things I can’t…or won’t…say

hospital rooms are safe.
secure
quiet and warm.

restful days
snuggly evenings
sleep-filled nights.

Going home was exciting.
the couch felt good.
my own blankets felt soft.

the first nap
best sleep ever.

then the tears came

fast and hard

Eddie is not small anymore

(the tears, they lie)

He doesn’t need you.

You missed his whole childhood.

It’s going by faster than you can see.

blurring

blurring

blurring

(the tears, they flow)

Charlie will be 6 months old when you go back to work

he will be so big

you are going to miss it

it will be the same as with Eddie.

What is wrong with you?

(the tears, they deaden)

When I am not crying, I am nothing.

Who am I?

What does happy feel like?

Who is Katie?

What is fun?

(the tears, they are a release from the robot-self)

disconnect

decompress

relax

recover

but
but
but

it’s so hard

the thoughts and feelings whirl

and then the tears come

take a breath

words from friends:
grieve the differences
soak in the now
feel your feelings
know it will pass

you are NOT alone

let it be

a visit from a friend
laughing
a glimpse at myself if only for a couple seconds
and then a few more seconds

and a sense of calm washes over

for now.

things are not easy this time.

but they are better.

and they will be better.

because I won’t let them not be.

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About Katie

Just a small town girl...wait no. That is a Journey song. Katie Sluiter is a small town girl, but she is far from living in a lonely world. She is a middle school English teacher, writer, mother, and wife. Life has thrown her a fair share of challenges, but her belief is that writing through them makes her stronger.

Comments

  1. Love you muchly. <3

    I hope, hope, hope the days get brighter and brighter.

  2. I remember those feelings as though it were yesterday. Very powerful post Katie. Take care of yourself as much as you can. It will get better, you will make it better. Hang in there.

  3. Very powerful. I hope that you are feeling better soon, and getting the love and support you need.

  4. Thinking of you, mama. You know you have a world of supporters right across the wires,

    Much love and many hugs.

  5. You’re right, things will get better, they just have to. Sending you much love in the mean time.

  6. I admire your strength in sharing something that is so painful. Breath those beautiful boys in as much as you can, but cut yourself some slack and give yourself time. Transitioning from one to two is a game changer. It’s harder to adjust to, in my opinion, than having your first.
    Real life goes in slow motion sometimes. The days blend together when you’re raising kids until one day you’re looking back and are hit with how fast it has really gone. It’s easy to fall into that trap of guilt – that maybe you’ve missed some of it…but the reality is that you do the very best you can to balance everything in a way that is healthy for each member of your family and that is a wonderful way to parent.
    Just a reader, you obviously don’t know me…but I’ve thought about your family over the past few days and hoped for joy strength and contentment for all of you.

  7. You are so brave to share and acknowledge all of these difficult feelings. And thank goodness you know what to look for and have some coping strategies under your belt. HUGS.

  8. Oh it is so hard. I’ve been back to work for almost a year and my little one is almost 15 months old. I feel like I am constantly missing everything and my mommy guilt can get overwhelming. That said – when I’m around all he wants is his Mommy so I must be doing something right!

  9. I LOVE this! Thanks for your willingness to always share your deepest thoughts. And so beautifully said.

  10. Beautiful post. It brought tears to my eyes. I hope things look brighter soon. Thank you for sharing.

  11. First, I love you. Second, I’m here for you.

    Cry if you need to cry and laugh when you need to laugh. And when you need to just be? BE. And remember that this? This is not forever. Forever is a long, long time. This is just a season.

    Your boys love you, Kate. And so do I.

  12. There’s not a single thing any one person can say to make you feel better, I know because I’ve been there. I’m still there. Just know we’re out here cheering you on. If it takes a skype session from all of us singing Peal Jam songs, so be it. Don’t be afraid to ask for help or to accept it when it’s offered. Soak in the new baby smell as long as possible and let Eddie help as much as your patience allows. You’re going to be okay.

  13. Brave, YOU are very brave to write this & share your innermost thoughts with us. I just want you to know that like Miranda said above, this is a season, and it too shall pass! I felt the very same way when I brought my second baby home. My oldest is 14 today and there is SO much more to look forward to and enjoy! Yes, they grow up a little too fast, but you are their Mama and you ARE there for them and they love you like no one else, above all else! Hang in there, I am praying for you and hope the sun shines again for you real soon! {hugs}

  14. You are in my thoughts and prayers, Mama. . .

    You are strong. You have an awesome support system. You WILL get through this.

    <3

  15. the poem was beautiful, heartfelt, reaching….and I felt every word with you.

    we are not going anywhere…right here, for you, listening, being quiet, whatever you need.

    And CELEBRATING Charlie’s arrival with you too my sweet friend.

    sending you as much LOVE as your heart can hold. <3
    xo

  16. I love this post. I love the honesty and the determination that this hard place is only temporary. I am so sorry you are going through this and so proud of you for sharing these extraordinary words.

  17. Sending so much love. The advice was good. Acknowledge the hurt, accept the help, one little moment at a time.

  18. Very deep and powerful post. It’s comforting to know that you recognize when you are there, how you are feeling and that you are sharing. 🙂
    Stopping in from PYHO.

  19. Normal. Everything you feel is normal and okay. It will get better I promise.

  20. I think one of the best things we can do for ourselves is be honest – when we acknowledge how we are feeling, thinking, and being then we can tackle it head on….discover who we truly are and who we truly want to be. We can’t hide in the expected but be fearless in the unexpected. Loved your post today and hugs to you and your family.

  21. Hang in there. For me, the second time is different in so many ways. Harder, in some. Easier, in others.

    We’re still adapting, three and a half months later.

    And congratulations on a beautiful, amazing baby.

  22. No advice. No judgment.

    But I am here.

    (just wanted you to know.)

  23. WAIT!!!

    Also, love.

    Love love love.

    (but I didn’t want you to think I’m trying to make it better, you know?)

    Just love.

  24. one is so hard i can’t even imagine how hard it would be with two, but i know you can get through this, you are strong and there is a light at the end of your tunnel. good luck mama. xoxo

  25. You say the word and i will hop in my car with Chunky in tow and drive across the ditch and bring you cookies.
    I’m serious.
    You’re not alone love. Never.
    You got this.
    I’m always here for you ok
    love you

  26. You”re DAMMED right you’re not alone. Not, NOT, NOT!!!! Sending much love your way. This time is hard. We will hold your hands through it. Hug.

  27. Such a transition to have another baby at home!

    Hang in there. xo

  28. The fog will lift and your family will develop a new rhythm that is just right. Sending hugs!

  29. Oh honey, you just have to take it day by day. It’s hard but there is SO much good too. I know you know this but still, it must be said. Thinking of you and putting my “virtual” arms around you. xo

  30. Thank you for sharing your heart with us, Katie.