ashamed of reality

Yeah, y’all know what it is
Sometimes you gotta push through all your obstacles nah mean
No matter what the options are
There is no lose, there is no fail
Let’s go

I’m  not ready to tell you what happened.

But it was bad.  Almost.  Which made it bad to me even if the bad that happened really didn’t happened, but almost happened.

I can’t type the words yet because then I will have to look back at the and it will be real.

And I am ashamed of that reality.

Seem like life go lighting speed
Slow it on down just to breathe
It’s cold outside, adjust your sleeve

Today I am navigating life a little more slowly.  A little more cautiously.

Each moment hits my skin and I allow it to sizzle through me.

I feel it wholly.

Since Friday I have felt even my blinks be more deliberate.

It’s like something shifted.

Heart made of stone and I can not cry
Hand on the glass I can feel the rain
You don’t want to fight and I feel your pain
But I gotta go hard / gotta go far
That don’t mean we gotta fall apart
I’m gonna stand, tall, for all of us

I met with my therapist and said the words out loud for the second time.

(the first was to Cort, without being able to look him in the face).

I knew nothing she said would help what almost happen be erased.

There was some reassurance.  I did not have a psychotic episode.

But there was frustration.  Sadness.  Grief.  Anger.

At what was and is and will probably always be part of my life.

Fate on the phone and they calling us
Came from the ground and we crawling up
You can feel it in ya fist when you ball it up

I have another appointment on Wednesday.

This time with a psychiatrist.

An evaluation is needed.

I hate this.

If the sky turns black – It don’t matter
We know the sun is coming up
Built so strong – it won’t shatter
We were born to run!

But yesterday Eddie gave me the best hugs.

And today Charlie nuzzled me until he fell asleep.

And Cort swatted my behind in the kitchen.

And Eddie made me laugh so hard with just being himself that I was a pile of tears.

And Charlie’s soft warm hands found my face with giggles and coos.

And Cort’s fart jokes made me chuckle in spite of myself.
Sky turn black – don’t matter
Built so strong – won’t shatter
We were born to ru-ru-run
We were born to ru-ru-run

I still hate it.

But I will be better.

I hate that I have to “get better”.

But I love that I will be better.

Because I am strong.

Even if I am broken.

Hand on the glass I can feel the rain
You don’t want to fight and I feel your pain
But I gotta go hard, gotta go far
That don’t mean we gotta fall apart

I’m gonna stand, tall, for all of us

Friday I wanted to give up.

Saturday and Sunday I wanted to pretend Friday didn’t happen.

Monday I wished I was someone else.

The rest of the week I slowed down to notice the light getting closer.

And feel the warmth spread over my face.
If the sky turns black – It don’t matter
We know the sun is coming up
Built so strong – it won’t shatter
We were born to run!

I am broken.

I am.

But slowly I am gathering the pieces.

*************

Lyrics by 7Lions from “Born 2 Run”

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About Katie

Just a small town girl...wait no. That is a Journey song. Katie Sluiter is a small town girl, but she is far from living in a lonely world. She is a middle school English teacher, writer, mother, and wife. Life has thrown her a fair share of challenges, but her belief is that writing through them makes her stronger.

Comments

  1. I don’t know where you are but still I know I’ve been there. The other side is there and it’s good.

    • thank you. I know I can get back to that other side. This time just rattled me because I thought I was in the clear. Sigh. I should know you’re NEVER in the clear with stupid depression.

  2. I admire you so much for being able to share this. Thinking of you and praying for your strength right now.

  3. There are no words. No “I understand”. No “It will get better”. Just I hope for you. I’ll pray for you. I’m happy for those good moments for you.

  4. I’ll keep you in my prayers. Hugs…

  5. I read and its like you are telling my story. I have three kiddos (5, 2 &10.5 months). There are days I feel like giving up, today was one of them.
    But that light somewhere at the end tells me to keep going.
    Praying that you find healing.

  6. You’re brave and strong. And you have three people who love you very, very much. Oh, also the rest of us on the Internets. You will be better. xo

  7. You are strong. So very strong.

    Sending you lots of love, hugs, positive thoughts and prayers.

    <3

    • It’s funny to me that you all see this strength. I do not feel it.

      But the love and hugs and positive thoughts and prayers? Oh I totally feel those.

      thank you.

  8. Thank you for sharing.

    I loved you before & I love you even more now.

    When you share these things, I realize you’re human like me. Maybe not too perfect & wonderful & popular to notice my existence.

    You’ll make it through this. You beat it before & you’ll beat it again.

    :::bIgHuGs:::

    • girl, you are making me blush hard in the midst of my struggles. I do not feel even remotely perfect…EVER. I am completely human. A broken human.

