We’re All Toilet Trained. Almost.

Ok so it’s Wednesday again and that means I have another Sluiter Nation Recruit for you.  Need a reminder about what a Recruit is?  Start here.

So today is a little different.  I have a Recruit.  And she is a blogger, but she is MORE a tweeter than she is a blogger.

In fact, Jen has a few blogs that she claims to ignore.  Her least ignored one is The Martha Project.  I know, I know…some of you who know her from twitter are like, “Jen blogs?”

I have to say that even though she is not an avid blogger, she belongs here as a Recruit for so many reasons.

First of all she is funny.  I mean the things she says will make you spit out whatever is in your mouth at the time…including your own tongue.

She is also super sincere and passionate.  Jen is someone I can trust to tell me the truth, whip me back to reality, and then make my laugh.  Plus she is fiercely devoted to making sure her Gifted and Talented son gets the best education and is not just handed mediocrity because that is the level of the rest of the class.

The teacher in me gives a fist pump and a “hell YES!” whenever I read her education tweets.

And she is funny.

Wait.  Did I say that already?  Well I should remind you of that before you continue.

Set down your coffee and get ready. (and mom, you’ve been warned.)

*************

I always get a little freaked out about guest posts. I don’t claim to write well, and then I have Katie “recruiting “me. Just look at those other recruits. It’s like a game of “which one of these things is not like the other.” So here I am. I apologize in advance from your regular program of excellent writing.

I don’t have a stockpile of post ideas. I generally wait until something happens and the moon aligns before I actually take the time to do anything more than 140. This time around? It was especially hard. To relate to Katie, I could go the second kid route or even the school route, but neither worked for me. I sort of had an idea and was going to go with it until I was hit with something else.

I was in the kitchen and had to go to the bathroom. I decided to head upstairs for a little (ahem) privacy. As I was climbing up the stairs, it happened.

I pooped my pants.

Again.

*************

You see I haven’t always pooped my pants and I can’t say that it happens OFTEN. I can say that when you hear the obstetrician say to the nurse after labor:

“Can you hand me another spool of thread?”

It’s not going to be a good thing.

At the time you don’t really know what that even means. Two spools. I just thought

“Well, o.k. Dr. do your job and tighten it up good, I gots me a new baby!”

Life goes on, with no sleep, around the clock feedings, and the need to leave the house. It’s during one of these events that you realize maybe she didn’t tighten “it” up enough.

You start to think this at the local Target. I was out for one of my first trips without the newborn. I could not have been happier to know that I had 1 hr. and 43 minutes to myself until the baby needed to be fed again. I was just grabbing for my purse and opening the door when…

Oops, I just pooped my pants.

Well, that’s odd. Must be the hormones or something.

I then did what any other desperate mother who wanted 1 hour and 43minutes to herself.

I grabbed the baby wipes

Stripped

Cleaned

and threw away everything into a plastic bag right there in the parking lot.

So yeah. I was getting my 1 hr. and 23 minutes any way I could.

I threw my pants back on, rolled that shit into a ball, and threw it all out on my way in.

Surely, Target has this effect on others. There was alone shopping time to be had people.

Like I said, this isn’t a common thing with me. I can count on one hand how many times and I can’t even believe I’m admitting this.

Maybe you can relate maybe you can’t. Either way I’m here to say

I sometimes poop my pants……and that’s ok

I love my children and wouldn’t trade them for anything. Even if I DO have to pack two diaper bags to leave the house**

_______________________________________________

**I don’t really. Swear.

And this is the part of the internet that I love the “ME TOO!” part.

Please, please be at least one other who relates.

*************

Ok…so admit it.  Who here as pooped a little?  Raise of hands?  We won’t tell.  What is admitted in Sluiter Nation, stays in Sluiter Nation.  Maybe.

Ahem.

So you need to go follow Jen on twitter NOW.  (not on twitter?  You should join JUST to follow Jen.  I am not even kidding).

And I know you want to read some of my favorites from her blog, yes?

Ok, you have to know what Storm Meat is.

You should also read her reasons why she sucks at blogging.

And you need to know that her kids say the darndest things.

So there you have it.  Jen is awesome.

Now.  Go follow her on twitter.

Do it.

Oh, and just admit you pooped your pants.  Come on.

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About Katie

Just a small town girl...wait no. That is a Journey song. Katie Sluiter is a small town girl, but she is far from living in a lonely world. She is a high school English teacher, college adjunct instructor, freelance writer, mother, and wife. Life has thrown her a fair share of challenges, but her belief is that writing through them makes her stronger.

Comments

  1. That photo hasn’t stopped being funny.

    Well done, my BFF. You nailed it.

  2. Grilled cheese, I guess someone has to be first. So…yeah. Pants pooping. I too was a two spool of thread delivery. Doc said it wasn’t so much how many stitches as it was hemming me up. Mercifully, my husband did NOT ask the doctor to tighten her up with a couple extra stitches, especially since at that moment I was bleeding profusely from the gaping wound that was my vagina/butt. So anyways, apparently fourth degree tears do have some lasting complications. Nuff said.

    Is there such a thing as a rectal Kegel? Asking for a friend.

  3. The only thing that rocks more than Jen on Twitter is Jen in person. Thanks for highlighting her.

  4. So. I have never actually had your experience. I can manage my…ahem…arse. But? After a big night of drinking? Sometimes I am a little afraid to, you know, let a little air out. Because? As a good friend once said to me after a raging night of drinking…”Can you fart with confidence?”

