in this moment…i am healed

This moment…

I am unshowered at almost 2pm on a Thursday.

I have barely eaten anything, and only peed once since getting up this morning.

I have no make up on.  In fact, I didn’t wash my face last night either, so maybe I have some smudged leftover eyeliner on.

I’m still in my jammies.

I could fall asleep if I wasn’t typing these words.

and I feel healed.

Because also in this moment there is a small gift snoozing on me.  smiling in his sleep.  frowning in his sleep.  sighing. stretching.

we are draped with a blanket a knitting club from church made for him.

The TV is off and instead a mix I made for my ipod is playing softly from the kitchen while we take up resident in my chair in the livingroom.

and I feel healed.

It’s been 2 years since I wrote about my depression.

It’s been almost 3 years since I had a wee bundle in my arms.

Despite all that I have accomplished in the past three years, I still carry guilt and hurt in my heart that my experience with Eddie during his first year fell short of wonderful.

Had I been unshowered and idle under a sleeping baby on a beautiful sunny day three years ago?  I would have cried the whole time.  I would have felt incapacitated.  I would have stored up anger and resentment in my heart and taken it out on Cort as soon as he walked through the door.

But today?

Today I could totally put the baby down.

I could do laundry and change sheets and scrub floors.

I could shower.

I could pack us up and run errands.

But I am choosing not to.  I am choosing not to.

Colic is not choosing for me.

Depression is not choosing for me.

Anxiety is not choosing for me.

I am choosing for me.

In this moment, I am sniffing a baby head every few seconds.

I am closing my eyes and letting myself rest.

I am not feeling needed anywhere but right here.

I am managing my commitments.

I am staring at my baby…his tiny nose and fingers and toes and lashes.

In this moment…I am healed.

it's not glamorous, but there is no where else I would rather be.

 

Don’t forget…one of the reasons I am thriving this time is because I am taking care of myself.  I want to help YOU take care of yourself too, so enter my giveaway!

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About Katie

Just a small town girl...wait no. That is a Journey song. Katie Sluiter is a small town girl, but she is far from living in a lonely world. She is a middle school English teacher, writer, mother, and wife. Life has thrown her a fair share of challenges, but her belief is that writing through them makes her stronger.

Comments

  1. So happy for you Kate.

    So very happy.

    You make me want to reach through my computer and hug you.

    <3

  2. Love that you’re loving these moments. All is as it should be. xo

  3. Post partum is a horrible disease. I had it rough with my first one but my second nearly drove me crazy. By the time 3 came along I had to make a mental choice to be ok with not doing it all. Of course having a gall bladder going bad and being extremely sick. That is a beautiful picture, you have gorgeous eyes and Cort is adorable.

  4. What a beautiful “picture”!
    m.

  5. Good for you! This was inspirational. It’s hard to remember to stop and small the roses (or baby head) every once in a while. You have inspirede to do so today! Thank you.

  6. Tears are in my eyes. This is beautiful. I love the honesty. And I totally look like that most days. I so appreciate you sharing the truth of the beauty of motherhood.

  7. Beautiful. A beautiful post about a wonderful realization. Congratulations on being a great mom to two (wow!) and owning every part of it. Happy Mother’s Day!

  8. Beautiful post! I miss holding a baby 🙂 Happy Mother’s Day!

  9. Simply wonderful. I’m so happy for you, friend. xoxo

  10. This is exactly what I needed to hear, thank you. It’s so difficult to imagine that if I had another baby it could be different…

  11. isn’t it just so drastically different? i don’t remember the love bursting forth like this last time. i adore it.

  12. This is a beautiful post, Katie. One of my favorites from you. You have me all teary eyed over my lunch. Thank you for sharing.

  13. What a lovely post. I’m so happy that you’re happy.

  14. BOOM! This post is awesome. You are awesome!

  15. So happy you are finding more happiness and peace this time around. 🙂

  16. Rock it. (hugs) love you so much.

  17. This is so wonderful! I am so happy for you!!

  18. love love love!
    and he is so gorgeous….my uterus is now throbbing…I need to go look at the sharpie marks on my daughter’s walls to remind me I’m done..

  19. Do you know how happy this makes me?
    So very happy.
    I love you and your make-upless self.
    I want to hug your face off
    xoxo

  20. This possibly one of the best posts I have ever read. The guilt I am trying to overcome, the “I missed enjoying my baby moments” guilt is what has made me think I should only have one. You have reminded me it can be different, and that staying in PJs all day is a good thing, not one that should make me cry. Thank you.

  21. Love it. SO REFRESHING!

  22. As always, a beautiful post. Also one I can totally relate to this time around. I too am sniffing a tiny baby’s head today. Enjoy!
    XxX

  23. Sounds like the perfect day!

    That new baby smell is intoxicating, isn’t it?

  24. That is wonderful to here. I just started treatment for anxiety and depression recently. I had been doing wonderfully, but last few days have been a backslide. I just reached out to my doctor and will hopefully be back to my new normal in a couple of days. But this is a good reminder to get off my butt today an go give my kids a hug!

  25. What a beautiful moment you captured. I love watching babies sleep. So glad things are going well and you can make your own choices!!! 🙂

  26. After my first, I had PPD but didn’t recognize it. During my pregnancy with my second, it all clicked. In order to avoid it, I started on meds. But it wasn’t all butterflies and daisies. I developed anxiety induced OCD. I’ve battled hard. It’s been the most trying time of my life. Now my youngest is about to turn 3. We’ve teetered on the decision of having another baby. According to my psyc, a third child will nearly kill me. My OCD will probably get worse. I’ll need medication and monitoring from the get go, etc. She tried to talk me out of it.

    But this gives me hope. This gives me a reason to think it doesn’t have to happen again.

    I’m on meds now and I’m stable, who is to say it can’t stay that way? Plus, I’d always regret that mental illness robbed me of the family-of-five dream we have.

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