a heart of conflicts

I can feel my anxiety creeping into the cracks and creases of my brain and heart and being again.

I tried to relax over break.

I had sixteen days off from work.

For the most, part it was nice.  I mean, I didn’t have to get up at 5:30am which meant I didn’t have to go to bed at 9:00pm.  Cort also had off from school, so he was home in the evenings.

I didn’t have to grade papers…ok, yes I did, but I put it off until the last day.

I didn’t have to do lesson plans.

I could take naps and read and do my needlepoint.

When Eddie wasn’t all up in my space.  Which was pretty much only during nap or when Cort was home.

I found that getting any organization done or time to just myself was impossible.  By the end of the two weeks, Eddie was very needy for other kids and organized crafts and play time, and I was ready to talk to someone about something other than dinosaurs and mickey mouse.

Don’t get me wrong, the cuddles and the book-reading and the hilarious saying Eddie has picked up made my day each and every day.

And his bed head in the morning?  Forget it.  I giggled each day when he would call, “mooooommmmyyyyyy!!!  Get up!  Sun up!” and I would walk into a little mini-blond ‘fro smiling at me.

But in between time?  When I wanted him to play by himself or watch TV so I could organize the top of the fridge or empty the dishwasher or take everything out of a cupboard to clean and organize?  He was suddenly all about his mommy.

I get this.  I do.

But after two weeks I was ready to just go back to work and feel productive and do “grown up” work.

Last night as I was hoping to fall asleep early, my mind started swirling.  I was home for two weeks.

In less than nine weeks, I will be off from work for 24 weeks.

24 weeks away from “grown up” work.

24 weeks with a toddler and a newborn.

My maternity leave with Eddie was 12 weeks and I ended up shipping him off to daycare once a week just to try to feel like myself and have Katie time.

It wasn’t enough and my spiral into postpartum depression got a bit out of control.

I am afraid.

I am anxious.

Two weeks with a toddler who was really quite well behaved and loving was enough.

Did I just type that?

What is wrong with me?  As a mother, how do I not want to be with my cutie pie funny little kid all the time?

How can I not look forward to time away from work?

From the time Charlie is born until school gets out at the end of May, Eddie will be going to daycare full time to allow me to get on some sort of schedule with Charlie.

But after that?  For the summer?

Me and the two boys.

That should be exciting, but instead my hands just started sweating and tears sprang to my eyes as I typed that.

Maybe it’s because I also have a horrible paranoia of leaving the house with my kid(s).  Not because I think we or they are going to get hurt.  It’s just so mentally and physically exhausting for me.  It’s like the idea that I will have to herd cats.

I have been told over and over that it is my anxiety disorder and my depression that are causing me to feel this way and to have these thoughts and that I am not a bad mother.

But I feel horrible.

Horrible.

What kind of good mother feels like puking when she thinks of an extended time home with her own kids?  What kind of mom wants to hold onto her kids and get rid of them at the exact same time?

I miss Eddie fiercely when we are away from each other.  It’s like a piece of me is missing.

But when we are together, I just want someone else to be there.  Or to take him. Or something.

How can these two very intense yet opposing feelings be present at the same time?

And how am I going to make it 24 weeks with all this?  And the 9 weeks in anticipation of the 24 weeks?

How can I make this tightening in my chest and burning in my eyes go away?

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About Katie Sluiter

Just a small town girl...wait no. That is a Journey song. Katie Sluiter is a small town girl, but she is far from living in a lonely world. She is a high school English teacher, college adjunct instructor, freelance writer, mother, and wife. Life has thrown her a fair share of challenges, but her belief is that writing through them makes her stronger.

Comments

  1. Big giant *hugs* to you right now. I’m not a mama yet, so I don’t know exactly how that feels. However, I do understand the internal struggles you are facing. I’ll being sending you thoughts and prayers. It’s not much, but it’s all I can do!

  2. I have no words of encouragement except to say – I understand. Sending you love and hugs and prayers. There is no easy way to get through it…or to think about getting to that point.

    I still have yet to leave my house alone w my kids – since its got cold. I’ve driven with them, but I always have help getting in and out the car. But I dont think about that. I always have people over and what not.

    What do I think of? The next step. I dont think about the next couple of days or even the next couple of hours. If I do? I freak out. I step over that edge into that anxiety pit. I just think about the next 5 mins.

