The Week that Felt Like Trying to Run Through Waist-Deep Mud

Nothing horrible happened this week, but my brain felt all murky and jumbled and just not…ok.

Have you ever had those dreams where you had to do something fast–run or get something–and every attempt felt like something like mud or jello was keeping you from doing the thing you needed to at the pace it needed to be done?

That was my week.

It was like trying to run a race through waist-deep mud.

But in my brain.

That probably makes no sense at all.

Thursday I had my monthly therapy appointment. I actually planned to bring up some of the challenges we have had with Charlie at school, but the minute I walked through the door and made a comment about the fall-like weather, my therapist gave me this look that was the definition of side-eye. Then she said right out loud, “you just don’t look like you are doing ‘fine’.”

She was not wrong.

But I couldn’t put my finger on why. Nothing remarkable happened during the week; it was the same as it ever was.

Teaching is exhausting this year for a number of reasons that I can’t really go into here. I can say my students are awesome, but require a LOT of me which means my grading and planning workload gets shifted to doing a lot on my own time for the first time in a few years.

Having two kids in school with all the homework and field trips and just “stuff” to keep track of is a part-time job of it’s own.

Cub scouts and soccer has carved out yet more of our downtime (although now soccer is over so maybe we will get some of that time back).

Cortney is on consistory at church which is awesome, but with two meetings a month plus his weekly bowling league, it means he is in and then back out again often.

We have more things to do at home that we just don’t have time for including winterizing the outside stuff, organizing inside, and the regular house-cleaning stuff.

I have deadlines for grades, conference presentations, articles, and PhD application materials looming.

Parent/Teacher conferences are coming up next week for me, and then the following week for our boys.

We have family photos coming up.

It’s just…a lot to keep track of. A very carefully choreographed balancing act.

I feel like I’m going to trip over my own feet and it’s all going to come crashing down at the same time.

Forget having time for my own self-care. That has come in the form of eating horrible things at night before bed that make me feel gross and bad about myself the next day. The hour between the kids going to bed and me needing to go to bed feels like forced relaxation–a time when I play on my phone or watch TV or read a book, while all the time thinking about all the crap in my school bag that needs to get done and now it’s just another day that I put it off.

I’m going to let someone (other than myself) down soon.

All of this is VERY anxiety-inducing for me.

And I know…I KNOW…if I don’t figure something out fast, I’m going to fall into depression and all those balanced items in my week are going to crash everywhere while I dig myself into a hole. The longer I allow myself to try to run through mud, the harder the fall is at the end.

I KNOW THIS.

And yet…I can’t stop. I can’t find a place to set anything down.

I’m mixing metaphors for goodness sake.

Because I’m running on shitty snacks and caffeine.

I know I’m on a frenzied road to depressionville, but I don’t know what to do about it.

My therapist says to use my support system, but I don’t know how to do that right now. I don’t know how to give any of this away. ┬áMy main support–Cortney–is deep into crazy busy at work himself working at his Chromebook from the kids’ bedtime until our own bedtime.

There is no way to stop this crazy train, Ozzy.

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