struggling

I’m struggling.

When I got back from BlogHer all I wanted to do was sleep.

And not in the way where you are sort of kidding.  All my body wanted to do was sleep.

Then I found out I can’t eat Chinese food anymore.

And I realized I lost some of my favorite jewelry from Silversmyth, Twenty Five Design, and The Vintage Pearl among others on my trip.

And since then I’ve been hard pressed to get off the couch.

Or out of bed.

I don’t remember the first trimester with Eddie being this…bad.

I know I threw up a lot and was exhausted after a day of work.

But I don’t remember feeling like I didn’t want to do anything.

I don’t want to blog.

I don’t want to tweet.

I don’t want to go places.

I don’t want to eat.

I don’t want to have to care for Eddie.

I don’t want to get my house ready for friends to come over.

I don’t want to shower.

I don’t want to get out of bed or off the couch.

I constantly punk out on stuff I am supposed to do…like answer emails or get groceries…because of lack of energy.

I feel like I am putting so much on Cort right now, and I hate that.

I don’t feel like part of the team, I feel like dead weight.

I know I am blessed to be pregnant at all.  I do.  And I hate that I am whining.

I know growing this human is a lot of work, but I feel like it has sucked who I am completely dry.

I am just a shell of Katie making it through my day somehow.

Eddie and Cort deserve better.

My friends deserve better.

You deserve better.

But right now?  I just can’t.

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About Katie

Just a small town girl...wait no. That is a Journey song. Katie Sluiter is a small town girl, but she is far from living in a lonely world. She is a middle school English teacher, writer, mother, and wife. Life has thrown her a fair share of challenges, but her belief is that writing through them makes her stronger.

Comments

  1. Thinking of you, my friend. Sleep. Do what you need to.

  2. I’m sorry. Don’t beat yourself up. Just listen to your body and do what you need to do and know that you’ll be back in the swing of things at some point. And we’ll still be here. 🙂

  3. It’s not your fault! This too shall pass. Maybe next month will get better. Take care of yourself. No guilt. Okay?

  4. This is what I know. I worked full time with my first daughter and managed to do it all with just a modicum of fatigue. Then, I got pregnant with daughter number two. I was now a stay at home mommy. My husband would leave for work and I’d be sprawled out on the couch, listlessly watching my daughter play and keep herself entertained. He’d come home in the evening and I’d be there on that couch. He would always laugh and say, “Did you move today?” And with the third girl, I was even more of a walking shell.

    Your body is gestating a human being. That’s about the biggest work there is. Working with a jackhammer all day is probably less exhausting. Give yourself a break. You’re doing important work. And everyone in your family will be fine if you spend your days putting your feet up. My 20 year old daughter is a straight A student, successfully living on her own up at college. And that means those months I spent on the couch didn’t damage her. Now, go, rest. It does a body good.

  5. With my second baby, I had a similar problem–overwhelming lethargy. I couldn’t fathom why because I hadn’t felt so incredibly tired with my first baby. After a couple of weeks, I decided the only possible explanation was that my second baby was going to be a girl. I had heard boys were so much easier than girls and my son had been fairly easy. Turns out, I was right. My second baby was a girl and she has given me more challenges than her brother since conception! Thank goodness!! Perhaps this reasoning will hold out for you as well.

  6. No apologies lady! Listen to your body and don’t feel guilty about doing what you need to do (or not do, in this case) to grow that healthy bambino! I hope you feel better soon!

  7. Oh Katie, I’m sorry.

    I was EXHAUSTED at the beginning of my second pregnancy. I think some of it was that I had more on my plate. When I was pregnant with Abbey, it was summer, and I had a very part time teaching job during my first trimester. I would take three hours naps after being awake for three hours. With Dylan, that option wasn’t really there, and I was just BEAT. And that time, it was summer and I didn’t even have a part time job, but I could have napped for 5 hours at a time if I didn’t have a one year old to watch.

    Mine got better in the second trimester, but I was still exhausted.

    You are NOT a burden to your family; pregnancy is amazing, but it’s also tough, and you need to take care of yourself, too.