    Hugs and prayer and love. You can get through this. You WILL get through this. You are NOT a bad mom. Keep saying that and soon you will realize it.

  3. I’m with you on this. You are NOT a bad mother for feeling this way. I had about a week and a half off for winter break, and that was WAY more than enough for me. We sent Noah to daycare last Friday just because we could, and we were desperate for some time to ourselves.

    I don’t have anything super helpful to say except to let you know that you aren’t alone, and you are very brave for putting these feelings out there.

  4. This is SO NORMAL. These are not the words of a horrible mom. They are the words of someone who has been thru PPD.

    I love your phrase “mentally exhausting” because I always felt the same way. It took me a long time to trust that I could handle being alone with my kids – that I could manage it all and feel good about it and know I was doing a good job. You will too, I swear it.

    I promise promise promise you that this is very common. Please don’t feel bad. You are a great mom.

  5. I feel you.

    In 12 weeks it will be me, my just-turned-4 year old, my just-turned-2 year old and a brand new baby. I’m terrified!!

    I wish the older guys were in school or childcare so I could get a break, but e 4 year old is in preschool just 3 hours 3 days a week. What was I thinking?!?!

  6. I completely understand. I pray that like my experience, yours with #2 will be so much better. Not only did my preparation for the postpartum period help me, it helped L1. I hired a college student to spend 4 days per week with him so I could nap when L2 did, spend time skin to skin snuggling, even when I couldn’t sleep and have some time to myself to get to know “the me” that was being a mom of two kids. That transition was not overnight for me or L1. If it is possible, I highly recommend a daycamp for summer or a teenage babysitter to do the more intense play that little boys need while you take some down time or spend one on one time with baby. The babysitter can also come in handy for taking some one on one time with Eddie, as well. Blessings as you prepare for this special time.

  7. This is normal- I was scared to take my two out- but guess what? It does get easier. Those kids just want you- all of you- and yes, sometimes it gets irritating when you want to get things done. But you will never, NEVER, get that time back. Ever. So soak it up. There will always be dishes and cleaning and organizing to do. But those kids will only be young once and only want YOU for so long.

  8. Ok I am in tears, you have described me to a T!
    I went through the same thing, my boys are 15 months apart!
    You are am awesome mother, and your boys (all of them, Cort included) are so lucky to have you in their lives!
    You are so normal in these feelings its scary, a lot of people are just not brave enough to admit those feelings!
    You will find a balance, and the day that you can’t, ask for Help! It’s ok not to always be supermom!
    I am sending you lots of hugs and love, you will do great! And if you feel you aren’t doing great….that is what we are here for….support!

  9. I had 10 days over the holiday with Laura, and we were ready to kill each other by Sunday. Even though I still had yesterday (Monday) off, I dropped Laura at day care. We just needed the space apart! I’m a little worried about maternity leave coming up this summer, but I also know Laura will still go to school three days a week (with my MIL watching her the other two) while I’m home with the newborn. The ability to play with kids her own age really makes a huge difference in her personality. Kids need other kids!

    That said, moms need other moms! You’ll be home for your maternity leave, and it’ll be tough… but I’m sure you can find time each week to get out of the house to see other grown-up people. Play dates (and tea time) totally got me through the first months with Laura, and I’m planning on that again!

  10. I too had two babies back to back (2 1/2 years apart) and I felt that way as the second baby got closer too…how in the HELL am I going to manage two little kids and work full time? Well the working full time is the only way to get through it, that’s for sure.

    Once Charlie is here you will fall into a routine and it will be as if he’d been in the mix forever. You figure it out and get into a groove just like when you had the first one.

    I’ll be the first to say that I was just off for four days for the New Year’s holiday and I was like a caged animal at home with two kids! There is only so much crafting and cleaning and playing and television I can handle and we were all very happy to part ways this morning. They want to play with their friends at daycare and I want to “be an adult” like you say.

    VERY NORMAL!

  11. Karen Kleiman stated it best in her book, “What Am I Thinking: Having a Baby After Postpartum Depression” when she says she worries MORE about a Mama who isn’t freaked out than a Mama who is freaked out/worried.

    You’re not only a Mom, you’re still Katie, and you’re fighting to keep Katie along with the growing role of Mother. It’s a scary thing, especially when there’s PPD in your rearview mirror. This time around though, you’ve got Warrior Moms and the #PPDChatArmy back there too – and right there with you as well.

    Baby steps and you’ll get through it. With all of us right at your side.

