things are gonna change…i can feel it

We have a little kitchen timer on our fridge.

Cort picked it up when we started to do time-outs with Eddie over a year ago.

It is set for 2 minutes…since he is 2 years old.

When he goes to time-out, he knows we will push start and he will sit until it beeps.

The time slowly ticks down until the beep.  Then he gets up, tells me he is sorry and we hug.

Since becoming pregnant, I feel like there is a small kitchen timer in my heart set to 31 weeks.

That my time with Eddie being my little buddy are limited.

In that logical part of my brain, I know he will always be my first born.  He will always be my miracle.  He will always be the one who made me a mommy.

But that logical part of my brain is getting all squeezed out lately by my pregnancy hormones, my emotional heart, and a small case of the pregnancy dumbs.

My logic has been edged out.

I can only think of how he is not a baby anymore.  How he is about to be a Big Brother.  How the world he knows as safe and lovely is about to get a big change that we can’t possibly fully prepare him for.

There are many, many days (more than not, I am ashamed to say), that I question why we did this.

Eddie has us to himself.

In 31 weeks, he will have to share.

He shares well with other kids…but he has never shared his Ma Ma or Da-ee before.

Will he fall in love with this new edition?

Or will he fill with resentment?

Will the transition be easy or difficult?

It feels like I just managed to find my way with Eddie.  To be able to find the right groove.

And now that will be messed up.

I don’t want to lose my little boy.

And I know I won’t…but why does it feel like I will?

This week’s prompt was to write about change.  Change, in general, gives me anxiety.
Even good change.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
About Katie

Just a small town girl...wait no. That is a Journey song. Katie Sluiter is a small town girl, but she is far from living in a lonely world. She is a middle school English teacher, writer, mother, and wife. Life has thrown her a fair share of challenges, but her belief is that writing through them makes her stronger.

Comments

  1. Every day I’m amazed at how much my daughter has grown and changed since she came into this world 2.5 years ago. I often wonder how I’m going to manage her needs along with a newborn when her little sister arrives. I often wonder if I’m crazy to shake up our good life so much with this addition, to set myself back 2 years and start over. But I know that once this hell known as pregnancy is over, it will all be worth it to hold that baby in my arms, to see my daughter hold her little sister and shower her with kisses, and in a year or so, it will even make me smile to see them fight and express themselves.

    You’re not alone. It is worth it.

  2. We brought home our second when my first was 26 months old. I was terrified because Braxton was our WHOLE world. He was spoiled rotten, and Im not ashamed to admit it. But I am here to tell you that 10 months later, their bond makes me SO happy I did it. The love my boys have for eachother is amazing. They are the best of friends and always together. I think the best thing you can do is constantly talk about the new baby as if he/she is a person. Braxton knew his brother’s name and knew he was in my belly. I think your right, you can never fully prepare them but by making it seem like not such a big deal, I think it helps them cope. Good luck dealing with the mama guilt. I had it bad too. It does get better when you bring your oldest in to see his new brother/sister for the first time. Seeing my babies together was the best moment of my life.

  3. You’re tuggin’ at my heartstrings with this post. I have no advice, my only child being furry and four-legged and all. 🙂 But it’s my experience that family trumps all, and you guys are all going to be just fine.

  4. Aww Sweetie as the mom of 3 boys I feel you. Each time I felt like the last one was losing part of my time. I also had it scheduled it seemed that about the time they went to school for Preschool I would have another little one at home to fill my time with. That made it so much harder because they often felt like I had replaced them with the new baby and I had many too sick for school days. It does get easier. I promise

  5. You will do this beautifully, though not always easily. Because you have love and love is beautiful but not always easy.

    And Eddie? Eddie will be brilliant!

  6. You’ve said before that something you love about blogging is that it connects you with other people who are feeling the same thing you are. This post was that for me, as I’ve been battling the same thing (proof? I wrote about it on my blog at http://catchingzees.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-struggle.html!!!). Thanks for being willing to put your thoughts out there. Wish I had some comforting words…maybe I will once li’l #2 arrives 🙂 But for now, it’s comforting to ME to know you’re feeling the same thing… Thanks!

