in {and out} the mood

I have a hard time writing lately.

It’s not that I don’t have anything to blog about…goodness no!  I never believe someone when they say they have run out of things to say.  How can that happen?  I could sit here and tell you about a million things.

No, not having ideas is not my problem.

My problem is my ever-changing mood.

I will get a post all written out in my head just waiting for my fingers to be in contact with a keyboard. Thirty minutes.  That is all I will need.  And the post will be down and ready to schedule or publish.

But what happens between my head composing it and my digits typing it is a change of heart.  A change of mood.  Something that was so earnest and heartfelt the day or hour before is now gone.  It fall flat when I go to type it.

Chances are, the sentiment and feeling behind it will come back…but it will be different.  It will have played itself out.

Upon working with my psychologist and my psychiatrist, I am finding that my hormones and other chemicals have not leveled out yet since giving birth in March. Technically, a woman is considered postpartum for a full year after giving birth.

My ups are way up, and my downs come crashing out of nowhere.

In both cases I feel the need to write.  To record my feelings. To hammer out these thoughts that flood my head.  But it is rare that I can muster it back up when I am in front of a computer with ample time to write.

I’ve been tracking my downs.  They come during the second half of my month.  It’s like my brain is literally on a roller coaster.  I am climbing a hill and enjoying myself for two weeks.  I have more patience, I am less likely to snap at people.  Small things don’t grate on me.  I can let things go much easier.

For a brief day or two I am on the top of that hill.  Things look rosy and anything seems possible.  I feel like I could take on anything that the world throws at me and do it all in the most pinterest-worthy fashion ever.

The down side of the hill is much more abrupt and I find myself hurling toward the bottom.  Things feel out of control. My hair whips around my face and it’s hard to see how far from the bottom I am.  What do I need to do first?  How do I prioritize and why in the CRAP do stupid people exist?  Just to bother me and make my life miserable?

And then I bottom out.

Thanks to some new things we are trying with meds and to my new SAD Lamp, these lows are not so hard-hitting.  They are less jolting than riding the Mean Streak, but they are not quite as smooth as the Millennium Force. I mean ultimately, roller coasters are pretty fun.  The cycles of the chemical levels in my brain are annoying and not what I would classify under “fun”.

The super great days and the super crappy days are very short-lasting. The building and the falling last much longer.

And sort of both suck in their own way.

I’ve read it on other blogs of people who have anxiety and/or depression, and I’ll say it too…I never know anymore what emotional responses are “normal” and what are because of the chemical levels being “off” in my brain.

I am constantly asking myself if I am over-reacting, under-reacting, having too much sympathy, being to apathetic.  Are my expectations of other people to high?  Do I write too many people off?  Am I over-thinking?  Should I care more?

Whenever I feel like I am stretched too far that I may just break I wonder, “Am I really?  Or am I used to saying that it’s my anxiety, so I just automatically chalk it up to that? Can I really get through this or is this the straw that is going to break my back?”

I wonder if I should push myself less or more.

When I am overtired and overworked…am I?  Or am I being a wuss?

Or am I being a crazy overworking, no sleeping, put everyone before her woman?

How I write about experiences is based on the mood I am in when it happens.  How the experience struck me.  If that mood runs away, I can’t muster it back up to put words to it.

And so it goes…

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