the least

I fear that I’m ordinary, just like everyone*

I excel at mediocrity.

I am incredibly average.

My life is extraordinarily ordinary.

To lie here and die among the sorrows

Most of my life I have been searching for my gift.

In my head?  I am a rock star, an actress, a best-selling writer.

In reality?  I am an average wife, a mediocre mom, an amateur writer.

Time heals but I’m forever broken

We’ve had joys, but others have enjoyed more.

We’ve had sorrows, but others have experienced worse.

At least you have Eddie.

At least you have your home.

At least Cort has a job now.

At least you have your summers off.

At least you have each other…your family.

At least your sorrows aren’t as great as others.

At least there are perks in your life.

At least you are…ordinary.  typical.

average.

Really, Katie…you are so lucky.  Quit being so sad and frustrated.  Other people have it way worse than you.

At least you don’t have their problems.

*************

My love story with Cort?  Is not ordinary.  And I have a post about it up at  Studio30 Plus .

Also up today?  Another giveaway on the sponsor page.  awesome?  yes.  yes, it is.

*************

*lyrics from Muzzle by The Smashing Pumpkins
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About Katie

Just a small town girl...wait no. That is a Journey song. Katie Sluiter is a small town girl, but she is far from living in a lonely world. She is a middle school English teacher, writer, mother, and wife. Life has thrown her a fair share of challenges, but her belief is that writing through them makes her stronger.

Comments

  1. you are ANYTHING but ordinary.
    but what a achingly lovely post. I love that in your head you’re a “rock star, an actress, a best-selling writer” because OMG, me too!…and I thought I was the only freak show that felt that way. 😉
    those of us that follow you here know you’re an exceptional wife, a rock star mama and a writer to be reckoned with. hang in there, I’m pretty sure we all feel this way sometimes. But only the not-ordinary among us can find the words to express it so eloquently.

  2. I relate so much to what you said about being one thing in your head and another thing in reality.

    I have a lot of ordinary going on in my life….but there are glimpses of extraordinary every so often that keep me going.

  3. I have a complex.

    My sister has a PhD.

    My 2nd brother went to Stanford and he’s been brilliant all his life.

    My eldest brother achieved a First Class Honors in his degree in England.

    I have an Honors Degree, not first class. I was very average in school. I never won awards or prizes.

    I know right? It’s so silly, to compare myself to them. We are sooo different. My abilities lie elsewhere. I just wish I knew where.

    So I completely relate Katie. I have lots to be thankful for. But in my head? I wish I was more. Sometimes.

    Hugs to you. xoxo

  4. I completely relate to this. I constantly wish I was so much more, always beating myself up for who I am. But in reality? I have a lot to be thankful for.

  5. I understand this completely. I have visions of doing something great with my life, of changing the world, and they all same to fall flat.

    But. But. As a mom and a teacher you are probably in the absolute BEST position to change the world. Sometimes it’s about how you do the small things. And one day, you’ll open up a book at the bookstore, and one of your students will have dedicated it to you, and you’ll realize just what a rockstar you really are.

  6. Ooooo. This is exactly what I was thinking! …Just not in so many words, obviously. You are a rock star writer, I can tell you that much for sure. I found you… I don’t remember how, but I’m stoked that I did! 🙂

    Your newest follower for the moment…
    ~E

  7. Ahaha sorry I have to add, since you don’t know me and my quirks yet, I meant you’ll have another follower in no time. Thus the “for the moment.” But I’m positive I’ll be following as long as you’re leading! =)

  8. TheNextMartha says

    What? I like you. If I like you then you can’t be ordinary. Trust me. I know ordinary.

  9. I can completely relate to this. Quite often I am so much more in my head. But when I go out and about in the real world, I am suddenly disappointed and yearn for more.

  10. I don’t think you’re ordinary at all. Your blog is a gift to many, including me. It’s part of my morning routine. I love your words and your stories. You have a gift.

    But I completely understand your feelings. I often feel ordinary and invisible. I’m way more in my head than I am in reality.

    And although, I’m sure those people are well-meaning, don’t let anyone tell you something is not worth your feeling. I got that so much while my husband was unemployeed, and after my miscarriage.

    “Well at least you have a job…you should be happy about that.”

    “Well at least you weren’t very far along…that makes a big difference. Be thankful.”

    You have every right to grieve, feel sad, feel happy, feel neglected, feel overlooked, feel elated – whenever that feeling strikes you. I try never to say those things to people. A feeling is a feeling, it’s hard to “just get over it because you’ve got it better than others.”

    Hugs to you.

