heart toxins

I have been on a happy high for a while now.

Yes, anxiety has crept in about things that seemed to come at me to quickly: my maternity leave being over and having to immediately get in my classroom and pack it up for a big move (I’ll blog more on that later), organizing childcare/daycare for both boys this month while I am busy in meetings that are required for work, a certain almost-three-year-old’s birthday party coming up in 19 days, deadlines for writing, and more.

But with Cort’s help (and the encouragement and offers of family and friends), I have gotten through those things fairly unscathed.

For the most part the past almost three months has been glorious.

That’s right.  I said, glorious.

Eddie can be trying–I mean he is at that age (more about that tomorrow)–but he has been so helpful and cute and just an awesome kid.  My heart has smiled so much with pride lately.

And Charlie?  Oh how that boy has healed all the depression and black clouds in my soul.  His smile, his smell, even his angry man cry that turns into a bit of a womanly scream when I am not quick enough with his next meal make me grin a big stupid mushy mom grin.

I can’t forget Cort in all of this.  That guy has done everything he can to help and encourage. And I would be lying if I said I didn’t get a goofy school-girl grin every time he calls me “pretty lady.”

Yup, my heart has been in a place it has not been in a very, VERY long time.

A happy place.

Yet there is the part of me that wishes for more of the churchin’ to fill up my soul too.  Because it does not escape me that I am blessed.  So very blessed.

So I have started lurking joining in with a community called #SheReadsTruth. It started as a couple gals I know reading the Bible together using the YouVersion Soul Detox program.  It’s a passage a day with a big small question or thinking point for your day.  I try to read it over my coffee first thing when I get up, but because a mad hungry baby is how I generally get waken up, it’s hard to be the FIRST thing I do.*

Tonight it was one of the last things I did for the day.

As I was reading tonight, I found myself nodding along with the parts about being who God created you to be.

Then I got to this:

“Bless your enemies; don’t curse them under your breath…Don’t hit back; discover the beauty in everyone…Don’t insist on getting even; that’s not for you to do.”  ~Romans 12: 14-19 from The Message

I know these things.  And I try to remember them when I am personally wronged.

Anyway, I closed out when I was done and popped over to facebook.

And that is when I saw something that made my heart hurt and my hands want to fly in rage over my keyboard.

“Friends” on facebook (doesn’t matter who they are, family or friends or acquaintances) who are VERY adamant about their Christianity posting ignorant, uninformed hate-filled political propaganda.

My gut reaction was to spew a diatribe about everything that was wrong with the post.  To pick apart each overly simplistic “claim” and announce why it is wrong…especially for people who claim to be living for Jesus, a man of LOVE…to post.  I wanted to rant about voter education and thinking about people as PEOPLE, not as statistics.

I wanted to tell them they were WRONG and HYPOCRITICAL.

But I didn’t.

I just stated that it made me sad. I did not let my hate for their hate compound what was already there.

But I was “curs[ing] them under [my] breath.”

Yes. I was.

It’s hard to give up the toxic thoughts.

Even when you feel like they are right.

My heart is full of love.

It bleeds for those who do not have the blessings I have.

I ache to be a light to people in their darkness.

And yet, even out of these good intentions, toxicity lingers.

I want love for this world so badly, that sometimes it takes the form of hate for that which is not love.

And that is sort of confusing.

This is what I know for sure:

I want my words to be positive.  I want them to be affirming. I don’t want to spread hate.

*************

*Yes, this is about my need for some Jesus in my life.  No, I am not going to post about Jesus exclusively from now on.  This isn’t a “Christianity Blog” just like it isn’t a “Miscarriage Blog” or a “PPD Blog”.  It’s a blog about me and my family.  And the Jesus stuff happens in our family.

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About Katie

Just a small town girl...wait no. That is a Journey song. Katie Sluiter is a small town girl, but she is far from living in a lonely world. She is a middle school English teacher, writer, mother, and wife. Life has thrown her a fair share of challenges, but her belief is that writing through them makes her stronger.

Comments

  1. Mad points to you for this one. My (mostly) pattern of not rising to the fight anymore isn’t based in any religion or belief. It’s because I’m just too plain tired to get into it…again…and again…and again…

    Maybe it’s that wisdom that supposedly comes with age (although I still FEEL young and stupid and probably act it a lot), but I’m realizing that there’s just some things not worth debating/arguing/defending because the person on the other side is not going to change. Rather, I try to just serve as an example that I’m not a heathen or a weirdo or trying to recruit kids (whatever the f**k that means) and eventually hope their hearts soften. Telling them why they’re wrong will never work, but showing them they are wrong and helping them connect with a situation and have a personal stake in it just might.

