all’s fair?

pink ruffles and lace

dolls and tea cups

hair bows and nail polish

Barbies and My Little Ponies

These things have been on my mind a lot lately.

No…we didn’t find out Charlie is a girl or anything.  I am still growing a bouncing baby boy as far as I know.

But I have been thinking about daughters.

I get asked over and over again whether I was a bit disappointed to find out we were having another boy.

And the answer I give every time is a completely honest, “not at all.”

In fact, the idea of Eddie getting a little brother made me so happy, I almost burst when I found out.  Cort did too.  He always wished his younger brother was closer to his age, and I always wondered what it would be like to have a same sex sibling.  We feel like we are giving Eddie a gift neither of us had growing up.

So why am I thinking about daughters?

I’m not sure, to be honest.

Someone the other day asked me if we were going to have a third to see if we could have a daughter.

I don’t know.

I know if we try for a third it won’t be because we are trying for a daughter, but for a baby. A completion to our family that we feel we need.

Right now I don’t know if we will feel like we need a third.

In fact, the thought that we might get a girl next time scares me.

Cort and I have both–separately–come to the conclusion that if for whatever reason, we never get pregnant again, we are totally ok with that.

Two boys.

The Sluiter Boys.

Eddie and Charlie.

But what if…

What if I am supposed to be the mom to a daughter?

Would she be like me when I was little and love pink and ruffles and Wonder Woman?

Would she be a “tom boy”?

I know that just like my boys, I don’t care if she falls in love with “gender roles” or not, but I do wonder if I would parent her differently.

I think of my own relationship with my mom.

I am her only daughter.

Lately I have noticed that there are definitely differences in the way she still parents me versus how she treats my brothers.

Is it because I am a girl or is it because I am me regardless of my gender?

Either way, I don’t always know if it’s good or not.

If it’s fair or not.

But I am 33.  Does it matter anymore?

I definitely still notice it.

Would I do the same thing?

Will I do it anyway with my boys?

Does it matter whether I ever have a girl or not?

How do you maintain a sense of “fair” when you parent more than one child?  Do you think gender comes into play or is it all about personality?  Do you feel you are always “fair”?

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About Katie

Just a small town girl...wait no. That is a Journey song. Katie Sluiter is a small town girl, but she is far from living in a lonely world. She is a middle school English teacher, writer, mother, and wife. Life has thrown her a fair share of challenges, but her belief is that writing through them makes her stronger.

Comments

  1. Such interesting questions you raised. I ended up with 3 girls although we were never trying for a boy or anything. My husband would have liked to have a son, but the odds are we would have had another girl anyway. We are done and I’m happy with my girls. I also was the only girl (2 younger brothers) and I wished forever that I had a sister. I love having the same sex children.

  2. I have one of each and I sometimes wonder how that will play out as they get older. I had two brothers and no sister. Would I be closer to a sister? My parents each have 3+ siblings, is 2 kids enough? But at the end of the day, we’re done having kids and we’re happy with the ones we’ve got (most of the time!)

  3. Being the youngest, and the only girl, I never wished I had a sister to share things with. I actually loved having two older brother’s because you always knew you had someone to protect you from bullies and things your parents can’t necessarily help you with. It is true that parents always treat a daughter like she’s more fragile and needs extra love. Take it from me, being the third and the only girl is awesome!

  4. In the few times I thought we were going to have a second, I prayed it would be another boy. I have adored my son’s boyness, and when I see little girls his age with their barbies and glitter and slippers-for-shoes I am all THANK GOD. I guess maybe Nature knows I couldn’t handle a girl.

  5. I have 2 girls…I wanted a son, but am thrilled to not be outnumbered. I don’t year my girls any different than I would a son. My older daughter is just really a girly girl, there’s no changing that. With that said though she still plays with trucks, tractors and gets dirty when she plays 🙂 I hope as they grow they continue to follow a non gender specific dreams, and not fall into a gender specified “this is how it should be”… I want more for them than what “the norm” is here.

  6. I feel the same way as you. I have two boys and I was completely okay with the second being a boy too. Everyone asks me if we’re going to “try for a girl.” I find the notion ridiculous. We will decide if we want a third because we want another baby. Not a girl.

    In fact, having a girl now would scare me. I know boys. I feel comfortable with boys. I love being able to say, “my boys” and have it be all encompassing.

    All I know is that if we have a third baby, I might be hoping for a third boy. I love them that much 😉

  7. Have 2 boys, was thrilled, I didn’t want girls, I watched me grow up, are you kidding? I had an older brother, and I think you do parent them differently! But I also think it depends on the child, the maturity, and how they react to certain discplines. Some children do great with time outs others don’t, so you do parent differently. It will be interesting to see the differences between your boys!

  8. Just to ditto some of the other sentiments on here. I always wanted a houseful of boys. I never wanted a girl. Two months ago, I gave birth to one. I love her dearly, but I am constantly annoyed with people telling me that “now that I have a set, are you done?” First of all, I don’t feel that two children seven years apart are a set. Second, I never wanted a girl, so what do I say? Oh yeah, I had that gender, so now my uterus can rest. We are done, but really because of medical reasons. I still wanted more boys. I saw myself grow up. Although I think I turned out “ok”, I’m not close to any of my siblings, and I have gender and age difference to account for it. (11 years older than the next one.) My husband also isn’t close to his siblings and they are both girls. I wanted two boys that were close. God obviously had a different plan for me, and I’m cool with it, but I resent someone else (a LOT of someone else’s) implying that I should be happy because I have a boy and a girl. I’m happy because I have two healthy (and happy) children.

  9. I have 3 girls. I really wanted to 3rd to be a boy. My Dr. said it best when he told me “You dont get what you want, you get what your good at”

  10. if you are supposed to be the mom to a daughter you will be.

  11. For what it’s worth, my opinion is this:
    Whatever family you end up with is the one you won’t be able to imagine your life without.

    And you have just the right kind of love for your children.
    No matter how many or what gender they may be.

  12. I am an only child, and I have only one child, so I have NO answers to these questions. But I think about the same things a lot when I think about maybe having a second child one day.

  13. I have two boys and I was disappointed when I found out that our second was another boy. We only wanted two children and we both were hoping for a girl the second time around. We both come from boy-girl families and just thought it would have been that way for our family.

    I quickly came to terms with another boy although I sat on the end of our bed the night before our induction and sobbed that I would never have a girl. When my second son was born the bond and love was instant, something that took a little longer with my first son.

    We have discussed having a third child because at times I have felt that our family was not complete but I am 99.9% sure that we are sticking with the two boys. We also know that our third would probably be a boy as well which would be just as wonderful as a girl. In the last five generations of my husband’s family there has only been one girl born so the odds are stacked against us!

    As to being fair, in my opinion and in my household, I think it is totally about personality. And no, I am not always fair when dealing with my two boys but, in the end, I think it works out evenly.

  14. Truthfully, if I ever have another child, i want a boy.
    Chunky rocks.
    I’m sure that a girl would too.
    But there is just something about little boys and their rough and tumble ways. Plus I can’t be bothered with tights and ruffles and such.
    Also, there shall only be one diva in this house and that would be me.