  11. You have had a rough week…being bashed about by some waves. Come on up and float above your circumstances, see that sun shining down. Others are right, we all have days…weeks…months like these.
    You have made an impact on many, and your life is by no means ordinary.
    However, when we are in the midst of grief and strong desires are buried again….it is okay to feel it. Just don’t stay there.
    I believe in prayer…and you are among mine.

  12. Hey you. You know what you’re doing here? You’re getting all “mewed up [in] your heaviness” and selling yourself short.

    In short, YOU are your reality. So if YOU believe you are a rock-star, you are. And nothing else matters.

    And if you don’t believe those things about yourself, you should. Because you are.

    You? Are amazing. You are passionate. You are good. You are anything but ordinary.

  13. great post! The truth is we are all some kind of average in the scope of this world. I spend time with my son on this. (Not necessarily taking back my words of his awesomeness, ahem) Having said that, you are extraordinary every day. I see that. You are doing it, keep going and I think what you are looking for will come. Patience may be required. (excuse typos computer busted so on phone, using old eyes, eek)

  14. You aren’t average… You are YOU! We can’t compare ourselves to others, as hard as that is. Trust me, there are people out there who look up to you.

  15. Mrs.Sluiter I had you for spanish. And you were full of energy, And made the class fun! Your smile brightend my day believe it or not, So you are anything but ordinary!! 😀

  16. You can write. well. Like in a way that makes me read your stuff over and over again. That’s not ordinary.

    I have this same feeling though. Katie. I work out, yet I lake so gains physically. Work is mundane. Then i read what I write and think, you know, I have something here.

    Maybe you should see what me and these other commenters see – a talented lady.

  17. I grew up anything but ordinary. I always tried so hard to fit in. Now my life is very ordinary, and I love it. It takes just a little bit of instability to make you passionate about what you have. I know that ordinary can be difficult, but it’s the most amazing gift you can give your children.

  18. I’ll take your “ordinary” over a zillion people’s extraordinary, my friend.. xo

  19. Oh. That comment from Brianna?

    That just made my day on your behalf.

    I LOVE stuff like that from ex-students.

    From out of nowhere.

    Reminding you you’re not the least. bit. ordinary.

  20. Sometimes we all feel plain, blah. Need a little boost. This is me giving you that boost – girl, you are incredibly un-ordinary. Love ya!

  21. I don’t think you are “ordinary”. Your writing is honest and reaches so many of us in thousands of ways. And your teaching? I bet you will never know the ways you have affected those who pass through your classroom.

    You are not ordinary to Cort.

    You will never be ordinary to Eddie.

    Sometimes I wish for the extraordinary. Then I see a story about something tragic, and I think “please God, if we can just be ordinary but happy and healthy, please let that be enough”. And I mean it in that moment, but time passes, and I start yearning for something more. It’s an endless give and take for me.

    The extraordinary can be found in little moments, too, and those are the ones I try to find.

  22. You are EVERYTHING BUT ordinary!
    I can’t imagine how you feel like this, since you are a SUPERSTAR in my eyes.

    never doubt the AMAZING person you are.

    I don’t. 🙂 xo

  23. Oh, honey. I can so relate. I feel this same way. OFTEN!!

    I burn rice, I can’t draw, I’m terrible at math, I’ve been rockin’ the same hairstyle for 5+ years, I hire a gardener and a house keeper and the occasional baby sitter. Oh, and? My body is failing me! I’ve had three miscarriages and one failed IVF attempt. Feel any better? 🙂

    I watch TV and read pretty well and I still send birthday cards in the mail.

    Sending you LOVE and smiles and HOPE for feel better days.

  24. Most days I would be thrilled to achieve the heights of mediocrity and ordinary. Depression and anxiety make me feel so much less than that, keep me from being at least that much and more, which, somewhere deep down inside, I still believe I can be. And you can too.

  25. This, my friend, is called Negative Self-Talk. I am an expert on it as I have perfected the art of it for 32 years 😉

    It’s so hard to stop telling yourself these things. Believe me, right now, my brain is totally screwed up and is currently telling me that I am worth nothing. It sucks but the trick is to not listen. And that’s tough. Because we always have our thoughts, don’t we.

    But sometimes our thoughts are wrong. Really, they are. I hold fast to the belief that I am worth 1000x what my brain is telling me. Because I am scared of myself if I don’t 🙁

    I know you’re frustrated. I know the road ahead seems miles long. But you’ll get there. You might not know where you’re headed. But you WILL get there.

  26. Depression doesn’t need a reason Katie. It feeds off of negativity and it makes it hard for us to see anything but mediocre (did I spell that right? Fack)
    Am I making sense? Please forget about the girl behind the computer screen.

  27. i would never think of you as ordinary. this blog, for one, is extraordinary!
    one day at a time, my friend.