  7. Oops..if you decide to follow that link, get those darn !!!!!’s out of the web address…sorry! 🙂

  8. I felt this way a LOT during my second pregnancy. For me, the idea of kid #1 having to share was actually a lot of why we DECIDED to have kid #2. We felt that things were absolutely perfect, but that it would actually be better for kid #1 if he grew up having to share his parents with a sibling, not having the world (or at least our worlds) revolve only around him. With only kid #1, the world DID revolve solely around him. It was something we WANTED to teach him. But that didn’t make it a lick easier. Did I mention things were perfect before I got pregnant? Why on earth were we risking perfection? What if the baby wasn’t perfect? Kid #1 had been so easy? What if kid #2 wasn’t? What if we weren’t as good at parenting 2 as we were at parenting 1? Oh the doubts went on and on. (And on.) Kid #2 is 11 months old now. I have to say that my relationship with kid #1 has definitely changed. It was actually hardest DURING the pregnancy. Near the end I could do almost nothing fun with the kid and he became dependent on Daddy for playtime. And during that time, he would say (many, many times): I like Daddy more than Mommy. I totally “got it” but boy did it break my heart. Now we’re back to being buds again, and all is right with the world. And nothing beats the way I feel when I see him dote on his baby brother: protect him, feed him, bring him a toy or a pacifier when he’s crying. They will always have each other, even after we are gone. And I am oh so glad we decided on two instead of one.

  9. Yes it will change. I cried about it. A lot. When Nichole was kind enough to have me over to post a Small Moment, I wrote about this. I’m not saying you should run over and read it now, but it might help your heart a little bit.

    xo

  10. I had the hardest time with the second child, it was such an unknown thing. It is a gift though, and even though it might not seem like it for a long while, it’s a gift to your oldest to have someone to share you with. Obviously this wont make you feel better, but actually having the baby will so just hang on and wait for the timer to go off! Time out will be over soon!

  11. There will definitely be some bumps in the road. There may be some tantrums, some regressions, some screaming matches…but it will pass. And before you know it Eddie will be back to his old self, except he’ll be a big brother.

    My daughter never lashed out at her little brother, but definitely pulled some attention getting stunts. That was usually my signal to spend a little one on one time with her.

    I felt the same way at times when I was pregnant with my second. But I always tried to remember that one day, hopefully in the very distant future, I will be gone. My husband will be gone and my children will have one another to lean on, protect, stand next to, hug, call, laugh with, etc, etc, etc.

    I think that’s the main reason any of us have more than one.

    Hugs for you.

  12. Katie – you’re going to be fine. I went through the same with CJ & Leila . . . I often wonder if I’ve cheated my little boy, giving him a little sibling when he was only 7 months old. He’s never going to remember being the “big boy.”

    And, neither of them will really feel like “the baby.” Heck, now that she’s walking, it’s getting harder & harder to tell the differences between their ages.

    There will be hiccups, to be sure, but if Eddie is anything like you, you’re going to have a fiercely protective older brother who is going to love having a playmate.

  13. You’ll be just fine and so will Eddie. All my kids are close in age and each adjusted well to the other being added. Even Sean who never does well with change. I combated Sean’s temporary jealousness with having him help me with Bridge. He’d bring me diapers and wipes for changing. Burp clothes or tv remote when I was nursing. By the time Meg arrived Sean was an expert at being a big bother and would even pick her up out of the play pen after naps, even though I discouraged him from this. They are all now 9, 6, and 4. Sean is very protective of his sisters, meaning he’s the only one allowed to pick on em. It’ll be a new adventure for sure but y’all will be just fine. =)

  14. I have to say, what you convey is exactly how I felt.

    I found out I was pregnant when my oldest boy was just 6 months old. He was just walking when he became a big brother. I was full of the same sense of loss, trepidation, anxiety.

    When the baby came, it got worse at first. Everyone was in transition and I had serious hormonal shifts.

    But then, it got so much better. They are brothers now. They sleep in the same room. They hold hands. They have each other even if I’m not there, even if God forbid something happens to me. They kiss each other and miss each other if the other is elsewhere.

    Just keep telling yourself this, and know that it’s the truth. The greatest gift you can ever give a child is a sibling. Know that with every ounce of yourself. It WILL be okay. You are giving him a family.

  15. I wish I could tell you how it’s going to feel, but the things about having twins is that I’m never going to know what it’s like to have another baby.

    But I want to tell you that just because you are aware enough to know there will be a change is enough for you to be an amazing mom…..things are always going to be in flux, but if you just roll with it and allow it to unfold the way it should, you’re going to be ok.

    I am thinking of you and holding you in my heart….it’s really going to be ok…more than ok, it’s going to be great, because it’s going to be YOUR FAMILY. xo

  16. Katie, I totally get this…you know I do. And I could have just as easily pictured a life with only my son, moving forward as a little family of three. And I had no idea how I could possibly have enough love for that second one, even though I couldn’t wait to find out.

    And when I first saw him with her? Absolutely knew he needed her as much as we did.

    My son is a better person because of his sister; they compliment each other with their very different personalities. And their bond will keep them together long after their father and I are gone.

    Love this.

  17. TheNextMartha says

    I never loved my son more then watching him love and care for his brother. You will see. You will love.

