thanks in all circumstances

I choose not to remember them.

Those who were due to be born in November.

I guess it sounds harsh.  Choosing to forget.

Only that first year did I forget to forget.

Fifty-one weeks of the year they barely enter my mind.

This week is different…

This year, on Thanksgiving Day, we didn’t get home until more than an hour into nap time.

Eddie was spent.

Plus he had knocked his head on the car door and had cried out any remaining energy in his body.

He just wanted me to rock him.

And so we rocked.

My belly makes it hard to accommodate a 35 pound, 35 inch two year old.

But he managed to wrap an arm behind me and lay his face against my chest.

He kept catching his breath because he had cried so hard earlier.  And he kept wiggling in closer, as if he was trying to fuse together with me.

I covered him in his soft blue minky blanket with the words “Baby Boy” on it, and gently stroked his hair.

Eventually, his body went limp and his head leaned back so I could see the soft innocence of his face as he slept.

I searched my mind trying to remember the last time this happened.

I traced his nose and cheeks with my fingers.

And remembered the two who were supposed to be born in November.

For the first time in four years, I didn’t feel an ache of emptiness.

I didn’t feel a stab in my heart.

I felt peace.

Somehow, it was because of them that I have this.

I have small boy who wants nothing more than to be wrapped tightly by his momma’s arms when he is hurt, scared, tired.

I have a little person who feels safe with me.

I have a baby on the inside kicking against the pressure of his sleeping brother on the outside.

Suddenly, any anger or confusion that was left in my heart evaporated.

It was replaced with gratitude.

And a deep joy.

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.
~1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
About Katie

Just a small town girl...wait no. That is a Journey song. Katie Sluiter is a small town girl, but she is far from living in a lonely world. She is a middle school English teacher, writer, mother, and wife. Life has thrown her a fair share of challenges, but her belief is that writing through them makes her stronger.

Comments

  1. I love so many things about this post – it’s silmplicity in telling an incredibly emotional story. Your spareness of words leaves so much room for the emotion and hope that bursts forth. Thank you for sharing!

  2. This was beautiful. I originally found your site back in February when I experienced a miscarriage and I desparately was seeking people’s stories to normalize my experience, to feel less alone. My baby would have been born this month. I pray that someday I will get another chance. I am so happy for your joy <3

  3. Oh hun, goose bumps! Bless you!

  4. I love that you found grace and gratitude through this. Thank you for sharing, and I am glad you got a lovely snuggle from Eddie 🙂

  5. I love the way you’ve put it, in this prose/poem. What a gorgeous post!

  6. Such a small, simple task that many take for granted you put into perspective and soaked in.
    You really captured this moment.
    What a beautiful post.

  7. So glad that you have found peace.

  8. Such a beautiful post. I love that you can make me feel like I am right with you. Hugs and love to you

  9. Truly beautiful. The other day Alexa fell asleep by accident in my lap. Watching her completely at rest in my arms was something I have missed for a long while. It was nice to get a taste of her babyness again so close to the birth of her sister.

  10. That moment, when you know a wound that seemed like forever has healed, is such a surprising and wonderful gift. I’m so very glad you have peace.

  11. Beautiful. Absolutely beautiful.

    I am so happy for you to have found peace and joy.

  12. this took my breath away, the simple things about it, the tracing of his nose…I do that too, when they want/need to be in my lap, I cuddle, I stroke, I sit. I loved seeing you in that peaceful state too my friend.
    xo

    (and I love the new design, I’ve been reading on my phone……I am so in love with how GOOD this space looks and feels. xo)

  13. “I have a baby on the inside kicking against the pressure of his sleeping brother on the outside.”

    Katie:

    I love the picture you paint here. You are a bit of flesh between what will soon be two brothers: an expanded family. You are a special brand of glue. May your sons always love their momma.

  14. My favorite moments of pregnancy with my second were like this…when my baby girl was pushing from the inside against her big brother on the outside and my arms encircled them both.

    Nothing could be more perfect. Heaven in a rocking chair.

    Wishing you a lifetime of continued peace…
    of knowing this is what is meant for you.

  15. I love this post, it’s beautiful and raw and very honest. Choosing to forget… I like that.

    After some time, it definitely gets easier to forget what has been lost, especially when considering everything we have gained.

    xoxo

  16. So beautiful! I’ve never had a miscarriage, but we had several unsuccessful IVFs, so when I cuddle and comfort my son, I feel the same way. I’m glad you have been able to find peace.

  17. you know…I was pissed off at myself for buying waterproof mascara because that crap takes a lot of work to get off…but now? I’m glad because I’m crying and I won’t look like a clown after he ran through a car wash.
    You my friend are amazing.
    I’m so glad that this moment happened.
    You sound so at peace.
    And oh so complete.
    Love you.

  18. Katie, I can’t even begin to describe what I’m feeling right now as I read this. (Don’t worry, it’s all positive, just very emotionally heavy, and so hard to type out). I’ll keep it short. I am so happy that you’ve found peace. That you’ve found your window to happiness. That you exist with a little less ache in your heart, at least for now. All my best to you, thank-you so much for sharing this with us.