facebook with my instagrams of him).

Because I am in a rut.

I miss civilization.

I am actually looking forward to Easter Sunday because I will get to get up, shower and do my hair, and wear nice clothes.  In public.  With my family.

I need a purpose for each day other than feeding a tiny human.

I want to reorganize the basement, exercise, paint the bathroom, clean Eddie’s room, purge the closets, ship stuff off to Goodwill, start a baby book for Charlie, work on Eddie’s little boy book, oh this list goes on and on.

Many of these things have to wait until Charlie is napping more regularly and/or I can push up my sleeves and do some sweaty manual labor.

So for now, when I’ve played all my opponents in WWF and I just can’t focus on my book or another episode of Friends, and when the words aren’t coming for this blog…I guess I will just keep staring out the front window…wishing I could wear pants with a zipper.

And then I will go back to staring and snapping pictures of this:

 I’m taking suggestions on what to do with my “quiet time” for the next couple weeks.  Anyone?

 Also, I am aware that now that I just posted this, Charlie will do everything in his power to keep me busy and away from anything else except the TV from this point on.  Yup, I just did that to myself.

no idea

Today is Monday, December 12.

The first day of my maternity leave will be Monday, March 12.

Three months.

This thing is getting real, you guys.

I have gone from “we’re having a baby in March” to “Charlie will be here in three months.”

I don’t know what it was this weekend that slapped reality in my face.  Maybe it was the joy of welcoming my seven-month old nephews to the family.  Maybe it was watching videos with Eddie from when he was a baby. Maybe it was comparing Eddie’s photo with Santa from last year to the one we just took this year.

Whatever it was, the real-ness of Charlie started swirling in my head last night before bed.

A pile of conflicting emotions took over my heart.

Excitement. Joy. Grief. Anxiety.

Eddie’s time as my one and only is limited.

This is both exciting and depressing to me at the same time.

Yesterday Eddie and I were listening to music in his room and he was showing off his dance moves.  He kept choosing stuffed animals to dance with him.  Then he asked me if “Baby Cha-wee yikes to dance.”  I told him yes, and asked if he would teach him his moves someday.  He very excitedly said, “YEAH!”

Eddie is going to be a great big brother.

But I know I will miss him being my one and only.

And he will miss being the one and only.

He knows what babies are all about.  There are two at daycare.

He tells me how they sleep and cry and eat bottles.

He knows.

But he has no idea.

We know what babies are all about.  We had one, remember?

But we have no idea.

Charlie will be here in three months.

A brotherly bond will form from hugs and snuggles and jealously and competition and having each other backs.

A family bond will form through trips and trials and joys and hugs and dinners and arguments and time outs.

We know Charlie will be here in three months.

But we have no idea.