      And you are right. I will make it through.

      :::bIgHuGs::: received. 🙂

  9. You are such a strong and amazing woman, wife and mother.

    big hugs & prayers!!

    • thanks, Natalie. I will have to take your word on the strong and amazing since I don’t see either right now.

  10. I love you, Katie. Always. No matter what.

  11. Praying for you.

  12. Even if you can’t be whole, you gotta fake it for the sake of the boys. I know, that’s not easy all the time but it’s what you have to do.
    Take care, my Friend. m.

    • I know. Apparently I did a bang up job faking it Tuesday at a playdate because no one noticed. Except my best friend (I mean, it’s sort of her JOB to notice, right?). Other than the episode on Friday, Eddie has no idea.

      It’s what we do as parents. Fake it til we make it.

  13. thinking of you. you’re a strong woman. you’ve been here before. you will be better. you got this. 🙂

  14. You can do it. You will. We are here.

    Even those of us who maybe never comment…

  15. I love you. You are extraordinary. Your presence in the world is light and laughter and beauty and thinking of you makes me warm and happy.

    I will hold all of those things for you until you are ready to know them again.

  16. Mamaintheburbs says:

    I loved your honesty in this post. I’m also suffering from anxiety and depression and have gotten my meds increased to help me out. I think you are a strong and confident woman! You will get through this mess! Your family is the best therapy! And keep writing too bc that helps people like me. So thank you.

    • I will for SURE keep writing. It’s the best way for me to work through it. I talk to my husband and my therapist, but this is where I can get it out the way I want to.

      And you keep plugging away too, momma. WE CAN DO IT!

  17. It hurts me to know you are hurting like this. There’s nothing I can do to make it better, but know that I am here for you, my friend. You are an amazing woman, and I admire you. Sending you hugs and healing vibes.

  18. Such a beautiful post and so honest too. I’ve been struggling too lately, haven’t blogged about it because I feel so guilty considering this time around was so much easier. You’ve done better than me seeking help tho. And you will be fine, u strike me as a very strong and determined person. Stay that way.

    XxX

    • yes. this time around has been SO much easier for me too. I think that is why this episode hits me so hard. I wasn’t expecting it. I wasn’t prepared for it.

      Thank you friend. For being there.

      You will get through it too. Really. You did before, you will again.

      We will do it together.

  19. You may not know it, but I’m wrapping my arms around you from a far. Because you’re amazing and because you deserve love and happiness.

    Honestly.

    No matter what.

    You are you. And that is perfectly enough.

  20. Jessica Moyer-Groeneveld says:

    Katie you are in my thoughts and prayers! Many people face depression and anxiety and even though I never had it; I grew up with it all around me. I’ve seen what it can do to my loved ones and commend you for taking it head on because it can be scary! Sending hugs to you!

  21. For me, half the battle is taking the steps to talk about it, and to seek help. I’ll fester for months before I even try to do anything about what’s wrong.

    You’re seeking treatment, which is a big step in my eyes. And you’re willing to (mostly) talk about it, which is an even bigger step.

    • This one scared me so bad…but old Katie would have pushed it down and not said a word and hoped for it to not ever happen again.

      I know better this time.

      That can’t happen again.

  22. love you my friend. hope & prayers to you.

  23. Love, hugs, and strength to you, my friend. You can do this. You are strong.

    • I so do not feel strong. But history tells me I can make it, so I have to believe you all when you tell me I will.

  24. Mackenzie says:

    Proud of your honesty. Keep on keepin’ on mama. You are not alone. We got your back. Love you.

  25. Hang in there- I relate to the feelings you describe. Hope you are feeling better.

  26. Love you so much, Kate. I’m crying reading this just wishing I could reach through and hug you.

    You’re breaking the silence – and that is huge. You’ve already won a huge part of the battle right there.

    Love you!

  27. I want to reach through this page and give you a hug. I don’t know what happened but I know this feeling of being broken and needing fixing. I hope Wednesday comes with a plan to get back to you. Sending crazy amounts of warm thoughts and healing vibes <3

    • thanks, amber. Right now, I am dreading Wednesday. I would very much like to live in denial. The episode happened, no one got hurt, it’s over, I just want to forget it.

      but i know that is not the way to go about this thing. It will just get worse if I do that.

      So. Wednesday. Sigh.

  28. You are so brave just by sharing your struggles and working at it to make it better. Sending hugs and positive thoughts!!!

  29. big hugs & prayers for you friend.

  30. Positive thoughts coming your way. I’m sorry things are rough.

  31. Kate, please try to extend and allow yourself the same grace that you would if a friend were struggling. Be that same friend to yourself. Be kind to yourself. Remember that if you were struggling with any other type of difficulty, you wouldn’t blame yourself. So do not blame yourself for these.