    (HUGS)

  12. You feel this way because you are a human being. It is hard (SO HARD) to be home with a kid all day with no adult interactions. And I think admitting that you are afraid and need help is a FANTASTIC thing. It may be the thing that keeps you from spiraling down into the depths of that depression again, the thing that keeps you a good mom.

    You are an amazing teacher, and the fact that you do something you love and that matters is important. Your boys will grow up seeing that. That is a good thing. The fact that you can look at yourself and say “I need to teach” and “I need to write” is an even better thing because your boys will grow up knowing their mother is a real human being, and a wise one who knows her own heart and mind. You can love them like crazy, and love them with all of yourself, and still need to BE yourself. I think that’s okay. I think it’s better than okay, it’s fantastic.

  13. I’m so happy to see someone else dealing with this…that I’m not the horrible person I feel like lately.
    I haven’t posted about it…but a draft of this very topic is sitting awaiting the time I’m ready to admit that being home with my kids is overwhelming. I felt I’ve been “losing my mind” because I’ve just been so down over the holidays and confused about it all, because I never remember feeling this way after my first child.

    You’re so strong, inspiring and encouraging to share this.

  14. Mother Shutter says:

    I get it. I totally know how you feel. I have been there, and I am *still* there. It is frustrating and frightening and guilt-inducing as HELL. But you know what? If you take a step back and look at your family, see how wonderful and loving Eddie is, you will realize that you *ARE* a good mother. You *ARE* wonderful, even though it is so very, very trying. And tiring.

    But when you stop worrying, when you don’t care, that is when you become the person you didn’t want to be. And I don’t see you doing that. EVER.

    You are not alone, and YOU CAN DO THIS. xoxo

  15. I get this. I SO get this! I had a super crazy hard time adjusting to life at home with two kids. I worked part time after I had B, but daycare for two kids was just much to high of an expense to swallow–so I decided to stay home. In the beginning, and still today, I have days where I wish I could ship them off to daycare, head to a normal job, and have some time to myself. I feel horrible about it, but its a real feeling.

    It does not make us bad Mamas. Just makes us human. Huge giant crazy HUGS to you!

  16. Only 24 weeks? In Canada you get the full year off.

    9 Weeks seems like a lot. 24 Weeks seems like a lot.

    In 52 weeks, you’ll barely remember the anxiety of it all, hopefully. All the best!

  17. I hear you. I stay home w a 4 yr old and a 7 month old and this past year has been one long learning curve. 4 yr old does preschool 2 mornings per week for 2 hrs and it is so good for her. It would be good for me too, if it were only a little longer.

    We did a lot of park time while the weather was decent. I had a lot of help. Friends to have play dates with whose kids could keep older daughter occupied.

    Recognizing our limitations and our needs helps us to be better parents.

    This past November, I took both girls to bob Evans, by myself, while we were at the beach, so the rest of the house could sleep. Little moments when you just know you are rocking it.

  18. I don’t think, given the post partum depression you experienced the first time around, that it is unatural or bad at all for you to feel nervous about being home for such an extended period with two kids. Work can be a life saver when faced with depression (in my experience). The positive is that you know yourself, you know your pit falls. Do you have friends and family who can take a shift per week to give you time to go to Starbucks? Do you live in Central Indiana (if so, I’m happy to help)? Reaching out is so important. Hang in there. Take care of yourself – it’s not selfish, it’s a great example to your children.

  19. I was the same way when my kids were little. Now that they’re a bit older and I can make them help me with those things I need to get done (and I make it fun for them too), it’s much better. We can all enjoy each other a little bit now.

    When I read this, I thought I was reading my own story of when mine were little. I know exactly how you feel. I would literally count the minutes until I was ‘off duty’. And my husband wasn’t nearly as helpful when I had my PPD as your husband seems to be.

    All I can say is that it does get better as they get older and actually want to play by themselves or read all day (as my 7yo did yesterday on his last day of vacation). All you can do is take it 1 day at a time. You are so incredibly strong and can definitely do this.

  20. I went through this but when I did I was jobless and didn’t know if I would ever get a job. So during my pregnancy I planned like I was going to stay home with my two boys indefinitely. It did cause me a lot of stress. I just didn’t know if I would be able to do it all! How would we all be happy, ya know? I thought my depression would come back in full force. I even went and signed Landon up for a mother’s day out program so I could have two days a week to concentrate on Brigham.

