Yesterday, I re-read my About Page with the idea that I would add a few things, but I was caught on the happy little love story I outlined.
I stared at the pictures of me and Cort for a long time, forgetting what it was I was going to add.
You guys seem like the best couple ever. So fun and so happy.
This is life. Crap happens. Our response has always been to cling to each other and laugh as much as we can reminding each other that we will get through it by God’s Grace.
But what if you stop clinging to each other?
What if nothing is going wrong and life is just life and things get mundane and the small things get annoying?
What happens when you just did dishes and the sink is already piled high again? Is it worth “clinging” about?
What if nothing is tragic, so you aren’t holding on tightly? Or much at all?
What happens then?
What is happening to us? Something isn’t right. It’s not…clicking or something.
Marriage is work, yo.
I give the side eye to anyone who says they have been married for a billion years and never felt like their marriage was work.
Love is not work. Not to me. At least not that I have experienced yet. I love easily and freely and with all my heart. I have never ever doubted my love for my husband or my sons.
Now “liking”, that is different, but love? That is natural.
Marriage, on the other hand is WORK. Work that has to be done by BOTH parties or it’s not going to work. I mean, marriage is TWO people, not just one. It’s a team effort.
In our first couple years of marriage, we experienced Cort’s dad dying, two miscarriages, unemployment, and mental illnesses along with other family deaths.
We hung on to each other fiercely.
We weren’t working on our marriage, we were working on our hearts. On our hope. On our positivity in this world.
When you are holding that tightly to someone and you are joined together through grief and mourning and struggle, the marriage just is. At least it was for us.
If someone was struggling, the other became the rock. We were a team. We kept the team going.
Then our team expanded.
Children change things.
Cort and I are both pretty independent people; we both lived alone after school and before getting married. When it was just the two of us, we were home a lot together, but we could do our own thing. If I wanted to clean the house and then read a book, I didn’t need to clear anything with his plans to run to Lowes’ and reorganize the downstairs desk area. We went about our day, went out to dinner, and usually had a conversation that started with, “So, how was your Saturday? Did you get to do everything you wanted?”
That is not the case anymore.
“Free and easy” isn’t a thing with two kids under four.
If we both have errands and expectations of the day, there are still two kids who need someone with them. We can’t both just pack up and leave without considering the kids and their schedules.
We have always prided ourselves on our communication.
Except that lately ours sucks.
Life is not tragic right now. We are not holding each other each night reassuring the other that it will be ok.
Instead, we are falling into bed after hardly talking because the nightly routine of kids’ bedtimes and getting other stuff done has taken away “our” time.
We roll over mumbling a “‘night. Love you.” to each other.
Something isn’t right.
We have gotten frustrated with each other quickly. We have both been guilty of being mad that the other is not a mind reader.
This past week Cort came to my therapy session with me.
We talked a lot about where the breakdown seems to be happening and when we feel most loved by the other.
That night at home, after the boys were in bed, we sat and chatted about the session and about the work that we needed to do.
Wednesday I came home to roses on my bedside table.
Not because he was sorry–there was nothing to be sorry about–but because he had thought about doing it the week before and had not done it. Instead of just having the good intention, he did the nice thing.
Coincidentally, I had ordered him a print with a song lyric on it that I had custom made for him just because I knew he would think it was awesome. It arrived on Wednesday.
Wednesday, while dinner was cooking, we held each other and laughed.
We held on as tightly as possible, so much so that Charlie crawled up and hung on too.
We are not a perfect couple by a long shot. We have to work hard at this reality that is still new to us–being parents.
We need to learn to put our marriage a bit higher on the priority list. Maybe even above the dishes.
We have a date next Saturday. Our first since Charlie was born.
Marriage is work. And we are going to work it.