    Hoping that this week brightens up for you and that your situation becomes easier to navigate.

    • tracey this is such excellent advice. it is. because you are right. if any one of my friends had this happen, I would be all over her to give herself grace, accept the love and help, and get better.

      I need to do that for myself.

      starting now.

      thank you for that permission.

  32. I can’t stand the common attitude that you “don’t really know” someone over the computer. In the two plus years I’ve been acquainted with you and Cort, I’ve felt every joy, pain, and whatever. I hope you’ve done the same with Deana and I.

    Every time I write about my anxiety disorder, I get at least 5 people who roll their eyes and think I’m being narcississtic. I think the non-mentally ill are arrogant if they believe you and I just start typing immediately everytime this crap rolls over us like a tidal wave.

    Writing this is what courage looks like in black and gray. Thank you for sharing. Know that your’re not alone and that you are cared about by just more than the 3 dudes you live with.

    Burson Nation

    • Oh Lance, you KNOW I have. I adore Burson Nation 🙂

      Thank you THANK YOU for being our “couple friends” even if it’s through the computer. IT STILL COUNTS!

      I adore the care you all give to us.

      And I cherish it. In my heart parts.

  33. Praying for you. 🙂 You will get through this. It will all be good.

  34. Been there. Been there. Been there. Am with you. And the best thing is that you have all the infrastructure in place so you know how to do this.

    And you are NOT broken.

    You were just coming a little unglued.

    But you caught it.

    You didn’t let it go too far.

    You identified something and you responded.

    I am so proud of you because too many of us try to swallow it, pretend we don’t feel it.

    And then bad things happen.

    So good for you, KT.

    I am here for you.

    So here.

    We all are.

    And your pieces are so lovely.

    Even when they are on the floor, soaking in your tears.

    LOVElove.

    • I AM broken. But not irreparably so.

      Enough that I will always have visible cracks, but hopefully…and I believe this to be true…those flaws will make my light reflect in a brighter, more scattered way.

      and maybe make me more beautiful?

      I hope.

      Love to you, friend.

  35. you can make it through anything. think of all that you’ve already been through. this is just a bump in the road that will soon become a distant memory.

    • you? have reminded me that I can do this.

      I mean, I know I can. But you put it simply. I’ve done worse.

      thank you for that reminder.

      i needed it.

  36. Katie, love to you. Don’t be ashamed. You can’t be over something you can’t control. You are taking action. You are an amazing mom. You have a husband who loves you to bits. And friends in the computer who care about you.

    You WILL be better.

    • Thank you, Jess. THANK YOU.

      You are right, I WILL be better.

      and on a TOTALLY inappropriate note, I first read your comment to say, “you have a husband who loves your tits,” and I thought, “well, true, but DANG that’s an inappropriate comment for this post.”

      BWHAHAHAHA!

      • Jess and Kate,
        I needed that laugh today. I almost peed myself.

        I have this one shirt that my husband goes bat-shit-crazy when I wear it. Apparently my “tits” are quite hot when I wear said shirt.

        Truth: I only wear this shirt when I have nothing else clean. I think I look fat and slutty in it. Since I don’t do laundry (yeah, that would be DH’s job), it’s a rare occurance.

  37. Sending prayers and hugs from Minnesota.

  38. praying.
    hoping.
    loving.
    you got this. you are strong, and remember, we are ALL broken.
    xo

  39. (((())))

  40. Sending you hugs and strength.

  41. There are moments when we feel we will not be one of the lucky ones, the ones we get better.

    THAT is the moment that the depression is talking.

    Yes, it will always be there, but you have community now, children, your family: ALL OF US.

    NEVER give up hope….to give up hope is to give. up.

    Remember my story, Katie, about my father: he gave up hope.

    Be the one who is different, Katie: cling to hope and know that the bad days will pop their head back up, but SO WILL THE GOOD.

    Yesterday I had a bad day…today I am realistic and will work for a good one: and we’re getting ready now to leave for the zoo.

    HAve a GOOD day, Katie: WE LOVE YOU.

    • My lovely friend, I will never be able to give up hope because you {and all the others here} will pick it up and return it to me. Even when I think I am done with it and have no use for it anymore.

      I will be different.

      I will be better.

      Today was a good day.

      I love you ALL back.

  42. Katie, I thank you for your honesty! I don’t know what you are going through, but I know where you’re at. I have been there, and I am currently in that boat right now. It takes such a strong women to put into words what’s on her heart and I respect you for the courage to share. The waves are a little choppy right now… please know it will get better. I Love you!

