it’s not happening

Monday Charlie was a tad clingy and sobby.

I couldn’t put him down long enough to pee without his bursting into tears and wanting to be picked up.

When Cort and Eddie got home just after 5pm, I was still in my jammies with my bathrobe on (complete with spit up all down the one side) completely not showered.

The pony tail I threw in my hair was barely holding on, and all the bobby pins I used were doing nothing except making me attractive to magnets.

I was greasy, smelly, tired, and frustrated.

But I was not angry.

I did not feel like throwing Charlie at Cort when he walked through the door.

I was not a crying mess.

It was just a hard day.

That was all.

*************

Yesterday was my birthday.

Normally I like my whole entire day to be special.

Charlie did not know it was my birthday.  He ate and slept and pooped and spit up as if it was any other day.

And I was totally Ok with it.

I did not get sad about not going out that night.

I was not angry that no flowers or balloons or big surprises didn’t happen.

I had a quiet “normal” day at home with my newborn.

It wasn’t my most memorable birthday, but it was lovely.

It was simple.

And I was Ok.

*************

Today I was finally cleared to use stairs and to drive.

I haven’t driven my car since Friday, March 9.  I was ready to leave. the. house.

So I made a Target list.

Cort put the carrier base in my car.

And after lunch, Charlie and I loaded up and headed out.

I did not go back and forth about whether or not I should take the baby out.

I didn’t worry that he would cry in the store.

I wasn’t concerned about being alone out in the world with him without “back up”.

I just went.

We shopped like normal people.

We went through the Starbucks drive thru.

We came home.

Without incident.

And without my melting down with anxiety.

*************

Tonight Cort had class.

I did not call my mom to come “help”.

I made both boys their dinner and then I ate mine.

I put both boys in their baths.

I got both boys in jammies.

I read books to both of my boys all cuddled on the couch.

And when Cort came home around Eddie’s bedtime, we were Ok sitting on the couch while Charlie slept in my arms and Eddie played a matching game on my Nook.

It was a quiet night with no toddler tantrums, no baby freak outs other than being cold after bath, and no mommy meltdowns.

I didn’t even worry about being home “without back up” with two boys.

I just did it.

*************

To some of you, this is the most humdrum post I have ever posted.

To me, it is the most victorious post that I have posted in a long freaking time.

To some, this is what being a mom is.  It’s a no brainer.

To me, this “ease” came hard.  There were so many bumps in the road.

Being “normal” was not “normal” for me.

I am fully aware that there will be more days of “not good,” and I know that I will cry and melt down about mom stuff.

But right now, the crippling anxiety that keeps me locked in the house watching the world from my window is not happening.

The depression that causes me to shove babies in my husband’s arms so I can cry and sleep away my feelings is not happening.

It’s only been two weeks.

But I remain cautiously optimistic that this time, PPD and PPA WILL NOT HAPPEN.

But just in case, I am sleeping with a baseball bat.

Because neither one of them is welcome in this house.

right, guys?

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About Katie

Just a small town girl...wait no. That is a Journey song. Katie Sluiter is a small town girl, but she is far from living in a lonely world. She is a middle school English teacher, writer, mother, and wife. Life has thrown her a fair share of challenges, but her belief is that writing through them makes her stronger.

Comments

  1. Cheering you on from the frosty North and so very happy to hear all of this.

  2. I could write a novel in response to this post. Let me just say that I’ve been there, where you are, and I’m so happy to hear the relief in your words.
    Each child is different. So with each child, a new mother is born : )

  3. YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is awesome. So happy for you. Gosh, the way you write, it sounds like me. I think I probably had PPD with my first and had no clue. I think I even had it with my second. I just attributed my feelings/anxiety/depression to being married to a busy pastor who was gone a lot of evenings while we also lived 2500 miles from any family.You make me feel like I wasn’t crazy. I do feel sad, though, because I honestly can hardly remember when my first 2 were babies. I was simply in “survival mode”. Because of that, I enjoyed my third baby so much more. I have a better bond with him than I did with my other 2. That makes me sad. But it also makes me happy that all 3 of my kids seem to be turning out just great, in spite of me. Thanks for sharing!

  4. I am so happy to read this. My son Porter will be three in about just as many weeks and I’ve got The Baby Fever. Bad. I want another baby, but the timing isn’t right…and I’m so worried that the PPD will come back. I am very inspired by your post. I was also the new mom who was terrified to leave the house just me and baby. I was so anxious I couldn’t sleep. I too couldn’t handle being home without “backup.” I’m so glad to know that you are taking it day by day and making it through. You really do give me hope! I wish you many more “humdrum” days and nights!

