My post for The Red Dress Club is on my other blog, Exploded Moments today. I would love it if you would check it out. Today’s prompt was to write about something you still remember by heart from your childhood.
As I stood in the shower this afternoon, tears welled up in my eyes.
I could feel the lump in my chest.
No. Not that feeling. No.
But I could do nothing to stop the tears, so I stuck my face in the hot stream of water to try to wash them out of existence.
I knew this feeling. It would creep up while I was teaching or grading or while I was eating my lunch at my desk.
I should be home with my son. What is he doing right now? Does he miss me? How is he napping? Does he miss me? Does he care that I am not around all day? Has he said any new words? Is he doing any new things? I should be there with him. I should be singing and dancing and playing with him.
And now I am home.
But the feeling is back.
This morning we were up by 7:30am but didn’t do anything until 10am.
Most people would say, “who cares? It was your first day off? Spend the whole day in jammies.”
But I was so crabby. Because I had this gnawing feeling creeping up the back of my neck and making a nest of ugly in my brain.
My only thought all morning was:
If he was at daycare? He would have done 542098045 things by now. And what has he done here? Nothing.
I felt like a fail for having the TV on PBS all morning.
I felt like a fail for having my computer not just on, but open so that I could constantly check and tweet.
I felt like a fail for reviewing all my To Do lists for my blogs and for the house.
I felt like a fail for wishing I could just sit around
on pinterest and read all day.
I just felt all failish. Like I was depriving him of fun and learning and toddler-ness.
So I got us out of the house. Fast.
To get groceries. People? He does not love getting groceries.
So we played outside for about an hour when we got home, but I couldn’t help thinking I should take him to a park where there are more options for playing.
I am sure he did not care.
I am sure he was just having a great day running around with mom.
Logically I know this. But my head…oh my head let it go.
After lunch he took a nap and I plowed through some chores before taking a shower.
Finally the feelings wouldn’t stay inside anymore. It’s like the warm shower opened up my pours and my tear ducts. My emotions and guilty feelings came tumbling out.
I would like to say I washed them away and let them go down the drain and came out refreshed.
I wish that shower was symbolic and lovely that way.
But it wasn’t and I didn’t.
I forgot how hard these transitions are on me.
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I have TONS of reviews, giveaways, discounts and more coming up this summer to show my love for you and for those who have loved me.
So stay tuned and check back often!