A Booty Story

So yesterday I found something that bothered me in Charlie’s diaper.

No, not poop.  That doesn’t even bother me anymore.  I have grown desensitized to poop (yes, I had to ask the twitters because my brain is so mushy I couldn’t even think of that word).

Actually, it wasn’t in his diaper, it was on his booty.

My baby’s tiny perfect booty had a nodule near it’s booty hole.  It was like a big zit, but red and inflamed and raw.

And I did what any mom would do.

I went to the facebook and the twitters.

Turns out, no.  Babies are not really apt to get hemorrhoids.

So then I thought it was perhaps athlete’s foot of the booty hole since it didn’t look like the yeast infections Eddie would get in his fat rolls when he was that little (yes, we have monistat in the house.  for my son).

But Cort, being the super dad he is, picked up a new tube of monistat and a tube of lotrim.  But when he got home, and I made him look at this son’s bootocks, he thought it looked more like an abscess or sore.  So I decided to call the doctor.

The nurse said that yes, absolutely, he should come in and to call again at 7am the next morning for a same-day appointment.

(side note:  While I really love our doctor and the office, I hate this policy.  At least when I am calling at almost 4pm.  That is almost the end of the day, why can’t you just give me an appointment for tomorrow when you KNOW I need to be there?  Annoying.)

Of course after I called, Charlie decided  he was pissed the world.  He cried and cried and cried for about an hour straight.

My mind decided it was because of his booty owie (even though the darn thing didn’t seem to bug him all day up to that point) and I started searching his body for other indications that he was sick.

This was a dumb choice.

By the time Cort and Eddie came home at 5pm, I had decided that my baby had something that was sure to be fatal.  I had found bumps everywhere (um, baby acne, anyone?), red spots (scratches from his razors talons finger nails that needed clipping), and I thought sure he had a rash on his eye (because the intense bawling didn’t have any effect on his eyes, right?).

A booty bump + bawling baby + sleep-deprived mother running on 42 contiguous minutes of sleep, 2 cookies and 2 cups of coffee total for the day, and no real shower = ridiculous anxiety driven conclusions.  Just picture me completely busted-looking standing on that Jump To Conclusions mat from the movie Office Space, but the mat has only cancer and death written for every conclusions.  Yeah. That was me yesterday.



This morning, after Charlie’s 6am feeding, I watched Sports Center sat and stared at nothing in particular until the clock said 7am and Cort and Ed had left the building.  I called, made a 10:30am appointment, and Charlie and I curled up on the couch and sacked back out.

By 10am, though, we were up, dressed, and ready to roll.

We were to see the Nurse Practitioner today since Charlie’s regular doc wasn’t in, which was fine because the NP is awesome.

But first we had to get through the nurse who takes all the vitals like head circumference (um, the issue is his BOOTY).  Then the questions started about his (our) health history.

The last question she asked me before leaving Charlie and me to wait for the NP? “And what kind of cancer did his grandpa have?”


That whole freaking out thing?  It started to happen in my head again.

Seriously?  Is that really something they needed to ask?  It’s all there in the computer under “health history.”  I know.  I had to fill it out for Eddie AND Charlie AND myself when we all came to this office.

So the NP comes in, listens to his heart, checks his booty.  Agrees that even though it looks better today, it’s good I came in.  Checks the rest of his body for rash (there is none, regardless of my panic attack the day before).

She announces she’s pretty sure it’s just a normal little thing that should go away on it’s own and to keep some Neosporin on it, but because of his age she wants to culture it just to be sure it’s not bacterial.

So she covers up his bits with the diaper and says she’ll be right back.

To me, “right back” means she has to grab the culture Q-tip thingy from a room possibly right next door.  “Right back” means, don’t bother putting his diaper all the way back on, I will be back in before the door completely closes.

This was not what “right back” meant.

So Charlie peed all over the exam table.

ALL OVER.  Like dripping down the sides, swimming in a pool of his own urine, all over.


I stood there a minute.


I grabbed his burp cloth from my diaper bag and laid it under him, and just then Mrs. Right Back was indeed back.

“Sorry, I had to go down the hall to…”

“He peed.  I”m so sorry.”

At least she laughed.  And then wrapped him in one of those sheet things that you spread over your lap when you’re about to get your lady bits looked at.

Eventually his booty was swabbed, a clean diaper and clothes put on, our co-pay paid, and we were on our way.

And yes, I did treat myself to a latte from Starbucks after all that.

About Katie

Just a small town girl...wait no. That is a Journey song. Katie Sluiter is a small town girl, but she is far from living in a lonely world. She is a middle school English teacher, writer, mother, and wife. Life has thrown her a fair share of challenges, but her belief is that writing through them makes her stronger.


  1. Oh, infants in doctors offices… Laura peed all over the fancy schmancy scale at a very early appointment. I laughed to the pee-covered really hot male nurse that she was just so excited to see him that day. I’m pretty sure babies pee in exam rooms all the time!

    • I’m sure they do too…but this was right after the NP told me today was a treat because she rarely gets to see the tiny babies. And then he peed on her parade. he he he.

  2. Julie @dutchbeingme says

    So glad it looks like Charlie is good to go! And I might have been laughing (out loud, in my office) when I read about him peeing all over the exam table. Ha!

    • yeah, i had to write this story so I could make sure to have it for all time. You know…for the dates he eventually brings home. isn’t that my job? To embarrass him?

  3. I love your blog… im sitting on the couch. 6 day old baby on my chest recovering from c~section. laughing at charlie peeing…. keep us updated on results.

  4. glad to hear that it’s most likely not a big deal, sorry it was such a taxing appt!

    • eh, other than me doing what i always do (over-react), it was pretty laid back. Charlie handles these things easily. I? do not. 🙂

  5. Um, you earned that latte, so it wasn’t really a treat…I say you have another one tomorrow as a treat 🙂

  6. Hmm sounds like he may simply have a clogged hair follicle. lotions and the like can get embedded in sweat glands and cause those.. hoping it all comes back okay, though I am sure it will. Yeah my boys were the prolific pee-ers in the docs office without fail.

  7. I totally thought that after I had my first child and was about to have my second that I would freak out over simple stuff again. So wrong. It must be evolutionary because I still do exactly what you described for anything that happens. That’s what us mommas are for: freak outs!

  8. So happy to hear everything is fine. Better safe than sorry with those sorts of things.

  9. My husband & I took our twin girls for their 2w appointment and had something similar happen. He had just set Leia on the scale & the nurse said diaper off. She sprayed. Like baby boy spray & I couldn’t stop laughing. All over herself (face too), the scale, the nurse & hubby. She can still spray like that & she’s almost 3. Potty training is awful. She leans back on the potty & yep. You can imagine.

  10. When Freddie was about 6 weeks old I noticed a black something in his ear while I was nursing him. At first I thought he had a tick – that scared the crap out of me and made me feel like mother of the year. In the end it turned out to be a juvenille xanthogranuloma. Which is really just a benign lump. However, leading up to it being removed…I was a wreck about it. Constantly over analyzing, diagnosing…ridiculous really. Apparently it’s pretty common and not at all dangerous…but they don’t tell you that in the 3 weeks you’re having it looked at and checked and watched.

    So my point is…you acted exactly like you’re supposed to. At least that’s what my doctor told me…and I big puffy heart LOVE her, so what she says is gospel 🙂

    • That is JUST what our NP said…I acted just as a concerned mother should. Phew! I thought for sure my “over” reacting was over after #1. And it’s true I don’t spaz about as many things, but sores and lumps are scary things!