  43. Oh how sorry I am. But I promise it can get better, it will get better. You are such a beautiful and wonderful person and you’re getting the help you need. I promise you’re not alone.

  44. Darling, again, we are women and regardless of the airs we put on about our strength it is the simplest things that can break us. Do not have shame for having a point at which that happens. We all have them. We all fall short of our own self image. We cannot do it alone and shouldn’t try or have to. You have love and friends who are here for you, regardless of whether you are sweet sluiter or screw you sluiter. Hugs love and shining another light down here to let you know you are never alone. Never.

  45. “At any given moment you have the power to say this is not how the story is going to end”…a quote I read recently…possibly too simplistic, but it helps me. Take care of yourself.

  46. Sending prayers your way Katie. He knows and He loves you so very much 🙂

  47. I’m so very impressed by you. To share as you do and love as you do. I’m so sorry to hear that it’s a difficult time and I can’t say anything that another hasn’t already, but sending you my prayers and thoughts.

    • It astounds me that anyone can be impressed with me. no really. I am humbled by the words you {and others} have shared with me during this. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. I can feel them.

  48. You’re in my prayers mama. Hugs.

  49. You are so beautiful, so strong and so loved.

    I am here for you, we all are.

  50. <<>>> and more hugs.

  51. Please don’t be ashamed. You are an incredible person and mother. You have beat this before. You will kick its ass again. <3

  52. Oh, my sweet friend…how did I not see this? I am so sorry for what you are dealing with, SO very sorry. You are a great mom and a stronger person than you know. Sending a hug for you to break through and find the light.

    xoxo

    • Thanks, Sherri. Ah…getting this (and Nichole’s text) has made me all teary with gratitude for such friends. I am so lucky.

  53. You are such a courageous person. I can only dream of someday having 1 ounce of the strength you possess. Sending big hugs!!

    • Oh I do not feel even 1 ounce of courage right now. So that you you see it? Amazes me. Thank you for your hugs. I can feel them!

  54. So I texted you last night, but reading this again just stirs up really upsetting feelings. I had/have tears in my eyes and I’ve already read this. I love you! And so do lots of other people. And I empathize cause… been there, done that… probably still doing it. Depression sucks, but you don’t! Hang in there girl. xoxoxo And you know I’m not a hugger, but I’m sending hugs anyway.

    • I love you back, girl. SO MUCH. Thank you for your text. Thank you for this comment. Thank you for always being there even with all you have going on. I don’t hug either, but I will take them from you this time.

  55. Just catching up and checking in…you have a friend in me if you need an ear, a hug or a good cry. You will beat it…all of it! You are a good mama and you will rise above this!

  56. Just checking in, to tell you there IS an other side.

    There is not way around it, only through it.

    YOU WILL MAKE IT THROUGH.

    BELIEVE me, and BELIEVE what we tell you. Community will save you, ..

  57. So much love and hugs to you, friend. You are a fighter, and you will get through this.

  58. You are so strong for seeking help, and you are so strong for sharing this. You’re a fighter, and you’re going to make it through. There IS light at the end of this. (hugs)

  59. You are strong, brave & powerful. This is just another hurdle & another testing time. You’ve got this in the bag, but when the bag seems too heavy, full or overloaded you know we’re all here for you to lend a hand & even a cart if you need. This Demon doesn’t know who it’s dealing with – now there’s an Army to contend with & we’re ready for you & with you. Lots of love & strength your way Mama xoxoxo

  60. You can do this, and you will do this. You know that. Because you’ve been here before and you made it. Even if the before was a little different, you still know how to overcome. This can’t and won’t beat you, no matter what.

    Please know that I understand how strange it is to receive a diagnosis. For me, it was OCD, and I remember being so shocked. Thinking, how is this even possible? But the truth is I have it, AND I’m okay. You will be okay. I know it.

    Hugs and love,
    Katherine

  61. Thinking of you. I believe you can get through this. You are loved and you recognise that. That’s a big part of the battle.

  62. Hi Katie –
    I am so sorry to hear you are suffering, I really admire you. I don’t know you well, but we’ve chatted sometimes on twitter. I don’t have adequate words. I just want you to know I think you are terrific. Please don’t feel so bad..no other words. You & your family are so special.

  63. So I’m lost.
    And feeling like a dick hole for not being here for you.
    But I’m here now, with a giant fucking party hat, the ones with the two straws that hook up to beer cans….
    And I’m watching and cheering for you on the other side of the screen.
    I wish I could give you a hug.
    I’d even let you drink from my straw.
    I’d share your germs if it would make you smile.
    I’m sorry that you’re going through this.
    Much love and strength friend.
    xoxo

  64. Nothing to be ashamed of. You are doing the best you can. Hoping you find some answers soon. x

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