The Priest

It’s time for me to introduce you to another Sluiter Nation Recruit.

Don’t know what a Recruit is?  Start here.

Today Sluiter Nation welcomes Kimberly from All Work and No Play Make Mommy Go Something Something. Why yes, that IS a mouthful.

Kimberly is the mom to Chunky, a sweet little monster toddler who fiercely loves his Mama.

She is a fellow PPD ass-kicking mom, but she does it with a LOT more grace and humor than I do.  In fact, hers was one of the first blogs I found when I was searching for other PPD moms.  Her story humbles me and brings me to my knees daily.

Kim fights more than PPD.  She fights The Man.

But she has Chuck Norris on her side, so it’s all good.

*************

It’s 2 am and I’m still sitting in front of a blank Word Document on the computer. It’s my fault. I waited till the last minute to crank out a mind blowing post for Katie.  In my defence, I’ve had bazillion things to do these past few weeks like tanning and getting my bangs trimmed and making out with leftover Easter candy.

What?

Those are important.

My brain hurts.

And I’m pretty sure that the stupid paper clip guy in the corner of my computer screen is mocking me right now. I know he is. His eye is twitching. I think he’s tired too and wants to go to cyber bed.

I want to stab him with my mouse pointer.

Oh why do I find that hilarious right now?

Exhaustion makes everything funny no?

Like this one time my husband and I attended a wedding rehearsal. I was 4 weeks postpartum and had probably only slept a total of 3 hours in a week span. I could barely keep my eyes open as we watched the bride walk down the aisle for the umpteenth time.

Bride-zilla wanted it perfect.

I on the other hand wanted to take a nap in the confessional booth.

Anylackofsleep, she was lucky she was beautiful.

And my friend.

So there we were standing before the altar. Guys on the right. Girls on the left. I wasn’t paying any attention to what we were supposed to do. I was thinking about how awesome my breastfeeding boobs looked in this shirt.

And then before the Lord, I may have anointed each breast with a name.

Sally Jesse and Raphael.

Because at the time, that sounded awesome.

Then I began to wonder how I would stuff Sally Jesse and Raphael into the bridesmaid dress when I heard…

Riiiiiiiiiipppppppp…put…put…put….

Someone broke wind in the house of God.

My head shot towards the direction of the men, whose heads were bowed in silence. There was no congratulatory high fives or giggles because you know how men are.

And I began to wonder if that wasn’t a fart after all.

So I forgot about it.

A few minutes had passed…

And I heard it again.

Riiiiiippppp…pflllubbbbb…put….put…put…

There was no denying it.

That was a fart.

I sealed my lungs knowing full well that wherever that sound came from there was a stench that would follow.

I looked towards the men and still nothing.

I looked to the girls beside me and they weren’t laughing.

Then I looked towards the altar. Was it Kenny, the groom? Was it Sabrina the bride?

Did they have nervous tummies?

Just then the priest bent over to pick up a sheet of paper and I heard it.

Riiippppp….thuppppp….put…put…put….

It was him!

The priest.

It was so loud and forceful that I’m pretty sure that he blew the paint off of the statue Jesus.

It was so loud and forceful that the drapes on the altar rustled.

It was so loud and forceful that it curled the hair on the choir lady’s wig.

And he stood back up and carried on with talking like nothing happened.

And so did everyone else.

Except ridiculously exhausted me.

I laughed.

I laughed so hard that tears welled in my eyes.

Renata, the maid of honour jabbed my ribs.

My husband looked at me sternly.

But I couldn’t stop laughing.

Why was I the ONLY ONE LAUGHING?

I tried to contain the giggles and mask them with coughs and throat clearing when the mother of the bride came up behind me and whispered

“Kim, the priest has a colostomy bag. It ummm…burps every once in a while.”

Yes, I felt like a total a-hole.

But I will admit, it was pretty damn funny.

So have you ever been so exhausted that you have found something so ridiculous completely hilarious?

Am I the only one?

*************

Ok, wipe the tears of laughter out of your eyes and clean up the the soda or coffee you just sprayed out of your nose and go follow Kimberly on twitter.

Then check out her awesome blog:

She’s a girl after my own heart:  Why You Shouldn’t Go To Wal-Mart When You’re In A “Mood

She has an AWESOME husband: Thank You For Loving Me

And she kicks the ASS out of the stereotype of a mentally ill person: Just Like You

Kimberly definitely has a piece of my heart.  Even if she IS Canadian.

