my boy

Hey Kate, look at your boy.

I turn my head with a smile.  I know exactly who Cort is talking about.

And sure enough, when I look, there is Eddie.

Doing something cute while oblivious to the fact that anyone is looking at him.

Pulling down his pants, copying the dance moves on PBS, counting with Mickey.

your boy.  the boy.  our boy.

For the past 29 months those words inexplicably meant Eddie.

Yesterday, as Cort told me to look over at my boy,a life turned and fluttered deep within me.

It suddenly occurred to me that in less than 18 weeks, I’ll have to ask “which boy?”

We will have two.

Two boys.

Something in my heart constricted as I realized that.

Part out of joy and love and part…

He made me a momma.

He is my boy.

He is my one and only buddy.

He is my entire heart.

When he curls up next to me on the couch, everything is right with my world.

He fills something that I didn’t know was empty.

He is my boy.

And as I pull him close–and his brother flips and flops on the inside–I can’t help but wonder…

Will he forgive me for adding another one?

Can he understand that he will always be my boy?

I have been making a habit of pushing those questions out of my mind.

Because they are unanswerable.

Instead, I sit beside Eddie’s crib when he is scared of the dark, stroke his hair, and quietly sing Jesus Loves Me until his eyes get heavy.

And pray that he will always be my boy.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
About Katie

Just a small town girl...wait no. That is a Journey song. Katie Sluiter is a small town girl, but she is far from living in a lonely world. She is a middle school English teacher, writer, mother, and wife. Life has thrown her a fair share of challenges, but her belief is that writing through them makes her stronger.

Comments

  1. This is so sweet and so relevant to every mommy ever adding to her family. I can’t give you an answer and I can’t explain it, but somehow, yes he’ll always be your boy, but so will Charlie. It’s like your heart just duplicates each time. And your whole heart just swallows those babies up.

    This was a really beautiful post and I totally am all teared up trying to work now. Lovely.

  2. I worried, too, when we added to our family. That empty spot that Eddie filled? You may not realize it but there is room in that spot for another. Eddie will always be your boy and he will forgive you. Although I don’t see how you did anything for him to forgive you for.

  3. You said it perfectly. I think this is a fear of many soon to be mothers of two.

  4. As a mom of 3 boys trust that he will always be your boy. Each one has their spot in your heart with their individuality. Each child leaves a mark that is differently and uniquely theirs from birth. That I can tell you never changes.

  5. “He fills something that I didn’t know was empty”

    Soon…

    You’ll start saying “the boys”.

    You’ll marvel at your growing family.

    You’ll realize that your new baby will fill a new piece of you that you didn’t know was empty.

    And then you’ll realize that the new baby will also fill a piece of Eddie that he didn’t know was empty either.

    (((HUGS))) to you all!

  6. this, as you know, has been a big struggle for me. it’s still hard. it’s weird having two. but i know sometime soon it will be our new normal and we won’t be able to remember life before.

  7. So beautiful. It is a different world with two. There are times when I feel like I am ignoring S, or too hard on her, or she feels rejected because Baby R came along. But I try very, very hard to show them my love equally. And I hope and pray that they will be as close as my sister and I are. And I think that makes it all worth while. Because as much as I adore them, as I know my parents adored us, someday, I will be gone. But they will have each other. And that is a much greater comfort to me than the idea that S avoids having to share me. 🙂

  8. Beautiful! This sums up what I imagine to be every mother of soon to be twos feelings.

  9. I had the same fears, totally. I was so scared that I wouldn’t know how to be the mother of two different children, that maybe I’d used all the good stuff on the first one, that maybe I wouldn’t want to share the good stuff with the second one. Once the second one was born, though, I understood that you love each child equally but differently, so there isn’t any need for concern over where you will get the love from. Also, having two boys is awesome. They are so much fun, so full of life, and they will have each other for the rest of their lives. They are very lucky, and you’re going to have a blast. I’m excited for you!

  10. I am certain I will feel the same way if I’m ever blessed with another boy. But I bet the phrase “Hey, look at your boyS” will quickly become your new favorite. All that love and joy times two!

  11. I teared up…but I promise you heart expands, it gets so much bigger, you have room in it that you are not even aware of yet….and the love….the love overflows! Your words were just beautiful.

  12. aw, so ver sweet! he will always be your boy 🙂

  13. What a sweet post. It’s exactly what I think of when I consider having a 2nd. Your post already shows your love is boundless!

  14. First there was only You. Then came You and Cort. Followed by You, Cort and Eddie.

    And just WAIT until you’re watching your two baby boys together. When Eddie hugs Charlie. And Charlie says his brother’s name even before Mama and Ddada. When they have their own secret language. And giggle at inside jokes. Make each other laugh and cry and protect each other against all others.

    And they’ll both be YOUR BOYS.

    It’s yet another type of love in the world you couldn’t know before.
    You won’t remember what life was like before the beauty of two.

    You, Cort, Eddie, Charlie.

    Believe me. At first you’ll be overwhelmed trying to attend to everyone at the same time…but life has a way of settling in, of evening out. Eventually.

    There will be more than enough time, more than enough attention.
    And so much more love you won’t know what to do with yourself.

    In a good way.
    In the best way of all.

  15. This is so sweet. I think we all feel that way because it’s so hard to imagine that another person could fill up our hearts the way the first one does – hard to know that the love multiplies and doesn’t divide. But it does.

  16. I had these same questions, along with various doubts and anxieties, but there is nothing quite like the feeling of saying, (in my case) the girls and I are… I hope you too will feel the same way when you start saying and hearing, the boys and I are… 🙂