  8. Thinking of you, my friend.

    Also? I have been the EXACT same way since coming home from BlogHer. So (if it makes you feel any better), it may not be all pregnancy. It could just be the post-BlogHer blues.

    • I was just about to say the same thing. I think my brain and body are juuust beginning to even start working somewhat normally again. This year was way exhausting. Love you lady!!

  9. I would like to hug you. Like now.
    Things will get better, you’re doing the world’s toughest job right now, it’s okay to not be mary sunshine all the time.
    I say so.
    <3

  10. Awww Katie…you need some love. I think it’s harder being pregnant with number 2 because you have a little one to care fo. With number 1, you can sleep whenever you want and lay around without feeling guilty. So I think the fatique doesn’t show as much. With number 2 you feel the burden of cleaning a house, because a kid is messing it up…and cooking dinner, because a kid needs to eat…and playing, because a kid needs to be entertained.

    Try not to be too hard on yourself. It’s tough what you’re doing, and all that you’ve said about Cort? He’s awesome and probably really glad to do it all.

    Take care of yourself right now and try to get Eddie to read lots of books and snuggle with mama. Toddler kisses make everything better.

    HUGS!!!

  11. Now that I’ve hit the 3rd trimester, I’m feeling much the same. I do WANT to get up and dressed and get breakfast, but after that? I want to hold down the couch. It feels like nothing is getting done and I’m failing my daughter. I don’t have the energy or patience to leave the house unless absolutely necessary, the amount of anxiety it causes is ridiculous. And it doesn’t help that in my mind I keep thinking, at this point in my first pregnancy, I was still working full time which seems far more physically stressful to me than coloring and playing with blocks and reading books at home with my daughter.

    You’re not alone. Make small goals (even if it’s just to shower and put on clean jammies) and it’ll help.

  12. With my first pregnancy, no one depended on me, so I could go to work, come home, and sleep on the couch all evening if I wanted to. My second pregnancy, even though I wasn’t as sick, I felt sooooo tired. Coming home from work, I couldn’t just sleep on the couch or go to bed…I had a little person waiting to play with me. It was hard…but I made it through it, and you will too. Hang in there!

  13. Dear Katie. I am struggling too. It is nice to have someone who doesn’t feel like blogging since coming home from blogher. I don’t either. In fact, I haven’t. The only reason I have a post on Monday is because I scheduled it before I left.

    I didn’t do well at blogher. I’m not doing well at all. Being in San Diego, alone, amplified my symptoms of depression. I don’t know where to go next or what to do.

    I want to blog about what happened. But I think no one would want to hear it.

    Anyway, I hope you start feeling better. First tri is always difficult. The exhaustion is like no other.

    I felt much like you describe during my second pregnancy. I finally realized it wasn’t normal since I was 21 weeks and knew I needed to be medicated and go back to therapy. When I did things got better pretty quickly.

  14. I was like that with my first pregnancy. I didn’t want to do ANYTHING. It’s frustrating and exhausting and not fun at all. Praying for you! Hopefully you find some energy soon!

  15. Andrea (@a_chaplin) says

    i just wanted to say that the best part about being a team in your marriage is that sometimes one partner picks up the slack and carries the other when they need it. and that’s OK. do what you can to hang in there. thinking of you!

  16. Don’t beat yourself up. Seriously don’t. Your body is telling you something. Listen. In a year from now you won’t even really remember this part and Eddie certainly won’t. Your husband won’t either because men are wired that way. Do what you need to do, this is just a drop in the bucket of how long your life is. Take it easy, being pregnant is rough.

  17. Oh Katie, I’m sorry you’re struggling!

    Wish I could say something great that would help, but I got nothing – other than reiterating was some of the other commenters said.

    Don’t beat yourself up for being wiped out. It’s your body’s way of telling you you need the rest.

    Feel better soon.

  18. Sometimes ya gotta take care of you. Get some good sleep. If that doesn’t work, go get a prenatal massage. If that doesn’t work, talk to the doc.

    Hang in there buddy!

    *Amoeba hugs*

  19. a lot of that is normal first trimester stuff. but if it doesn’t pass? we’ve got your back and you know how and where to get help.
    no guilt. guilt is the worst. everyone is rooting for you and everyone will be here when you feel better.
    priority right now? that pea growing inside you. Listen to your body mama!