    Is that helpful? I’m not sure. Also? I might have made that whole story up.

  5. Thankfully I have been able to make it in time. Sometimes it is tough though.

  6. I half-pooped my pants once. In a thong. On a drive from college town to current town when Dan and I were living in separate places. It was…interesting.

  7. Maybe once or twice…More often than not it’s a trickle of pee. *ahem* No, I don’t think it’s just you.

  8. A handful of times…. When it happens – it doesn’t matter how fast I run… The poop runs faster!

  9. Hi, I’m Aimee, and I’m a sharter. I have been a sharter for 7 years now, ever since I birthed my 3rd 10lb baby. You heard me. 10 flippin lbs
    I feel as though I earned my incontinence.

  10. Although I haven’t actually pooped, I definitely thought I had a few times. And there are definitely times when the pee decides to make a surprise appearance. I can NOT believe I just typed that in and will be hitting submit. You blogging/Twitter folks are making it WAY.TOO.EASY. to unload personal stuff all over the place. I can’t seem to help myself.

  11. Almost not quite but almost on the way home from a long car trip post vacation. I’d never been as happy to see my front door.
    Love you Jen!

  12. So no poop…but I have lost all ability to jump up and down with 2 feet without pissing myself. Jump rope? Go to hell. Jumping jacks? Fuck you. It took me 3 months of half-marathon training and a box of pads to finally stop peeing while running…and I can’t make promises. I think I needed another spool.

  13. You just reminded me of that SNL skit for “Oops I crapped my pants” diapers. Seriously, if you haven’t watched it Jen, WATCH IT. And I totally relate to the 2 spools of thread. That nut picture hurts just looking at it! (Why yes I AM totally ignoring the “Have you pooped your pants” question.)

  14. I have not. BUT…I’m glad that you have because that is all kinds of funny!

  15. Jen is awesome, and that’s all I will admit to.

    xo

  16. I have certainly had some “get me to the bathroom, quick!” moments….and they are NOT fun. But luckily I have not (yet) had to strip in the Target parking lot and throw stuff away. But I would do anything to not miss that alone time in Target, so you never know…

  17. Never accidents, but if I have to go all bets are off. We don’t mess around. Get the hell out of my way (I’ve pulled a child of the toilet so I can go before). I remember telling this to my OB at my 6-week appt. “Oh yes, rectal incontinance is very common in post-partum women…” Really? Might have wanted to know that little nugget 9 months ago. But you know what I love? That you soldiered on and went on shopping anyway. Good for you!

  18. We’ve all gambled and lost at one time or another, and to those who say they haven’t… they’re lying.

  19. I’m dying! I’m laughing so hard my crazy neighbor is going to think I’m plotting something.

    Seriously! Hysterical!

  20. Oh I will fully admit that I’ve had your experience, Jen. And mine wasn’t even after childbirth. It was (to tie in to Stef’s comment) after a long night of drinking. Not. pretty. Okay, so now that that’s out there…Thank you for this laugh today and for being totally hilarious and honest! Love ya girl.

  21. C-Sections. They really aren’t that bad. :)

  22. “Bravery is farting when you have diarrhea.” As a runner, there’s something about it that just really cleans out my system. It’s a bad combination when you’ve accidentally tied your running shorts string in a knot. So, yeah, been there.

  23. Ok, I admit it. Jerk.

  24. I’m dying at Cortney’s comment…

    And I’m no liar.

  25. I’ve never meet Jen before, and boy I was missing something!!

    While I’ve never had a accident that involved solids, after three children I can pee myself with the slightest movement sometimes. A sneeze, a cough, a jumping jack. I should own stock in the feminine napkin company of my choice.

  26. Ever taken the fat blocker drug Alli? The prescription version was MUCH stronger and called Xenical. It had a little side-effect called “anal leakage”. Kinda like those weird Olestra chips.

    Anyway, let’s just say you CANNNOT fart with confidence while taking them. Oh, and to make it more fun…you shit pure fat, and it’s orange!

  27. I got wheeled to the OR after delivering my 1st baby because that’s how much sewing I needed. And 6 weeks later I had an anal ultrasound and a ticket to a scheduled c-section for baby #2. So I too can count the times I’ve pooped my pants post-baby. not as many as an anal ultrasound would lead you to believe though! Yay?

  28. See, I was a c-section, so no post-baby poop. Though I HAVE wet my pants… several times. Maybe less smelly, but equally uncomfortable.

  29. Sorry, never pooped myself. But pee, well that’s a whole nother story. I should have opted for two spools of thread ;)

  30. I have lost the ability to control farts. This is why I can never be in an office setting again. SCORE!

  31. This is where having two caesarians becomes a good thing. No loss of muscle tone down there, just the overhang third belly flopping over the 4 inch scar.
    Love your honesty.

    M2M

  32. OK this post was AWESOME!!! That photo still has me laughing. :)

  33. I gave birth to two 10lb babies and now have a raging case of IBS. My name is also Jen and I’m a frequent pants-pooper. Oh, and I love this other Jen with all my heart.

  34. I’m more of a peeing all over the place type of gal, so I can relate in a way. But I always love a good poop story, so thank you, and good night.

  35. Wendy @ mama one to three says:

    I was so hoping for this kind of post when I saw the title. You are indeed funny and brave. I am in the peeing-myself-on-many-occasions camp, but no one here will judge you! It happens… Awesome picture.

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