it’s 3am and i’m hilarious

Charlie is a pretty scheduled little guy.

He eats 3 oz every 3 hours almost to the minute.

This means after we get him to sleep after his 9pm feeding, I try to get my booty in bed and will myself to sleep so I can get about two solid hours before he needs to eat again at midnight.

I’m usually pretty alert at midnight.  I mean, to me, 12am is not an obscene hour and I’ve just had a refreshing 90 minutes or so of sleep.  Shoot, I’m a new woman at midnight!

Of course, it’s not just eat and then sleep.

There is the diaper change, and then the 20 or so minutes of cuddling back to sleep.  But if he is up at midnight, I am generally back in bed by 1am.

It’s the 3am feeding the kicks me in the bootocks.

I tend to stumble out of bed, put on my robe, pee, wash hands, get the boy, make a bottle…

Ok, I assume this is what I do.

3am is honestly so fuzzy and auto-pilot-y that I can’t tell you with confidence that I do all these things.  Although the bottle gets recorded, so I must do that.

I have to work at staying awake while feeding the wee one at that time of the night.

So I think about this blog.

Last night it occurred to me–hilariously–that Charlie was basically just like a 98 year old man.

I started chucking at the list I was mentally making:

He sucks on his gums like he expects to find teeth there.  Constantly.

He looks at me as if I am speaking gibberish and then only responds when I give him food.

He interrupts me when I am talking to him.

He farts loudly and doesn’t seem to realize he made the sound.

He shouts disapprovingly at people as they walk in and out of his line of vision.

I think I saw him give visitors the finger the other day…while everyone pretended it wasn’t really happening.

He poops his pants in the middle of a conversation.

He is demanding.

He has no use for the latest technology and doesn’t care what is going on in the news.  But he does like to nap to the sound of a baseball game.

He’s balding.

He falls asleep while I am talking to him.

People?  I was laughing so hard at this sorry list last night that I was almost crying.

Of course, it was 3am.

I am hilarious at 3am.

To myself.

Charlie’s take on my ideas?  Well, he just pooped his pants and fell asleep.

Of course.