no, i am not sick of my baby

You know that thing where you write up a post that you think is a nice light humorous way to show that you miss civilization, but then a few people read your words and infer that you are tired of your baby and you want him to grow up fast and get out of this stage, so then you obsess at every night feeding over the fact that now you are pretty sure the entire interwebs thinks you’re a terrible mom who wants to run away from your baby, and you know that is not true, but the interwebs thinks it, so you can’t sleep even when you do get the baby down and now it’s 4:30 in the morning and you have been up for over four hours and the baby won’t sleep and you are crying because you’re so tired and you committed to going to the critter barn with your other son’s daycare while also taking your nephew in the afternoon, and you are going to be a mess because you haven’t slept?

Yeah.

That happened to me.

Yesterday my words here failed to convey what I was trying to say.

I wrote that I am in a rut and that I am bored.

What some people read was that I am sick of my baby.

But what I realized I meant was that I miss social interaction.

I love this time with Charlie.  I soak in each second with him because I missed so much with Eddie.

When Charlie is awake I am staring at him.

When he eats, I stare into his eyes and slip my pinky into his little fist.

I kiss his droopy cheeks relentlessly.

I drift off to sleep with my nose stuck to his head trying to smell his baby-ness in my dreams.

When he is wide awake after a bottle, I put him on a blanket and lie next to him to listen to his coos and snorts.

I tell him stories of his Great Grandparents and Papa who are in Heaven.  I sing him songs.  I trace the lines of his little face with my finger.

But when he is napping, well, he is napping.

It could be for 30 minutes or maybe 2 hours.

It’s in that time…after the shower has been taken and the bottles washed and the dishes done and the house picked up…that I look around and miss something.

I guess it’s not that I am bored.  It’s different than that.

I am used to getting up and going to work every day.  I’m used to 100+ students asking me 100000000+ questions.  I’m used to adult interaction about things other than my household or my children. I’m used to staff meetings and curriculum discussions and parent meetings and piles of grading and lesson planning.

I’m not used to being idle in the middle of the day.

In the mornings I sip my coffee, watch the Today Show, and check the twitters and the blogs until he needs some cuddles.  Then we nap together on the couch.

But in the afternoons…when I don’t need a nap, but he does…well…I am left wandering.

There were a few moms who said it best yesterday:  I am lonely.

Yesterday, while people were misreading my words, I packed Charlie up and headed to my brother’s house to watch the Detroit Tigers’ home opener with both brothers and my parents.

It was lovely to be amongst adults out of my house and talk about things like baseball, iphones vs non-iphones, the time my brother got lost in his sleeping bag, and other non-baby things.

Today I packed up Charlie again and we headed over to go along on a field trip with Eddie’s daycare to The Critter Barn.  They have baby goats and lambs, you know.

It’s the “getting ready and seeing and interacting with adults” that I miss from my life.

It has nothing to do with how much I love being quiet and alone with Charlie.

I am in LOVE with that in a way I never was with Eddie.

But the days are long and lonely at the same time.

I think the key is planning something that gets us “ready” and “out” each day.

I don’t want the time to go faster.  No, no, NO!  I want to keep my boys just how they are.

But I do need to not go crazy from the lack of interaction with the “real world” too.

Does this make sense?

What do you do to keep your sanity?  What “trips” do you take to keep yourself involved in civilization?

Eddie and his BFF, Brooke, at the Critter Barn. Cue melting mommy heart.

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