  5. Yay! This post makes my heart grow. I’m so happy for you my friend

  6. I am so happy for you. I read your description of you day with a quiet ‘aaahhhh’ because that’s what every survivor of PPD/PPA hopes for. Enjoy your boys, they sure are cute!

  7. If i were blogging when I had #2 I would have written something exactly like this. It was almost a surprise that I didn’t get PPD again… and I STILL have the baseball bat next to my bed! No, really…. 😉

    ((((YOU))))

  8. Doing a happy dance right now for you 🙂 Whoot!

  9. I hear it in your words, loud and clear…YOU are in control now, and it’s a good thing. There will be hard days, easier days, and boring days…but these are YOUR days.

  10. I’m one of those that know exactly how you feel!!

    I’m jumping for joy and so happy for you. So many reasons; you NOT experiencing PPD or PPA right now, you knowing that if it does happen, you are ready to battle, you getting to experience the calm and contentment of a “normal” new mom…

    I could probably go on and on…oopsie!

    You go, girl!!

  11. I’m so happy to read this. You deserve all the happiness in the world.

  12. You must feel so empowered! I’m so happy for you. 🙂

    Marie

  13. This is the most awesome post I have read in a long time! 🙂

  14. This is awesome. I am SO unbelievably happy for you. You have given me hope for if I have another child.

  15. I got all teary reading this, I wanted to just hug you and revel in the VICTORY of a day out, a Target run, a night of “NORMAL STUFF”. While I never had PPD, I do have “mothering moments” of Chaos and OMG I need some help!!!! and the infertility made me vulnerable in all kinds of other ways, thinking “Do I deserve this over someone else?” “How did I get so lucky?”

    so I know, that when a moment comes and you see that the LIGHT at the end of the tunnel is in fact a LIGHT, a new beginning, a new NORMAL that it’s a day of celebration.

    I’m celebrating with you from here my friend. xoxo

  16. Yay, go you!!

  17. YES!!!!!!!!!! So proud of you! So happy for you!!!

  18. Oh Katie, I am SO SO SO happy for you. And happy belated birthday, as well!!! We (your online community) will be a secondary baseball bat if you need us… but here’s hoping you won’t! 🙂

  19. Very glad it is not happening this time and yeah for being optimistic!

  20. So happy for you! You are rocking this mom of two thing 🙂

  21. That’s fantastic. I will keep my fingers crossed that things will continue on this positive note. As a mom of three things can get over-whelming on a normal day I couldn’t even imagine what it would be like to have to deal with PPD/PPA. So, yay for you and your cute little family!!!! 🙂

  22. I like this post, and I have liked Cort’s shirts in the last few pics 🙂 I am coming to the mitten next week and can’t wait!

  23. Wonderful post! I’m so happy for you.

  24. This is my absolute, 100% bestest favoritest most awesomest post you’ve ever done. I’m so so happy for you and SO proud of how far you’ve come. Hugs!!

  25. This gives others hope knowing women do have more children after battling a ppmd. I wasn’t so sure I would ever have more children after going through ppa/ppocd but I do have hope and am so glad moms like you speak out about it 🙂

  26. I did not find this boring or hum drum at all.
    In fact, my heart was singing for you through every word.

    Keep the faith, mama.
    And the baseball bat.

    You’ve already got those three precious boys.
    And my love.

  27. Love.
    This isn’t hum drum.
    Not at all.
    I completely get it.
    Wish I didn’t.
    Go on with your bad self.
    You deserve this…hum drum and all.
    xoox

  28. Wonderful post!! SO happy for you that it’s staying away.. and praying it continues to stay away!

  29. awesome news! glad to hear you’re feeling normal-ish.

  30. Holy crap! I was emailing you and it was your birthday! I had no idea! Happy belated birthday!

    So happy that Charlie has a dreamy temperment — so far.

    Keep those expectations low lest life kick you in the arse.

    And just so you know, I think you had PTSD after Eddie. I know I did. (Now.)

    You are waiting for that other shoe to drop.

    *raising my cyber-glass of Canada Dry Ginger Ale*

    Here’s to no falling shoes!

  31. I’m shooting out flames of happiness after reading this. So damn happy for you. Also proud of you because I know how much you put into your healing after Eddie was born and now you and Cort and your beautiful, amazing boys are soaking in the results of the work you have done.

    You and me? We’re going to give the whole internet diabetes with the spouting of the sugary sweet happiness. I’m OK with that. You?

  32. I am SO happy for you! Enjoy the good moments and love that sweet family of yours! You Rock!!

  33. This post makes me so happy. It sounds like you are doing exactly what you need to be, taking things one day (one moment) at a time. Keep it up, mama. xoxo

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