    I’m the same way about getting out with two kids. It makes me nervous. But I think the best advice I can give to you is to make sure you continue to be out and about with your boys. No matter how anxious it makes you, it really breaks the day up if you can have some sort of outside activity. We did a lot that summer and it was one of the best summers of my entire life! Make plans and keep a full calendar. If you stay home with both boys every day you won’t be having fun. Look up some fun things that are going on this summer and plan to meet friends/family there so you have some help!

    You can do this, Katie. I’ve been in your shoes and I’ve come through it with a smile on my face.

  21. Lindsay@Lilloveandluck says:

    My B is only a year old and I have felt this way. Unfortunately I see it getting worse as toddlerhood gets into full swing. The part about missing him and then getting him and wanting someone else to come in? Exactly how I’d describe it. It’s hard. But you will trudge on and he will know he’s loved. Hugs. You are not alone.

  22. You can do this. I know you can.

    It may seem so daunting to take them out, but at some point it may be a more attractive option than being home all day. We get out most days, just because it breaks the monotony, even if it’s only for a walk.

    You have lots of support, and I know your love for your family is a powerful weapon in your arsenal :)

  23. You are expressing thoughts that other moms (me!) have, but aren’t brave enough to admit!

    The hubs & I have had many convos about how my mental health would likely be improved had I not become a stay-at-home mom when I did (in 2003.)

    As soon as I get a handle on myself, I am absolutely going back to a career outside the home. My soul craves it.

  24. I know how you feel. I had always thought I would love being home with kids but apparently I’m not quite built for it. It has been very tough to accept that. I love them with all of my being and miss them when I am not with them but I have that same feeling of wanting to get away when I’m the one responsible for entertaining them. I work from home and my only grown up interaction is by phone and IM. My husband really thinks I would benefit from actually going into the office but that just won’t work for now. So it is a struggle for me. I feel for you and send you virtual hugs.

  25. Wow, I had the same feelings with my kids. I don’t think I really had PPD or anything (maybe I did and didn’t know it or it passed after a while), but I remember feeling TOTALLY overwhelmed with the thought of dealing with kids all day or taking them out. You know what, just do it when YOU feel ready. I think the other problem I had was my expectations of how things should be – how I should act, what kind of mom I should be, how my kids should sleep/eat/poop, etc. With the 2nd and FOR SURE with our 3rd, I really tried to throw all expectations out of the window and just be in survival mode. While I don’t know what it is like with PPD really, I DO think some of it has to do with being an introvert. I need my space, my me-time, sanity-time. I started scheduling a babysitter for a good half of the day once a week just so I had sanity time. It helped SOOOOO much. That and one evening/night a week where I got out and did something with friends, etc. It helped SO much. So, my advice (all taken with a grain of salt on your end since I didn’t have PPD) would be: have LOW expectations, figure out a way to get plenty of sleep, get someone to come and help, have a good part of 1 day a week and 1 evening a week that is YOURS to do whatever you want with…..and did I say have LOW expectations???

  26. Amazon284 says:

    You have described my feelings to a tee. I love my toddler more than words can express, but when I’m with her, she’s such a whirlwind that I feel overwhelmed and exhausted. I just want to lay down, close my eyes, and sleep. She wants ON me, every second that we’re home together. It’s like being jumped on by a weasel with octopus arms. My husband and I count down to bedtime every night, and once she’s nestled in her sleep sack and settled down in bed, we sigh loudly and wilt into the nearest piece of furniture. I feel like, “Where did my life go?” I was a very active person–always on the go. I know this time is fleeting with her, so I feel obligated to dedicate every moment I can, but I think it’s breaking me. I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have a full-time job and day care.

    I think women have been guilted into believing that motherhood should be the end-all, be-all of amazing experiences. Don’t get me wrong; it IS amazing in it’s own way. Watching your offspring develop and love you, and loving them….it’s fantastic. It’s also exhausting, overwhelming, life-sucking, difficult, and tedious. Nobody tells you that part. And parents are made to feel like crap if they are anything but super happy about the process of parenthood. Well, I say bullshit.

    I don’t know what I’d do if I got pregnant again. She was planned, and we plan not to have any more.

  27. I started one comment, got distracted by Facebook, and found something more awesome that inspired me.

    Ina May Gaskin gave an interview recently and here’s one of the things she said:

    “Feminism was very powerful to me when I got the phrase from Robin Morgan, “Sisterhood is powerful.” I was experiencing those three words as a new mother because I was realizing that isolated, I had no power.”

