the inseparable, separated

Since March 13 at about 9am, you have been with me almost constantly.

I can count on one had the number of full days you and I have been apart since then.

From the moment you were put in my arms, something was different.

You wanted me. YOU wanted ME.

And I wanted you to want me.

I was over-joyed with it.

And even though we were now two instead of one,

we stuck so close together, neither noticed the separation.

It wasn’t as if I couldn’t put you down.

You would have totally been content wherever you were.

But you were most cozy on me, and I was most relaxed by your closeness.

You fill in my cracked, broken places in a way nothing or no one else has been able to.

You are nothing like me.

Your personality is so relaxed and easy.

You sit back and watch the world with a knowing smirk.

You are slow to crabbiness and quick to smile.

Your coos are quiet and happy.

Your laughter is few but squawky.

You are stingy with the smiles.

But you are oh, so happy always.

You have been my partner the past 5.5 months.

We have gone everywhere together.

But this week I went back to work.

As much as I wanted to pop you in the moby wrap and take you with me,

that was impossible.

My arms felt empty.

I kept turning to talk to you in your bounce seat or saucer or bumbo next to me…

but you weren’t there.

When I went back to work after having Eddie, I felt immense guilt.

Going back to work after being home with you is smaller guilt (still there, but smaller), but immense emptiness.

My side kick is missing.

But I know that even though we are apart…

you’ve got someone with you who will always have your back.

And I happen to know that his momma taught him to be kind and loving.

*************

Find a quick little interview I did on Care.com about teaching my kids manners.ย  Or they teaching me.ย  Whatever.

Andย  my piece, Be An Irresistible Blogger syndicated on BlogHer today

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About Katie

Just a small town girl...wait no. That is a Journey song. Katie Sluiter is a small town girl, but she is far from living in a lonely world. She is a middle school English teacher, writer, mother, and wife. Life has thrown her a fair share of challenges, but her belief is that writing through them makes her stronger.

Comments

  1. very sweet ๐Ÿ™‚

  2. WAY TO MAKE ME CRY. Sheesh.

  3. KATIE! You are killing me…these words, these feelings that have been brewing for months now, since you first laid eyes on Charlie. You entered this journey with concern and worry, and yet this boy, this baby boy has shown you that moments can be beautiful, peaceful. Wonderful.

    I am crying and smiling at the same time…love to you. xoxo

  4. Oh my Mama heart just exploded and burst and shattered for you and Charlie. But yes, he’s with Eddie. And he’s going to do so good. And so are you. Believe that.

  5. Ahhhh!! I’m crying. I know the feeling. It’s sooo hard sometimes, but hopefully worth it…?
    You are awesome & I’m waiting for the blog post that updates on you going back & the anxiety & new meds etc, etc. *hint*hint*

  6. Awe–precious. Praying for a good transition–I’m sure this stage is HARD.

  7. Mamaintheburbs says

    I’m sure it’s hard to leave you children after being home for so long. I wish you a smooth transition! I hope the kids have fun in daycare laughing and playing with other kids. Good luck!

  8. {hugs} I love the pictures of y’all. Even when doing the right thing, it still can be so hard.

  9. Boy, do I know this. I feel like absolute crap today, sitting at a desk, doing something I don’t enjoy, don’t want to be doing. And my boy is in his first day of preschool. I keep wondering how he’s faring — is he angry, hurt, sad, crying for me? I am crying for him. It’ll get better, I know. Hell, I’m on #3 of doing this. It’ll get better for you too. Just remember we’re all here and some of us know precisely what you mean by the emptiness.

  10. Yep. Motherhood brings the very best and very hardest things to our lives.

    Cheers to the best parts.

  11. So sweet. I read your post on BlogHer today and loved it, so I wanted to come over here and check out your blog. Wonderful ๐Ÿ™‚ – Amy

  12. God speed, my blogger friend. You brought tears to my eyes with your beautiful thoughts, as usual. Thinking of you!

  13. Sweet. Made me tear up a little. ๐Ÿ™‚
    I got here by way of your Blogher post on irresistible blogs. That was good stuff too!

  14. That’s so sweet. You talk him up so much that I want him as my buddy. My girl does not like to cuddle at all.