I am unshowered at almost 2pm on a Thursday.
I have barely eaten anything, and only peed once since getting up this morning.
I have no make up on. In fact, I didn’t wash my face last night either, so maybe I have some smudged leftover eyeliner on.
I’m still in my jammies.
I could fall asleep if I wasn’t typing these words.
and I feel healed.
Because also in this moment there is a small gift snoozing on me. smiling in his sleep. frowning in his sleep. sighing. stretching.
we are draped with a blanket a knitting club from church made for him.
The TV is off and instead a mix I made for my ipod is playing softly from the kitchen while we take up resident in my chair in the livingroom.
and I feel healed.
It’s been 2 years since I wrote about my depression.
It’s been almost 3 years since I had a wee bundle in my arms.
Despite all that I have accomplished in the past three years, I still carry guilt and hurt in my heart that my experience with Eddie during his first year fell short of wonderful.
Had I been unshowered and idle under a sleeping baby on a beautiful sunny day three years ago? I would have cried the whole time. I would have felt incapacitated. I would have stored up anger and resentment in my heart and taken it out on Cort as soon as he walked through the door.
Today I could totally put the baby down.
I could do laundry and change sheets and scrub floors.
I could shower.
I could pack us up and run errands.
But I am choosing not to. I am choosing not to.
Colic is not choosing for me.
Depression is not choosing for me.
Anxiety is not choosing for me.
I am choosing for me.
In this moment, I am sniffing a baby head every few seconds.
I am closing my eyes and letting myself rest.
I am not feeling needed anywhere but right here.
I am managing my commitments.
I am staring at my baby…his tiny nose and fingers and toes and lashes.
In this moment…I am healed.
Don’t forget…one of the reasons I am thriving this time is because I am taking care of myself. I want to help YOU take care of yourself too, so enter my giveaway!