Blogging for Mental Health

I felt like I was outside myself, watching what was happening. It was like a dream–a nightmare, really.

I wanted to just stop myself.

But also like in a nightmare, I couldn’t. The rational, sane part of me was frozen, only able to watch in horror as the crazy came out.

I yelled.  A lot.

I was so filled with rage.

Cortney walked very softly around me for months, fearing that one false move would send me off into a blind, white rage from hell.

I bluntly told him he sucked. I told my mom she was unhelpful and ridiculous.

I was a bitch.

My insides would start churning and winding and the only way to release all the pressure was to rage at someone. I wanted to keep my mouth shut, but the more I tried, the worse the rage was.

Cortney didn’t read my mind, so he was constantly berated.

I didn’t know what I wanted, but I expected him to not just know, but do all of these things on an imaginary list that I hadn’t written yet. I would realized I wished the bathroom was a different shade of yellow and somehow I was so SO pissed that he had not anticipated that and painted the bathroom to appease the rage monster inside of me.

I wanted so badly to just be good and normal and happy, but the more I tried, the worse everything fell apart.

I didn’t want anyone to know about my wound-up insides. I wanted to be better, so I thought I could pull the whole “fake it ’til you make it” routine.

But my insides got worse.

I was crying a lot. I couldn’t control myself at all and I was afraid I was going to hurt my husband.

Every time the baby cried, which was often since Eddie had colic, something in me began to boil. I wanted to shake the baby, but I did NOT want to shake the baby.  So instead I lashed out at Cortney.

Until one day I broke down and realized something was broken in me.

That was the start of my healing.

I got help.

If you think you or someone you love may be battling depression or anxiety, let them know they are not alone. They can get better.

For a list or resources for mental health including postpartum mood disorders and other illnesses, see sites such as Your Mind, Your Body, BonBon Break’s List of Resources, and Postpartum Progress.

I'm Blogging for Mental Health.

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About Katie Sluiter

Just a small town girl...wait no. That is a Journey song. Katie Sluiter is a small town girl, but she is far from living in a lonely world. She is a high school English teacher, college adjunct instructor, freelance writer, mother, and wife. Life has thrown her a fair share of challenges, but her belief is that writing through them makes her stronger.

Comments

  1. Thank you for lending your voice to an important issue, Katie. xo
    Alison recently posted…Dreaming of My MotherMy Profile

  2. Unbelievable

    This morning I followed my teenager to the gas station before school to fill up her car. The place was closed. We got back into traffic and found another place to stop. I was in a rage. No excuse for it, but I got out of the car and just tantrumed like an idiot for 5 minutes. My 18-year-old let me go until I stopped and then just hugged me.

    I suck….and I relate to this very much
    Lance recently posted…100 Word Song – Bigmouth Strikes AgainMy Profile

  3. Thank you for speaking up, Katie. I don’t think many people realize what an inner struggle anxiety can. xox
    Kerstin recently posted…42.5My Profile

  4. You are brave, you are important, you are wonderful.
    Keep fighting because your voice is such an incredible sound here in our world.

    xo
    Kir recently posted…I’m Listening {Happy Mother’s Day to my Incredible Mom}My Profile

  5. So brave, this post. Thank you for your honesty. Anxiety, and all of its manifestations, can be crippling, embarrassing, and induce hopelessness. For me, the biggest challenge is convincing others that it is something that even the most openly “put together” person can suffer with privately, and that it is very real. But with stories like yours and so many others, I feel like the stigma is being chipped away and we can talk more openly about it as a society. Thank you.
    Kristen recently posted…Microwaves for Real People (But Especially PMS-y Parents)My Profile

  6. Thank you for being brave. Thank you for sharing. I am blogging this week about my mental health experience too,
    Tiffany Patrerson recently posted…Stamp It Out Part 3 : She’s the happiest girl in the world…until she’s not.My Profile

  7. That out of body feeling is the worst. Knowing that what you are doing is wrong, but being unable to stop yourself. I’m so glad you got help.
    Jennifer recently posted…Happy Mama Moments – Superhero MomMy Profile

  8. So important to share. Thank you for having this conversation – I’m sure it will be a very important beginning for some people.
    Laura recently posted…DistractionMy Profile

  9. Such an important topic that many people don’t want to discuss. Thank you for your bravery.
    Robbie K ( recently posted…Monday Listicles: MUST HAVES Closet EditionMy Profile

  10. I know these feelings so very well.
    thank you for reaching out and sending this message to so many others who need it.
    Leighann recently posted…The Caterpillar on her Arm 2My Profile

  11. Thank you for writing this. I have gone through several bouts of anxiety and depression in my life, and what you’ve written describes it pretty well. The worst part is that feeling of isolation; and the more people talk about it (like you!) the more the stigma goes away, and the easier it is for people in this situation to get help. So bravo to you.
    Momma Sunshine recently posted…Queen For a Week! (Or, How I Proved That I’m Smarter Than My Husband)My Profile

  12. This post will be very helpful in showing people what mental health issues can look like.
    anna whiston-donaldson recently posted…Love Flash Mob!My Profile

  13. Yes. Yes. It’s so hard.

    Sending hugs for the remembering and thanks for the strength of sharing.
    Andrea B ( recently posted…Motherhood is …My Profile

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