The ABC’s of Me

I have about a million posts in draft.

Ok that is not true. I am using hyperbole here, but I have a bunch going on and I can’t bring myself to actually finish anything. So last week, my friend Jennifer did this fun little post that is also pretty informative and neat, and I thought “hey! I can do that!” So here we go…

A- Age: 37

B- Biggest Fear: death. I can’t think too hard about any of my children or Cortney or my parents or my brothers or me dying. My brain can’t shut the scenarios off and I follow them through and have panic attacks. I have what my therapist likes to refer to as an “Anxiety Disorder.” Trying to think about my life without my loved ones, my loved ones being in pain, or what will happen to my conscious after life sends me spinning.

Well. This is proving to be a jolly post.

C- Current Time: 3:30pm on a Monday

D- Drink you last had: coffee

E- Easiest Person To Talk to: Cortney. Sorry, babes. You never should have let me start talking to you all the way back in 1996. Now you’re stuck with all my words.

F- Favorite Song: I don’t think I have just one favorite over all the rest. But I love “Nightswimming” by R.E.M. an awful lot.

G- Grossest Memory: the time Eddie had the worst aqua dump in the history of aqua dumps while I was pregnant with Charlie. And while Cortney wasn’t home.

H- Hometown: Zeeland, Michigan!  Feel the Zeel!

I- In love with: Well, Cortney, of course. But lately I am also in love with this root beer beer called Not Your Father’s Root Beer. It’s actually on my summer bucket list to enjoy a tasty “root beer float” with this and some of my homemade vanilla bean ice cream.

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J- Jealous Of: anyone who doesn’t have to worry about money all the time. Also people who just have to cut out soda to lose 20 pounds.

K- Killed Someone? ‪only with the evil eye O_o

L- Longest Relationship: Cortney is definitely my longest romantic relationship–it will be 12 years in September. But my longest friendship would probably be with my bestie, Tonya since we met as mere tots in Sunday School.

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M- Middle Name: Ann

N- Number of Siblings: I have two brothers, Mike (who is married to the Lovely Ashley) and Chris (who is married to Sarah). I gained a sister, MacKenzie when I married Cortney (she is married to Dave) and another brother, Cody (who is married to Liz). I like to say I have eight siblings now.

O- One Wish: That my kids make choices that keep them safe AND happy.

P- Person who you last called: the dentist office.

Q- Question you’re always asked: “When is this due?” which is closely followed by “How many points is this?”

R- Reason to smile: Eddie slept in undies (rather than a pull up) last night and woke up dry, Alice is rolling to her side, and Charlie was a rock star at his first dentist appointment today.

S- Song you last sang: “Drop the Leash” by Pearl Jam. Because it was on the radio.

T- Time you woke up: The first time = 6:15am when Eddie came in to tell me he stayed dry.  Then 7:34am when Alice decided it was time to eat.

U- Underwear Color: Blue stripes

V- Vacation Destination: Somewhere with a swim-up bar and a wrist band.

W- Worst Habit: Snacking when I’m not really hungry. Although I am sure some people would say my worst habit is being late. Always with the late.

X- X-rays you’ve had: teeth, ankle, lungs

Y- Your favorite food: I have a really hard time choosing this too. I do love seafood–especially shrimp, lobster, scallops, and the like.

Z- Zodiac Sign: Aries. Despite two of my three children being born in March with me, I remain the sole Aries in the house. Which is probably for the best.

And because I don’t know how to wrap this up, here…look at this cute baby who was talking to me all morning and rolling to her side because it’s her new trick.

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I feel like I am failing.

I don’t think I have enough patience to be a mother.

I wonder why I thought I could have another baby.


I don’t think I have enough patience to be a junior high school teacher.

I think I have to choose between being a nice teacher or the crabby teacher because being “fun” means kids can’t refocus.

I think about quitting.


I feel like a let down as a wife.

I am painfully aware of how much work it is to love me.

I cry when he can’t hear me.


I wonder why people stay my friend.

I have to admit I wouldn’t be friends with me.

I step outside myself and don’t like what I see.


I laugh so hard at something my  boys do, I forget all the other challenges of the day.

I see in his eyes that wants no one else but me.

I think I can change the world one student at a time.

Sometimes I forget that my life is blessed because I get blinded by my self-doubts.


sometimes i know, sometimes i rise
sometimes i fall, sometimes i don’t
sometimes i cringe, sometimes i live
sometimes i walk, sometimes i kneel
sometimes i speak of nothing at all
sometimes i reach to myself, dear god
~Sometimes by Pearl Jam


I first saw this lovely idea of doing a self-portrait post at my friend Grace’s blog.  And of course hers is stunning.  Not just the picture but her words.  She linked to this being Chelsey’s original idea.  Whoever thought it up…I love it.  And I am doing it.

So here we go…

Obsessing over…
The plans surrounding Charlie’s birth.  Sometimes I think knowing the date and time is just as bad for me as not knowing.  Luckily my mother-in-law is saving the day and taking Eddie in the morning so he can be FIRST to meet his brother.  That is VERY important to me for some reason.   And then we are saying no visitors until 4:00ish when people start getting off from work so I can actually rest and have alone time with my newborn…something I didn’t get last time.  But I can’t stop thinking about it.  The weird thing is that I really loved my hospital stay last time and I am hoping to love it just as much this time.  Weird? Maybe.

Working on…
Growing a baby, making long-term sub plans, giving all my free time to Eddie, and being nice to Cortney even when there is a foot in my ribs.

We are also perpetually working on Eddie’s Big Boy Room.

Thinking about…
What Charlie will look like…what will it be like to have two boys…what will it be like to sniff a baby head again…what Charlie’s personality will be like (please be chill like your daddy, Charlie)…how something has switched in my brain and I am totally looking forward to five plus months off from work to learn to be a mom of two….how much our lives are about to change.

all the days on the calendar with NO PLANS and hoping to keep some of that just the way it is…and not apologize for it.

Listening to…
At this exact moment…The Grammys.  Lately, I have reignited my crazy love for Pearl Jam and cannot stop listening to live shows every morning on my drive in to work.

I’m also trying to listen to my body and my mind and my heart and doing what they need instead of what others might want.  That is where I went astray when I had Eddie and I refuse to do that again.

Surprisingly well for being 9 months pregnant.  Small, fairly good for me meals and lots of fruit.

And lots and LOTS of peanut butter m&ms.

For a smooth rest of my pregnancy and a happy, healthy baby.

For a date with my cute husband ASAP after this baby is out and I can go up and down stairs again.

For ppd/a to just stay the crap away from me this time.