spread way too thin

I, I’m spread way too thin
Everybody wants to know what’s happenin
I, I’m spread way too thin
What’s the big rush now, tell me why you’re rushin’*

Last night (Tuesday) I started a post about a small moment with Eddie that made me so filled with happiness I almost burst in our local grocery store.

I started the post at 8:30pm after putting him to bed.  I had quizzes to grade, but I figured that since the event was fresh, I would hammer it out, hit post, and move on to my quizzes.  It takes me about 30 minutes per class to mark them and enter them into the grade book, and I had three classes to do.  That would still give me time to get to bed by 10pm–something I desperately needed after all the running I did that day.

Instead, I got about 2 paragraphs down before Eddie got out of bed a total of 6 times.  It wasn’t just getting up either, he was doing ridiculous things each time like taking all his bedding and clean laundry and stuffed animals and his bean bag and putting it all in a pile in the middle of the room and then telling me he couldn’t sleep because his bed was messy.  O_O

All this time he was fighting bedtime, he was also getting very tired and very whiney and very VERY sobby.  I was getting tired and stressed and angry.

If you have read this blog for any amount of time you know that when Eddie and I clash, things get ugly because we are the exact same person.

By the time Cort got home at 10:15pm, there was a broken humidifier (Eddie’s doing), a crying three year old (my doing), and a crying mommy (our doing).  I was lying in bed with him and we were apologizing to each other and crying.

Cort took over and I stayed up until 11:30 getting my grades done, but not the post.

People?

There are cracks in the foundation.

After Cort came upstairs after getting Eddie calmed, he sat across from me.

It was all too familiar.

Me in my chair, him on the couch.

His worried, concerned face.

My tear-stained face.

Defeated, I covered the same ground I did 3 years ago.

It’s happening again.  Just like after I went back to work after having Eddie.

I want to do it all.

I want to be the best mom and the best teacher.  I have the passion for both.

But I can’t.

When I am busting my butt to be a great teacher and really do all the awesome things I want to, I am neglecting everything and everyone in our house.

When I say “no” to grading a bit longer or staying at work a bit later to plan, stuff piles up.  Deadlines become frantic (like the progress report deadline of 8am tomorrow {Thursday} that I am avoiding by writing this out).

I can’t win.

My weekends are jam-packed with things I totally want to do, but adding that to the already non-stop work week means that other than sleep, I am getting less than an hour TOTAL of Katie time a week.

The cracks in the foundation are rapidly starting to become fault lines.

Well everybody’s callin’, but I just need some time
Yeah I just need some room to breathe again
A way to clear my mind

While changing a poopy pants the other day I had a quick vision of myself sitting in a room of my own.

There was a desk with a nice area for grading and planning.

My laptop was there for writing.

My notebook was open to a fresh page.

There was a window looking out to trees and flowers and singing birds…or a rainy day…or a snow-covered lawn.

There was a steaming hot cup of coffee next to me and I was wearing yoga pants and a hoodie.

And I was at peace.

And then I looked down and realized there was poop on my hand and the baby was crying.

This introvert needs solitude to recharge.

And that is not happening.

Right now, my entire existence is for others. Every ounce of energy I have is being squeezed out for others’ needs.

And I am left empty and broken.

*Lyrics from “Spread Too Thin” by Dirty Heads

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