  20. Kate,
    I feel you. There are great biological reasons why you don’t want to get off the couch. I know that doesn’t help. But Eddie won’t be scarred by this or even remember this part. And Cory and Eddie get lots of chances to do things for you, which is a great life lesson for your soon to internalize slowly. Also its good practice for moms to ask for help. Feel better soon. Sea Bands can help with the nausea, though like you I’m a fan of Zofran.

  21. I remember feeling that exact same way during my first trimester. I didn’t have another child, a job, blogging, or an exhausting trip….don’t beat yourself up or feel bad. Some pregnancies are more draining than others, and it is okay for you to give into those feelings and stay on the couch, if that is what you need. Your friends understand, and I’m sure your family does too.

  22. My pregnancy with my 6yo was perfect: a little nausea the 1st trimester, some tiredness and aches, then i had a kid.
    My pregnancy with my 4yo was awful: I was on Zofran to ease the puking before I was a month along (and you know THAT side effect). I had migraines the whole time, plus a litany of other issues.
    It is hard to say, since I was totally there, but try not to compare pregnancies. They are all so different, every day.
    You do a lot as a woman, as Katie. This is hard on your average person, never mind a pregnant one.
    Take a breath, listen to your body. Everyone knows that what you physically can’t deal with right now has nothing to do with where your heart truly lies. They will understand.
    And as I said in my email, i have lots of information if you need any with the pukey stuff. Take care.

  23. Rest.

    Do what you need to do to keep you and your little bean well and safe.

    We will still be here when you start feeling better! 😉

  24. Aw, Kate…rest and relax. Take a breath. Don’t let those feeling overwhelm you..blogging can wait (but we will miss you). Maybe it is the end of summer thing, or like others said the end of blogher thing. I love the support you have above…and right here. I know you little, but care a lot. I hope this wave moves over and past you quickly. But while it is here…float, relax and keep your eyes on the good stuff coming! This is the first I have posted in two weeks!

  25. You do what your body tells you to do… We, as moms tend to be so hard on ourselves…we are usually the caregivers, not the receivers…
    Although I didn’t have a 2 nd pregnancy, the chemo and radiation I went through when Lily was still under a year sucked the life from me, I had to rely on so many others, sometimes to just get through a DAY. So pop that zofran.. And know it will end.. I’m saying a prayer for you, my friend.. Just take care of YOU.. We will all still be here 🙂

  26. I just wanted to say, please don’t be too hard on yourself. If you need to sleep then sleep. I am feeling exactly the same and have only just started communicating with the world again. We will still be here when ur feeling more human again XxX

  27. Hey You! Take care of yourself first and foremost. While your little Eddie may not get it (I know my Sean was hard pressed to when I was pregnant w/both his sisters and Bridge too when I was pregnant w/Meg and on bed rest both times) but he loves you and he’ll instinctively know that you love him and just aren’t feeling well right now. As for your hubby, I’m sure he understands. I know mine did and he probably called 50 times a day to be sure I was ok. No worries about the lack of blogging or social media. We’ll still be here for ya. Hope that jumble of words made sense. Here’s to better days and feeling more like you soon! ((((HUGS))))

  28. Your not doing nothing, your body is growing a baby. Right now, that’s taking a lot of your energy. You’re still part of a team, you just have a different goal right now. Be gentle on yourself, listen to your body and respond to what it needs. If that is doing nothing, then do nothing. My first pregnancy was wonderful, typical nausea stuff in the first trimester but never got sick. There was the extreme fatigue but I could come home from work and just rest and not have to worry about anyone else. My second and third pregnancies were horrible. I was sick through 21 weeks with my second and 26-27 weeks with my third, constantly tired. For the record, I had all three boys.

    I think it’s also the mental fatigue that can get to you. The worrying that you aren’t doing the same things for your child as you were doing just a few short weeks ago, and until your belly starts to grow it’s really hard for a child to understand that you are growing another human being in your tummy.