    She’s not talking about PPD and how to do this whole mothering thing post-mental illness. But she is saying something that’s more eloquent than my previous message. Sisterhood IS powerful, and there’s a sisterhood in this mothering thing that you know exists now that you weren’t perhaps aware of before. And “there art thou happy,” to quote my favorite Friar.

    There is power in numbers, Kate. Strength and support that is untapped as of yet but waiting for you to need it. You, my dear friend, are not alone this time. Isolation is a form of punishment for prisoners because it breaks their spirit. It’s no different when applied to mothers. Lean on us virtually and lean on those in your real world who are there for you. We all love you.

  28. Thank you for sharing a very personal and very difficult feeling. You are a brave soul for doing it – and I’m sure captured the feelings of lots of moms and moms to be out there. I may not understand the cause of the feelings, but know that there are many like me out there who sympathize with you – and hear you. Know that there are people out there who want and will help. You will get through this – and continue to be an amazing mom, wife, teacher & friend to many!

  29. Gosh! I SOOO remember these feelings. To a tee! Only I never told anyone how I was feeling. Just getting it out there is therapeutic. My kids are now 11, 8, & 5. It WILL get better. Promise.

  30. Hey Katie! I won’t pretend to know how you’re feeling. I just know what I feel, and it sounds a little like what you wrote here (my husband is a teacher, and I always dread when he goes back to school after a break). I recently blogged about a few things that have helped me. Read it if you’d like? http://catchingzees.blogspot.com/2011/12/six-easy-steps.html

  31. Big, big hugs. There is nothing wrong with those feelings, I certainly felt similar feelings when I had my daughter! Just be aware of your anxiety and know that you can reach out for help – don’t bottle those feelings up!

  32. oh, sweet girl…you are going to hurt, and you are going to cry, and you are going to crack up laughing, and you are going to be grateful and pissed off and you are going to be YOU…and that is more than good enough. i believe you will hold on to your support system, breathe through the hardest times, take whatever medicinal aides that work for you, cry some more, laugh some more. you’re going to be ok. because you are you…not in spite of it. so much love love to you!!!

  33. Hugs to you. Minus being pregnant with a second child, this is my life. I feel the exact same way. You will get through this. I know B would love to come over and have a play date with Eddie, and I would love some Charlie snuggles.

  34. In lieu of commenting, I sent you a Paint masterpiece. It’s actually really bad.

    So let’s just pretend that never happened, okay?

  35. Sending you hugs, my friend. I get you…I understand…When I work long hours I miss my boy oh so much I’m aching. But I’ve been out of work since last month and damn I miss it…I miss working. You will be fine, Mama you will because you have the strength and most of all, the love.

  36. Just keep on doing what you just did .. .take a moment and write it all down.
    let it out, put it aside and set it free … ok, it won’t just go away or be free but it sure as hell beats keeping it bottled up inside.
    And looking upwards to the comments above, you have a network, a support group and dear friends here every step of the way.
    You can do it.
    You will see xxx

  37. Thank you for being honest. I’m a sahm to 2yo twin girls & a 4yo girl. It’s such a relief whe someone else is here to help or my oldest is at preschool, but I feel like someone is demanding my time 24/7. I suffered a bad bout of depression last September & I just have to remember to make time for me too. To demand time for me if needed.

  38. i’m sorry i wasn’t here for you yesterday. i was wrapped up in doing this very thing you fear. a toddler who refused to nap and a 10 week old who refused to be put down without screaming his head off.
    but i did it.
    the very thing, i, too, feared for so long.
    you will also overcome. you will make it work. & those 24 weeks will be gone in the blink of an eye, and you may never wish for them back, but you might wish you had soaked in them or enjoyed them more… or… or… or…

    So, back off anxiety!!! We have some babies to enjoy!! :)

  39. I’ve had to work really hard at finding contentment as a stay at home mom. And I think without blogging, I would be 100% worse for the wear. This community is beyond awesome.

  40. Oh sweetie…this is a lot more common than you think.
    You’re not a horrible Mom. I am so proud of you for typing this out because I bet that there are so many women out there who feel the EXACT same way.
    I loathed my job so it was awesome when I got to take a leave.
    But being at home was well…not what I anticipated.
    I stole every opportunity that I could get to get Chunky off my hands and to just have a break…I felt terrible about it.
    Now that I’ve been off for almost a year, and now I can finally move on from my old job, I’m so excited to get a new one.
    I need and crave to feel productive….not that I’m not at home…and I’m not saying that SAHM aren’t…it’s just not my cup of tea ya know?

