Don’t Hate, Yo

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Sometimes, after a long week (ok, or day…FINE or hour) I sit down to my computer a little cranky.

(FINE…with a horrible attitude.  Sheesh you guys are pushy about truth.)

And sometimes I open some sort of social media and a picture of a kid shows up.  And I want to say, “YOUR KID IS UGLY!”

Or sometimes, I want to tweet a scathing, hate-filled tweet generalizing certain bloggers or whatever just to vent some of the ugly out of my brain.

And sometimes, I read articles or blog posts after that and I want to leave ugly, rude comments about the mental capacity of the blogger.

Once in awhile I want to instagram myself giving the whole world the middle finger.

Or I want to write a blog post talking about all the things I hate and hit publish and watch people get mad at me and hate me and disown me.

Or post a tweet or fb or G+ status bitching about family or friends who have pissed me off or let me down and how much I a just plain sick of it.

But I don’t.

I don’t do any of those things.

But I get afraid by the ragey hate that finds its way into my brain.  A lot of times it has nothing to do with kids (I don’t find anyone’s kids to be really ugly, relax), or friends or family. It is nothing anyone really did to me.

It’s the long day.

It’s the cycle of my monthly anxiety ups and downs. Highs and lows.

Maybe I have too much on my plate and I project my disdain on others instead of on myself.

Whatever. I get mean.

I leave the “mean” in my head though.

(Ok, Cort has to hear about it.  Even at the end I take it all back and just say I am tired and whatever, because it’s true. Thank goodness he promised to stay married to me. He deserves a medal.)

That meanness is toxic though.  If I let myself dwell on it, it affects my attitude at work, at home, and with other people.  I get defensive and bratty about everything.  It poisons my soul.

Sometimes, when I am feeling over-tired and unable to write or be productive, I will read an online post or article.  And then I will let myself read the comments.

People are mean.

People say the most amazingly rude and off-topic things just because they can.

I realize when I read comments and rude words, that the meanness I feel from time to time is fleeting for me.  It’s not really who I am…it’s not really how I feel about my friends and family…or even strangers.  I don’t have this horrid disdain for mankind pent up in me.

In fact, I really believe in love.

“Be devoted to one another in love, honor one another above yourselves.” (Romans 12:10)

I really believe in the Golden Rule of treating others the way I want to be treated…even if people don’t come through with reciprocating.

I know a lot of these toxic thoughts and destructive self-talk comes from my anxiety and depression.  I remember too well how much I let the rage win before I knew there was a problem. I remember hurting those closest to me by actually saying the horrible things that my brain put on my lips.

It never made me feel better.  Ever.

“Therefore…fix your thoughts on Jesus.” (Hebrews 3:1)

Meds helped my brain shut up, but not completely.

Because my hormones are still jacked up from having a baby, certain times of the month (after I ovulate for those of you who love the TMI on the blog) are harder than other times of the month.  My brain tells me all sorts of lies about how hard and horrible my life is and how everyone else has it better and how I should look for something bad in them and their life so I can feel better about my own.

Friends, it never works that way.

I have learned through therapy, my devotionals, and just going with my heart instead of my lying brain that in order to stop the toxic thoughts from polluting my soul, I have to turn my thoughts to love.

“And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.” (Colossians 3:14)

I don’t win the war on toxic thoughts every time.

But I am winning more than I am not.

When I feel like the hate and meanness is overwhelming I say something nice to someone.  I go out of my way to extend love to someone.

Because just like words can hurt, they can heal.  Not just the person spoken to, but the speaker as well.

“The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.” (Proverbs 18:21)

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1)

I can’t control the words that are out there in the world, but I CAN control the words that come out of my mouth and that flow out of my finger tips.

I can control what I let myself be exposed to too.  I don’t have to read comment sections (especially of controversial topics). I don’t have to watch violent TV shows.   I don’t have to listen to hate talk.

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” (Proverbs 4:23)

What I see and hear and expose myself to will affect what my brain tries to tell me to say and do.  When I read hurtful things, my brain starts to tell me to hate.  When my brain tells me to hate, my mouth (and fingers) tend to let meanness flow.

“Get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as Christ forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:31-32)

“And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them.” (Mark 11:25)

Let it go.

A million times a day I tell myself: LET IT GO.  Stop reading.  Quit engaging the hateful thoughts.

Instead, I open my eyes to those around me.  I see goodness and I comment on it.

And the love and goodness always push the hate out.

Always. Love wins. Always.

*************

Don’t forget the giveaway/fundraiser with Bona Clara Skin Products I have going on.  Francesca is giving her commission to the victims of Sandy Hook.  Please consider purchasing something.  And of course enter the giveaway!  No purchase necessary for that!

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About Katie

Just a small town girl…wait no. That is a Journey song. Katie Sluiter is a small town girl, but she is far from living in a lonely world. She is a middle school English teacher, writer, mother, and wife. Life has thrown her a fair share of challenges, but her belief is that writing through them makes her stronger.