  18. Because going from 1 to 2 is huge. It shifts the family dynamic so much. It makes him a sibling. It trims down the arms you have for him from 2 to 1. My son was my buddy, and I stared at him my entire 2nd pregnancy thinking “WTF?”. This is normal.
    because he will crawl up onto the bed when he comes to meet his little brother/sister and kiss him/her and then you’ll all meld together in love once more and forget that it was once just the 3 of you.

  19. I totally hear you. I felt many of the same things about having #2 but because there is a 3 year age difference between them I think that Nathan gets it that he has a sister and sometimes has to share. I think that the transition was much more traumatic for me….and in some ways still is. Hang in there, I think in the end everything will work out okay. Eddie will probably love being a big brother and you won’t have to worry about anything.

  20. Things are going to defnitey going to change but for the better. Just wait. 🙂

  21. As I commented on someone’s else’s post on the same topic – a sibling is one of the greatest gifts you can give your child.

    Sawyer was 21 months old when Sage was born. He does not remember a time when she WASN’T around. And, now, the two of them barely remember when X wasn’t around.

    Your heart has enough room. You will be amazed at how much it will expand.

    xo

  22. We found out we were adopting a second baby when my oldest was 15 months old. You might be thinking, but hey, you planned it that way! But we didn’t. Our son’s birth mom became pregnant with a second and we found out with 7 weeks left utnil her due date. I was both thrilled and angry. And I was worried about J, who like Eddie, had been the center of our world. As I wrote about for today’s prompt, we’d had miscarriages, done the infertility thing, he was one very wanted kid. And it was really hard on him when we brought his baby brother home. But you know what? They’re 19 months apart and they don’t know life without each other. Most of the time they are BFFs. Sometimes Jay will say, “i don’t want to share mommy.” And I’m glad he can say it. But he’s still my bud. I take them out on “mommy dates” alone. Just one on one time with each boy and mom. I make time so that everybody gets buddy time. It’s really hard at first, but it works out. You’ll see. Yes, its a change, but its an awesome one. Especially when you see them loving each other.

  23. If you listen closely, you might still be able to hear the whispers and giggles of my girl and boy this past weekend as they shared a bedroom together at my parents’ house in Palm Desert.

    He was 24 months old when she was born. It rocked his world, I won’t lie. A part of him couldn’t believe I would do that to him…

    And yet.

    She is his first friend. His best friend. They turn to each other, they play, they fight, they love.

    Like no other.

    There is protection and laughter and jealousy and then above all a fierce closeness. No one else knows what it’s like to be a child in this family. They share the same house, experiences, parents. They share.

    After the baby is born and Eddie looks huge and older suddenly and you worry what you may have stolen from yourself or from him, remember this:

    You have made for him a partner in this world. That trumps everything else.

  24. I know EXACTLY how you feel right now, I really do. I had a friend tell me when I was pregnant with the twins to look at it this way: Eddie had you to himself for an entire 2 years…and Baby #2 will never have that. So you should feel thankful that you had that special time with him instead of like you are giving something up 🙂

    xoxxoxo

  25. Someone gave me a card years ago that said something I immediately memorized and have leaned on in times when the path is unclear,and when tides of fear flood in:

    “When I come to the end of all the light I know, and I am about to step out into the darkness of the unknown, ‘faith’ is knowing that one of two things will happen: Either there will be something solid to stand on, or I will be taught how to fly.”

    <3

  26. Going from 1 to 2 is so hard for this very reason. He will be fine, even if he has to endure a few bumps along the way. And the sibling relationship is a beautiful thing. I love it – most days. 🙂

  27. I totally remember feeling this when I was pregnant with my second child. The unknown is just really hard. But once your precious baby is born Ethan is going to see how much you love him/her and he will follow suit. I promise.

  28. My daughter had those fears. The grandson was 2 when the granddaughter arrived. He totally ignored her. Wouldn’t share a lap with her. Got granny with his toys.

    He also asked where’s the baby if he didn’t see her. Baby’s crying. Baby’s sleeping, hungry, tired, etc.

    Now he entertains her. They both laugh hysterically when he shows off for her. He’ll let her touch his toys (as long as he’s not playing with them). He’s growing up. He’s becoming a big brother. And she idolizes him already.

  29. Just catching up on your posts, and I wanted to say this really struck a cord with me.

    We are starting TTC number two in.three.weeks. And I have these thoughts daily. They keep me up at night. I keep questioning whether or not I want to go through with it all, but then I think that if I don’t, then I’ll always feel like something was missing.

    I was so very relieved to read that you feel the same way – it made me feel so much less alone.

Trackbacks

  1. […] wrote about a change that is approaching in things are gonna change…I can feel it.  (bonus points if you know what song she swiped that title […]