    Take a deep breath, rest when you need it, and it’s okay to rely on your husband and others during this time. There is no way they can do your job for you, so let them help in other ways. ((HUGS))

  29. Oh Katie, I SO know this feeling. You are not alone. you can make it through. You’re growing a human, it’s ok to need help. I know it’s hard. Really I do. Sending you hugs, love and strength

  30. Oh mama… that first trimester is rough. Couple it with an awesome trip that exceeded your wildest dreams I get it! Hang in there…it will all be worth it! And if I know Cort (which I don’t really but feel like I do) he doesn’t mind. That’s because he is your husband and Eddie’s dad and he can carry the load for a while! Hugs lady!

  31. I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time. Soon the first trimester will be over and you’ll start feeling more like yourself (hopefully). Until then, please don’t apologize. You’re making a human being for god’s sake. Do it the best way you know how and are capable of.

    Sending lots of mustache hugs your way, sweet thing. xoxo

  32. I am so sorry you are feeling this way. This was me too during my first trimester, not wanting to move or eat anything or do anything. And the nagging fear that this is how it will always be from now on. But it won’t be, you will have good days again. Hugs.

  33. I totally felt that way with my second child. It was horrible! Before I even knew I was pregnant I was like WTF is going on!! Utterly drained. It will let up.

  34. Oh Kate…you already know what I’m going to say, don’t you!?! I don’t know why I always have to say it. After 27 years of knowing each other, I would think you could just hear my voice/see my typed words. But here it goes…of course you’re tired! You’re growing a person!!! It’s not too much to put extra things on Cort. Just like when he lost his job, you were there to help and support him. That’s what a marriage is. Yes, its a partnership and a partnership doesn’t mean always splitting everything in half, its leaning on each other when you can’t stand by yourself. Don’t forget, you are doing pretty amazing work for your family by growing this little person.

  35. Hi Katie. First of all, congratulations on your pregnancy! I seriously must be the least observant woman in the world, because I just now found out when I read your post. Anyhooo, sorry you’re feeling tired and drained. You know things will be better in a couple months, don’t you? For one, it’ll be the 2nd trimester, and that one is the fun one. Secondly, you’ll have your stride by then and your hunger will come back with a vengeance. So not to worry…..about us especially. We will always be here. Just take care of you. Relax…..well as much as you can relax with a small child. I’m looking forward to your “pregnant” stories in the upcoming weeks. But, not now…..just when you’re ready!
    Hugs, Mommy To Be. You’re awesome.
    T

  36. The first trimester of my 2nd pregnancy was significantly harder than my first, so I understand completely. I also think it’s different because once you have one little one in the house, the ability to disconnect and JUST SLEEP if you need to is so much harder – literally and emotionally.

    Good luck – I’ll be thinking about you. And know this time won’t go on forever – that (usually) glorious 2nd trimester will arrive soon!

  37. Dude I’m not growing a human and I am the biggest sloth there is. I haz the lazies big time. Shawn says “Umm…you look beautiful today?” and that’s at 6pm when I’m still in 3 day old PJ’s. I know, I’m a saucy fox.
    Know that I love you and am here for you always. I won’t judge you if you haven’t brushed your teeth. I may ask you to, but I won’t judge…hee hee

  38. I could have written this post (well not as eloquently but the gist would have been the same) about six weeks ago or so. The first tri with this (my 2nd) pregnancy was so much worse than the last. so much so that I was googling prenatal depression on a near-daily basis. when I could find the motivation for even that. we took a trip as a family and I stayed in the hotel room for most of it. But here’s the thing: It got better. Despite my feeling like it never would. It has. hang in there.

  39. I feel the same way! This is my second pregnancy (my first is 2.5 years old now) and I feel like death pretty much all the time. I’m 12 weeks (and change) so we’re on the same schedule pretty much. My first pregnancy was so easy compared to this. No sickness, I was tired but not in an incapacitating way, I felt like me for the most part. Now..I don’t want to do anything. Luckily I have a guy that will do all the work he can and not complain, my mother is in town this summer and has been helping watch the toddler, and the toddler is being very kind to me. Still….I don’t want to do ANYTHING. ((Hugs)) I hope it clears up quickly for you and for me!

  40. Thank you for your honesty. You are amazing (clearly, I’m just catching up).