    Keep fighting the good fight…even if you have to curse under your breath every now and then. Then, hold your boys, teach them right and have a drink!

  2. I don’t get the hate vibe from you at all. So keep spreading the love, my friend.

    Also? I’m happy you’re in a happy place.

  3. Wow, this could not have come at a more perfect time. I’ve just been dealing with a couple ridiculously hateful “christians” on my facebook. I just keep having to take deep breaths and remind myself that ranting back at them will not help anything at all.

    So instead Joel has been hearing earfuls and getting all my rants (in a good way, he’s my sounding board). It keeps me from going crazy and writing things in public that I might later regret.

  4. First off, I’m so happy that you are in a happy place!!! I hope you stay there always! Secondly, I struggle with the love/toxity as well. It is so very hard to see someone who is claiming to be a Christian, put things out there that just have no correlation to the love of Christ. And yet, they feel like what they are saying is truth and “right.” my approach lately has been not to engage, but to pray for them. You, I, anyone who is a Christian struggles with how to be a light and show the love of Christ. All I can say is keep on keeping on and I believe somehow it will make a difference for someone.

  5. I’ve been reading your posts for weeks and not commenting, (Not because I don’t want to, but because I just can’t keep up) but with every word I’ve been holding you in my heart and so happy that your journey has been honest and good with Charlie, that your pictures show a family growing and bending and welcoming a new piece of their puzzle.

    the hate in our world scares me, the hypocrisy hurts my heart, the indifference and bigotry makes me want to scream in protest. We all need a little Jesus, or Buddha or Allah..because what we truly need is LOVE, more love and acceptance of each other and their journeys.

    I adore you for writing this, thank you.
    xo

  6. Ugh, not cursing people under your breath is just so much to ask. Especially when they’re asking for it. Which is the point at which my comment became a rather mixed metaphor. I’m sorry. But feel free to judge me for it. I don’t mind.

  7. This, I love, and you, in that happy place makes me smile.
    And the others, judgement day, it will come and it will kick their *sses 😉

  8. Wonderful post and so true. I’m not christian but I do use religion as part of my path to the divine and there is nothing in G-d that is hate. I haven’t been in the best place lately, trying to balance my meds, but I will say I have made an effort to stay out of debates that are fueled by hate and ignorance.

  9. I just got chills. Couldn’t agree more.

  10. Post about Jesus all you want. He’s pretty cool!
    m.

  11. Those last three sentences… just lovely. Christian or not, we need more of that in our world. I always like to say” if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all! You never know when it will come back and bite you in *ss.

  12. I can so relate to this post. I try and try to do things on my own but only end up struggling and feeling down but then I turn to God and let Him ‘drive for a while’ and I find happiness in my heart.

  13. happy that you are happy. love how our babies brought healing. we are soooo blessed!!!

  14. Well if alah was in this place and makes you happy then this is your place babe.
    We are all here because we love you and we know that you aren’t going to get all up in our grills about how Jesus is fabulous…but if you do that’s ok because it’s your space dear.
    I am not into Jesus but that doesn’t mean that I think that everyone shouldn’t be and I don’t judge you if you are into him.
    Fuck I’m rambling on like the angry trolls in my belly and making no sense.
    But I’m happy that you’re happy.
    That is what counts.

  15. So so happy for you that you have found this happy place. Doing a *Happy Dance* in your honor. Love that you are where you are. Congratulations on the arrival of little Charlie!

    Love, love, love this! One of my favorite posts that I’ve read in a long time. Maybe because I’ve been experiencing the same with a FB friends who are “Christian” spewing political propaganda, a lot of which is just misinformation. Just a few of them, but it makes me so mad because it is not like the love Jesus has for all and it gives other loving, sincere Christian/spiritual followers a bad name. I can take it personally because Jesus stuff happens in my family too.

    Love that you are making the decision to love and not hate. It so easy to go the “hate” route. You go, girl!

  16. I love the term “the Jesus stuff.”

    Somewhere along the way, I’ve been tagged as anti-religion . . . perhaps it’s what I spend my time doing every Sunday. I don’t know. But, I’m a firm believer that we’d all be far better off if we had more Christ in our lives.

    I’m quite thankful that you’re in a happy place.