  41. I can so relate to this. My DH was mourning heading back to work yesterday. I was getting some serious cabin fever after spending nearly a week with my 4 year old and 15 month daughters. I need to work; it’s something my soul craves. I love my girls with all my heart, but I am a better mom because I work outside of the home. I feel like I can give more of myself when I am with them.

  42. 16 days is a long time to be away or with anything.

    You are NOT a bad mother! I believe everything you are feeling is perfectly normal.

    I commend you for sharing your heart and head with us.

    Hang in there, friend!!

    xoxo

  43. I create a very firm schedule that helps me to know what is on time and what is off time. I also have daily ‘I’m a good mom’ mantras. It relieves some of my guilt and anxiety. I used to dread vacation time so I understand. You aren’t a bad mom. I learned tricks. I screwed up. I asked for help. I cried. But I did it and am a good mom because of it. Not despite it. You are too. Much love my friend.

  44. Oh Katie! I know you’ve got a really good support network. But if you ever need to talk, I’m here for you, too. Just ask and you can have my number. While I haven’t shared your particular anxieties, I have and do deal with depression and anxiety on a daily basis, and so at the very least can nod knowingly and sympathetically, or provide a totally non-judgmental phone/email shoulder to cry on. The anxiety is probably a symptom of an illness… but I think even non-depressed/anxious moms exist in a strange dichotomous world where we want to alternately be with our kids 24/7 and yet want to be away as well. Even moms who are happy SAHMs get this feeling sometimes. It’s so normal it’s BEYOND normal. So please don’t feel broken. Please don’t feel un-normal. Or rather, feel whatever it is you need to feel, and then take some deep breaths and know that it’s OK to feel that way. The fact that you can be self-aware enough to understand what you’re feeling, even if it feels overwhelming, means you are better off than so many who are still struggling to even get to that level of helping themselves. And kudos to you for writing about it, because it may help some of those others who are struggling in that way to know that they aren’t alone and that there’s a better place to get to.

    Hugs, hugs, and more hugs!

  45. You are so very brave to express those thoughts. Honestly, only a really good and loving Mom worries about having those very real and natural feelings! I can say that as a Mom of two boys (now 10 and 12) they go through very need times but quickly start to become fiercely independent. Just remember to breath, give hugs, find times to laugh with them and take the time you need to be you. They will love you for all of it. You are doing a great job!

  46. I didn’t read all the comments..so I’m here to tell you that you’re not horrible and I know exactly how you feel. After some weekends I am more than ready to ship my kids to daycare and I didn’t have an PPD per se..we were trying to diagnose my migraines and fibro..but honestly no real depression….I couldn’t wait to go back to work. As much as I love vacations etc…they are really a lot of work now, everything is a lot of work lately..even just leaving the house or going to dinner…and if I needed to be “on” all the time I’d know I’d have a pretty hard time of it.

    There is no shame in feeling that. I just want you to know that through all of this..you have US…and you can find me any time. I think that you knowing it might be hard and anticipating that..even planning for it is a good idea…admit it and look at the ways you can get through…ask for help, accept the help, talk about your feelings….take days OFF when u need to and just breathe….you’re going to be soo good at this…I know that in my heart.

    Love u
    Xoxxo

  47. I think this is totally normal. I had two hospitalizations with PPD after my first daughter was born and I worried a lot about it and had some serious anxiety about how I’d feel and what was going to happen with my second.

    There is absolutely nothing wrong with you and you sound like a wonderful mom.

  48. Oh, Katie. I’m so sorry. I feel for you. I feel the same way. I often think I’m not cut out for this SAHM thing and I just want to get a big-girl job again and be around adults. I can’t wait for Q to wake up from his nap so I can kiss his sweet face, but then as soon as he wakes up I just wish he would go back to sleep and give me some peace. You’re NOT a bad mother. Eddie knows you love him very much and he’s lucky to have you.

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  1. [...] Katie is about to have another baby after having had postpartum depression, and she writes about her worries. Her normal, perfectly-good-mom [...]

  2. [...] Katie is about to have another baby after having had postpartum depression, and she writes about her worries. Her normal, perfectly-good-mom [...]