in this moment…i am healed

This moment…

I am unshowered at almost 2pm on a Thursday.

I have barely eaten anything, and only peed once since getting up this morning.

I have no make up on.  In fact, I didn’t wash my face last night either, so maybe I have some smudged leftover eyeliner on.

I’m still in my jammies.

I could fall asleep if I wasn’t typing these words.

and I feel healed.

Because also in this moment there is a small gift snoozing on me.  smiling in his sleep.  frowning in his sleep.  sighing. stretching.

we are draped with a blanket a knitting club from church made for him.

The TV is off and instead a mix I made for my ipod is playing softly from the kitchen while we take up resident in my chair in the livingroom.

and I feel healed.

It’s been 2 years since I wrote about my depression.

It’s been almost 3 years since I had a wee bundle in my arms.

Despite all that I have accomplished in the past three years, I still carry guilt and hurt in my heart that my experience with Eddie during his first year fell short of wonderful.

Had I been unshowered and idle under a sleeping baby on a beautiful sunny day three years ago?  I would have cried the whole time.  I would have felt incapacitated.  I would have stored up anger and resentment in my heart and taken it out on Cort as soon as he walked through the door.

But today?

Today I could totally put the baby down.

I could do laundry and change sheets and scrub floors.

I could shower.

I could pack us up and run errands.

But I am choosing not to.  I am choosing not to.

Colic is not choosing for me.

Depression is not choosing for me.

Anxiety is not choosing for me.

I am choosing for me.

In this moment, I am sniffing a baby head every few seconds.

I am closing my eyes and letting myself rest.

I am not feeling needed anywhere but right here.

I am managing my commitments.

I am staring at my baby…his tiny nose and fingers and toes and lashes.

In this moment…I am healed.

it's not glamorous, but there is no where else I would rather be.


Don’t forget…one of the reasons I am thriving this time is because I am taking care of myself.  I want to help YOU take care of yourself too, so enter my giveaway!