Comments

  1. TheNextMartha says:

    My one child was not a cute baby. And as for the rest, hugs.

  2. I get like that too once in a while. Work, kids, husband, life….. it all adds up and just sits on my shoulders like a weight that gets hard to bear. And it makes me cranky… and mean.

    You’re right. Love always wins.

    Thank you for writing this.

  3. YES.

  4. I tend to get ragey too. I finally found an outlet for it in kickboxing. Twice a week, I go to class and hit and kick and get all that pent up garbage out. I can’t even tell you how much good it does for my relationships. When I don’t get to go for a week, it becomes obvious in my interactions with others. My husband will even suggest that perhaps I should go kick boxes to feel better.

    It’s all about finding your place to relax. And I love the focusing on love. Because yes, love does win. Every. single. time.

    OH, random addendum to this comment. Last night when I was on FB, my husband looked over and saw me commenting on your FB status. He wanted to know who you were. I told him you were someone I knew thru twitter and your blog. That I even sent your babies presents. He said “um, don’t you feel like that was kind of weird?” I replied, “not a bit, blog family is still family.”

  5. My hubby gets the brunt of it around here, too. It has to come out somehow! I can relate to this, and I applaud you for your honesty. And bravo for your recognition of the toxicity.

  6. Yoga helps me. I find the rage engulfing me so often lately. It literally tears at me until I have to close my eyes against it, breathe, regroup (and still sometimes see myself typing, BITCH PLEASE; MY GAS IS CUT OFF, YOU AIN’T GOT IT HARD.) But I let it go. It’s hard. Really hard sometimes, but I do it. I let it go. And I give myself permission to have these thoughts, let them be fleeting, and then let them go. I also don’t begrudge you for their entering your mind (sometimes, I do think about leaving snide comments under another name even on sites I adore. Did I really just type that? I’m an undercover wannabe troll. Except I’m not. And I know you understand, so thanks.)

    It really is just the day to dayness of all of the…days.

  7. This was refreshing to read and know that it isn’t just me that gates ragey and mean and a reminder to stop and take a true look around and look for the love…

  8. Yes–those thoughts are from the devil. Keep your heart guarded on the Light and all will be well! 🙂

  9. Great post. Just yesterday I was talking to someone on Twitter about negativity and posts about parenting. There is a lot of negativity and perhaps what some would call bitching or complaining, but I wonder if these people have the space to breathe, reflect, and use that energy in a more positive way. That said, I don’t think positivity is always necessary or needed. Parenting is hard, life is hard, and sometimes social media is the only safe space to share these thoughts.
    Awesome, thanks for writing this. ;c)

  10. I don’t know what I love more – that picture or your words 🙂

  11. Simply amazing post Kate!!
    You are a very intuitive writer. So many of us feel this way. Xo

  12. I am there right now. Fed up beyond words at my sisters who are the meanest most jealous poor me people I have ever come across in my life. I am to the point that I will be grateful when my mom’s estate is done because I am seriously considering breaking the ties with them. I just cannot handle anymore stress and hatefulness. They are 55 years old and still throwing up about me being the baby and how much mom did for me and my family. Of course they fail to discuss all the money they got from her, and the fact that my spouse and I cared for her every day for the last 5 years of her life. Yeah that means nothing.. sometimes I just wish I could be as mean and hateful as they can. I wish I was an only child. I wish I had never been born. But today I wished something far worse that I didn’t put to written but the thought of it being just over ran through me. I hate when they push me there. When the only way to stop their hatred towards me in my life were if I were just gone forever. Ihate it.

  13. I find doing the opposite helps so much, too.

    Although if you Instagram yourself giving everyone the middle finger, I will totally join.

  14. Joel hears so many rants from me. He patiently listens to me go on about this or that and I’m sure he could care less. He never lets on though. He deserves a medal as well.

  15. Yes, exactly this! I get like this too. Between work, kids, school, home, and life, things just pile up and I get overwhelmed and tired. But if I tell myself to let it go, it’s so much better. You’re right, love wins. Always.

  16. Love and kindness, always.
    I get stabby and bitchy too, and I have to try really hard to not spew it online. I just rage internally, or to my husband. 🙂 And I never, ever take it out on the kids.
    Love wins.

  17. I’m so glad I’m not the only one..:)
    but I always say, LOVE. Just Love…and nothing else will breed contentment, and forgivness and soothe the need to stab things. (Most times)

    you say it well!!
    hope you know how much I adore you. xo

  18. Thanks for this reminder, Kate. I, too, struggle with that darkness in my mind. I have no idea where is comes from. I’m too afraid to vocalize it to anyone, so it sits on my heart and stews and deepens and darkens, and it scares me sometimes. But you’re right – the rage is not who we are. Thank you for being brave and honest, as always.

  19. I needed to read this! THANK YOU!!!!

  20. Hah, this is a great post. I’d love to see that Instagram post giving the world the middle finger! I think we all go through these types of thoughts on a daily basis, but it’s great to see it in print from others to confirm that is the case. Thanks for sharing.

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