it’s 3am and i’m hilarious

Charlie is a pretty scheduled little guy.

He eats 3 oz every 3 hours almost to the minute.

This means after we get him to sleep after his 9pm feeding, I try to get my booty in bed and will myself to sleep so I can get about two solid hours before he needs to eat again at midnight.

I’m usually pretty alert at midnight.  I mean, to me, 12am is not an obscene hour and I’ve just had a refreshing 90 minutes or so of sleep.  Shoot, I’m a new woman at midnight!

Of course, it’s not just eat and then sleep.

There is the diaper change, and then the 20 or so minutes of cuddling back to sleep.  But if he is up at midnight, I am generally back in bed by 1am.

It’s the 3am feeding the kicks me in the bootocks.

I tend to stumble out of bed, put on my robe, pee, wash hands, get the boy, make a bottle…

Ok, I assume this is what I do.

3am is honestly so fuzzy and auto-pilot-y that I can’t tell you with confidence that I do all these things.  Although the bottle gets recorded, so I must do that.

I have to work at staying awake while feeding the wee one at that time of the night.

So I think about this blog.

Last night it occurred to me–hilariously–that Charlie was basically just like a 98 year old man.

I started chucking at the list I was mentally making:

He sucks on his gums like he expects to find teeth there.  Constantly.

He looks at me as if I am speaking gibberish and then only responds when I give him food.

He interrupts me when I am talking to him.

He farts loudly and doesn’t seem to realize he made the sound.

He shouts disapprovingly at people as they walk in and out of his line of vision.

I think I saw him give visitors the finger the other day…while everyone pretended it wasn’t really happening.

He poops his pants in the middle of a conversation.

He is demanding.

He has no use for the latest technology and doesn’t care what is going on in the news.  But he does like to nap to the sound of a baseball game.

He’s balding.

He falls asleep while I am talking to him.

People?  I was laughing so hard at this sorry list last night that I was almost crying.

Of course, it was 3am.

I am hilarious at 3am.

To myself.

Charlie’s take on my ideas?  Well, he just pooped his pants and fell asleep.

Of course.

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About Katie

Just a small town girl...wait no. That is a Journey song. Katie Sluiter is a small town girl, but she is far from living in a lonely world. She is a middle school English teacher, writer, mother, and wife. Life has thrown her a fair share of challenges, but her belief is that writing through them makes her stronger.

Comments

  1. Ah the circle of life. Babies and old folks are so close and so far away. I actually miss that time with my babies thinking and giggling and then sleeping again. Because there is nothing funny when violet gets up at 2 am every night. Enjoy your cuddles and keep sharing the hilarity. It’s priceless!

  2. I love it!

  3. Amazing what we think up when we’re sleep deprived? It’s totally true though. And they even come OUT looking like little old men… or aliens. Well, at least mine did.

  4. Great post!!! I laughed so hard I had to run to the bathroom to pee!

  5. OH, this is great. I’m laughing so hard I’m almost falling off my chair. You ARE hilarious at 3 a.m.!

  6. BUAHAHAHAHA!!! I’ll think about you and smile when I’m awake at 3AM tonight with mine. Excellent!

  7. I think you are definitely hilarious at 3am. Babies really are like little old men. Hahaha!

  8. See, I think that I am funny at all hours of the day. 😉

    And I SO remember that 3am auto hour. It was so hard for me too.

  9. Of course! The middle of the night feedings used to do me in too. Midnight I was good. But 4? Nope. I was also rather unhilarious.

  10. I agree, you are absolutely hilarious at 3 am!

  11. He he he…yes, you are hilarious at 3 AM. Will we get more of these funny posts??? I for one think it would be awesome… I like a good laugh!!! Have a great weekend.

  12. So. Funny. Been there, hallucinated that.

  13. quite hilarious…even if Charlie doesn’t appreciate your humor!

  14. I write blog posts in my sleep every single night. I’m a damn amazing writer, and nobody knows it. But honestly, I totally get it. I understand….

    And your baby is super poopey funny…

  15. Hilarious and majorly sleep deprived?