being ready

Dear Charlie,

In just five weeks it will be the eve of your birth.

I have many emotions swirling around in my head and heart when I think about the closeness of your arrival.

I get nervous stomach and sweaty palms from excitement and anxiety.

I have been replaying Eddie’s birth over and over in my head as I prepare to go under the knife again for you.  Eddie’s c-section  was an emergency.  I had been awake for over 24 hours and had been in labor most of that time.  I was exhausted and hardly knew what was going on.

With you, I have an appointment for the morning of March 13.  I will be able to shower, put on some comfy clothes, do my hair and light make-up, and walk into my room in the hospital.

I’m not nervous…but I am.

I mean, it’s surgery.  I think anyone who is going to go in to be cut open is a little bit nervous.

But I know what it’s like, so that helps.

As of this weekend, to distract my nerves and anxiety, I have been consumed with doing things around the house.  The problem?  I really can’t do any of the things I want to do.  This week we get carpet in Eddie’s new room and daddy will put together Eddie’s furniture, which means this weekend I can start to put Eddie’s books and toys and clothes away.

I have piles of stuff for you that I want to wash and put away, but I have to wait until Eddie’s stuff is put away first.

And lately other things have distracted me.  I think I have made mental lists of “stuff” I want to do/purge in every room of our house.

I wonder if this is what nesting feels like.

I never felt this way when I was pregnant with Eddie.  Daddy kept waiting for it to happen, but I just got more and more tired.

This time, I feel like cleaning things and organizing and purging.

I need to open up space for us to grow and be comfortable.

Right now I feel cluttered.

My mind, our house, my emotions…all cluttered.

Perhaps you have noticed that I have been trying to show Eddie a little extra love and attention lately.   To be honest, I have been afraid that he will feel left out once you are here.

You don’t know this yet, but you take up a lot of time and attention.  Time and attention that Eddie is used to completely having.

I know he won’t remember any of this. I don’t remember Uncle Chris being born and we are exactly the same age spread as you and Eddie.

But he knows what is happening NOW.  He has feelings NOW.

Up until you are born, Eddie’s place in this family is the only child.

That is going to change, but it will be even better.

He will get to add Big Brother and Oldest to his roles.

And you will be Little Brother and Youngest.

Our hearts and love will expand to encompass both of you in a completely new way that we can’t imagine yet.

I think not being able to imagine or understand is what makes my hands clammy and brings the nerves to my tummy.

But my heart knows it to be true.

I know they say to enjoy the pregnancy because it is so much easier to care for the baby when he is on the inside rather than when he is on the outside.

But I am ready for you to be here.

I am ready to lose sleep in order to feed and care for you.

I am ready to relearn feeding schedules and sleep schedules.

I am ready for giving warm baths in the infant tub and wrapping you up like a little burrito.

I am ready to fall asleep on the couch with you wrapped up tight next to me.

I am ready for Eddie and daddy to fall in love with you the way I already have.

I am ready.

Five more weeks.

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About Katie

Just a small town girl...wait no. That is a Journey song. Katie Sluiter is a small town girl, but she is far from living in a lonely world. She is a middle school English teacher, writer, mother, and wife. Life has thrown her a fair share of challenges, but her belief is that writing through them makes her stronger.

Comments

  1. Speaking from experience a scheduled c/s is WAAAAAAAAY different than an emergency one. It was like checking into a resort. I kept asking questions…you mean you don’t have to strap my arms down this time? we can REALLY take a camera in there with us? The recovery is a whole hell of a lot easier too!

    Good luck with it all!

  2. Awwww, I am tearing up. You’re almost there now. You will love having a new little burrito 🙂

  3. I agree with Robbie. The scheduled c-section is way different and WAY weirder. Surreal almost. The emergency and urgency of the first one made it fly by. The scheduled one seems to go in slow motion. You walk in, sit yourself up on the table and wait. I remember my doctor was chatting away with the nurses and telling them about how he’d just bought himself an iPad. It was so very relaxed.

    Wishing you luck in 5 weeks!

  4. The burrito! The naps! The sweet baby breath & tiny sighs!

    This is so beautiful. One day Charlie is going to love reading your letter.

    I had a repeat C-section after my first emergency C-section and it was so much better. Totally relaxed atmosphere. No rushing around with accompanying craziness. (I really think this is why my 2nd baby was such a chill little sweet pea.) The recovery was much faster, too. You know what to expect and your body remembers how to protect the incision.

    I hope as every day gets closer to Charlie’s arrival your heart it filled with more and more peace and love.

  5. So excited for you!! I also understand the what ifs that go a’swirlin around in your head, especially thinking about surgery when you already have a baby at home who needs you. I’m 8 weeks out from the arrival of baby #3, so I’m right on your heels.

    Nothing makes you panic like trying to fit 5 people in a house designed for 4. Ack!!

  6. i remember very clearly those last weeks when you just want to get everything DONE but you can’t. try to relax and know that it will get done. Enjoy these last days of Charlie inside you. it’s such a sweet miracle. So excited to “meet” him and see how he turns your family upside down – in the best way possible! 🙂

  7. Katie – I know exactly how you feel! And I know you (and Edfie) are going to rock this!

  8. In my experience…and I know everyone’s experiences are different…but, my 2nd c-section was way easier than my first. And the first wasn’t all that bad. I was so worried about the recovery with a toddler, but I recovered much quicker the second time.

    Also, I won’t lie, it was so hard at first not giving my oldest all the attention (mine are about the same distance apart as yours will be…Ainsley was July 2007 and Freddie was March 2010) I cried so much about it. But now I look at the two of them, 2 years later and oh my goodness! There is so much love between them. They are each other’s favorite people. I’m so glad they have each other and can’t imagine it any other way.

    So excited for you and Cort and Eddie…and Charlie! He’s going to be part of a super family.

  9. Five more weeks… man that went fast. You are so ready!! I’m excited for you. xoxo

  10. I am ready tok Charlie.
    Auntie Kim from Canada can’t wait to meet you.
    Your Momma has a wonderful plan. She’s going to be a rockstar in March. She’s going to love on you so much.
    You’re going to have one kick ass time in the house of Sluiter.
    Ps. I heard that while watching T.V it’s pants optional.

  11. Such a great post, Katie. I felt bad for Duffy, because, when the nesting bug hit, she had a 4 month old to care for . . . and, I feel a tremendous amount of guilt taking away the “baby of the family” status from CJ before he even had time to comprehend that he was a baby.

    I’m always going to miss swaddling, though parenthood, if it’s done anything for me, has made me an ultra-proficient burrito roller.

    I can’t wait to meet that little guy 😉

  12. Now it’s four weeks and five days.

    YAY!

    (And also oh my…)

    XO