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About Katie

Just a small town girl...wait no. That is a Journey song. Katie Sluiter is a small town girl, but she is far from living in a lonely world. She is a middle school English teacher, writer, mother, and wife. Life has thrown her a fair share of challenges, but her belief is that writing through them makes her stronger.

Comments

  1. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! That WAS funny. Oh my. I had a friend who laughed so hard once, she farted. And made us all laugh even harder. So much so, I snorted.

    I know, that has nothing to do with inappropriate laughter. But it did involve farting and laughing 🙂

  2. HIlarious. So glad you featured Kimberly because I have heard of her before but never actually visited her blog. Going to visit her now…

  3. Thank you so much Katie for having me over at your place 😉 I am so super honoured!!
    Love you hard Momma xoxo

  4. Oh gosh, that’s about the funniest thing I’ve read in a very long time. Kimberly, you rocked this.

    (And I’m really glad the broken air came from the priest and not you. I had this sense of dread while I was reading….until I found the priest did it) Priceless.

  5. This is awesome! Why in the eff didn’t anyone prepare you for that little tidbit earlier?!?!?! I would have died. DIED.

  6. You already had me with “Sally Jesse” and “Raphael” the boobs – I was picturing little red glasses perched on each one…

    And then you hit me with the farting.

    NO way I wouldn’t have laughed. Even on a good night’s sleep. I still think gas is about as hilarious as life gets.

    (good thing I have a teenage boy, right?)

    You made me smile, Kim. Hard!
    riiiiiiipp!

  7. Reminds me of the time my husband and i went to a Quaker wedding where there is a lot of silence. We didn’t know what was happening and started laughing until we were crying until the person behind us said “first time at a Quaker Wedding, huh?” Then we had to leave.

  8. I LOVE Canadians. You can’t go wrong with a Canadian blogger in my opinion, eh?

  9. I could write a manual about how to get the giggles at inappropriate times, lol. I know exactly what you are talking about here! Off to check out your blog, Kimberly!

  10. how did you know I spit soda all overy my keyboard?
    Are you psychic??? LOL

    this…seriously funny!!!!!! SO glad you introduced her to me….I’m following now. 🙂

  11. *giggle* *giggle* *snort* This is awesome! Yes!! But when I get such giggles, I can’t stop & the more I try, the worse it gets. Sleep deprivation is like being drunk & slap happy. Thanks for starting my day off with a good giggle!! <3

    • It is so much worse when you try to hold a laugh in. Kind of like when my grandpa passed, my grandma didn’t like the way his hands were in the coffin so she reached in there and tried to make them “look” comfortable…It was a ridiculous sight and I couldn’t stop laughing. Yea, I’m an a-hole.

  12. Nicely done Kim. I find everything funny when I am sleep deprived which is also when I think I write the best.

  13. In all fairness, you all should have been warned about the colostomy bag!

  14. im so glad you spotlighted her. She is lovely and loveable and kick ass and fantastic!!

  15. Oh My Kimberly. Oh. My. I’d have been laughing right along with you. Like that snorty kind that you try to keep quiet for a while but then it just bursts out of you? You should have high fived the Priest, that’s what I’m saying.

    • When I had to recieve the body of the Jesus man on the day of the wedding, I couldn’t even look the priest in the eye..

  16. i love that you were 4 wks PP, delirious, and still able to laugh. love you kim!

  17. Hey, Canadians are awesome! (Ahem.)

    As for the post, dying laughing. It’s so much worse when you know you’re not supposed to be laughing but can’t stop.

    Also, why the hell didn’t they tell you in advance so it didn’t result in an awkward situation?!

  18. Oh my god, Kimberly. You kill me.
    Everything is funnier when you’re sleep deprived, totally.

    • Thing is, most colostomy bags kind of sound like tupperware burping but those were farts. I’m still in debate as to whether or not he was actually farting.

  19. BWAHAHAHAHA!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

    I stop giggling and then I think about the priest and I get the mental image of this priest being the one from The Princess Bride and then I’m all “Mawwage pfffttt is what bwings us pfffftttttt togevah pffft today.”

    LOVE YOUR FACE, KIM.