twenty-eight weeks, eleven to go

Dear Alice,

If everything goes ok and you and I both stay nice and healthy, we have eleven more weeks of you on the inside. At this time (9:04am) in eleven weeks, you will probably be here. Your brothers may already have met you.

Baby girl clothes have been showing up from friends who have older girls. Really cute hand-me-downs, and even a few new things have arrived in the mail. As I hold them I have all these mixed feelings. I’ll be honest with you, Alice. I am scared to be a “Girl Mom”.  It might be silly, but I feel like I don’t know how. All these dresses and cutesy things…they are so foreign to me. Tiny mary jane-style shoes and flowery shirts are a far cry from little man khakis and cardigan sweaters. I’m used to converse and bow ties. I’m used to dressing up tiny little men. I’m used to boys.

You are a little scary to me.

Daddy keeps reminding me that you are not going to be born an 8-year old with an opinion. That you will be a small cuddly baby who will need me to feed you, and change you, and cuddle you. That I know how to do all of those things very, very well. He is right, and I am very VERY much looking forward to those first couple months when it’s just you and me and time to be together.

But as I rock Charlie before bed, I look around the nursery. I imagine your name on the wall instead of his, your clothes hanging in the closet instead of his sweaters, your shoes lined up instead of his, the trucks put downstairs to make way for whatever you love. And it’s weird.

When I was pregnant with Charlie, the only things I put away from the nursery were things that said “Eddie” on them. Now I am also gathering up “boy stuff” to put in the “boy room” downstairs. I want a clean slate for you. It’s very possible you will also be in love with trains and trucks, and that is great! We have lots! But maybe you will love baby dolls and My Little Ponies, and I want the room to be ready for that too.

So it’s strange.

I’ve had two babies before you, but it’s feels like I am starting over from scratch. I feel that sense of not knowing what to expect all over again. In fact, I have been so nervous about it, I have refused to let go of the boy clothes I have in storage that Charlie has grown out of simply because…well…what if you’re NOT a girl?

I mean, I SAW the ultrasound. I know there are no boy bits. I know that. But something in my head just can’t wrap itself around a GIRL.

I want you to be here. I want you to be real. I want a daughter.

But I am afraid.

I hope it’s Ok to admit that to you.

Eleven more weeks and you will be on the outside, but still in my arms.

I’m very excited, Alice. Despite the nerves.

I promise.

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About Katie

Just a small town girl...wait no. That is a Journey song. Katie Sluiter is a small town girl, but she is far from living in a lonely world. She is a middle school English teacher, writer, mother, and wife. Life has thrown her a fair share of challenges, but her belief is that writing through them makes her stronger.

Comments

  1. I had two boys and then a girl, too. It IS a little like starting all over again, which is actually kind of cool when it’s your third. It will be familiar and easier because you’ve done it all before, but with a little spin of pink ruffles. I have to admit, having my daughter was an amazing experience. It’s still amazing, 9 years later, and she is my favorite girl in the entire world.

    You’re going to fall in love in a whole new way and it won’t be scary at all.
    Tracey Becker recently posted…FloatingMy Profile

  2. I certainly remember having some of these feelings! But then after K was born I went a little baby girl shoe crazy and it was all downhill from there! ha! And if she’s anything like my girl, she will like ALL THE TOYS, which can also be a bad thing. LOL!

    So excited for you to have a daughter!!

  3. There’s also an element of what you make it. My little girl never wore ruffles and has very minimal pink. She loves blocks and cars and toy story and Princess Sophia.

    In the end, the main difference I see is just personality. Everything else evens out.
    Isha recently posted…Clayton’s SkinMy Profile

  4. Every time I think of you with a daughter (and Alice most especially because I love her name and then there is that new commercial where the boy and girl are under the tree talking about the ornaments and the oler brother says, “that’s for Alice but she doesn’t know it yet?” “Mom says she’s still cooking” and I swear I ter up every single time.) my heart just opens up with HOPE and LOVE for you.

    You’re going to be an amazing mom to a daughter, that I know for sure.
    Kir recently posted…First, The Flowers (The Ben Stories)My Profile

  5. You got this, Katie — Alice will be here soon, and all will be good. Can’t wait to see her face here 🙂
    John (Daddy Runs a Lot) recently posted…Where I present the unforeseen downsides to getting in shapeMy Profile

  6. I know all the feelings about having a daughter after all the boys.
    Now that my little girl is here, I am STILL trying to wrap my head around the fact that I HAVE A DAUGHTER.
    And it is awesome. YOU will be awesome.
    Alison recently posted…Break And 2015 Through The Lens Thursday Prompts!My Profile