uncomplicated love

The big brown chair.

When it was purchased there was no emotional expectation.  No one foresaw any moments to be had in the chair except lazy ones that matched the couch.

But the lack of expectations was a mistake.

That brown chair has become ours.  Mine and Eddie’s.

We melt into each other in that chair just minutes before bedtime.

He has his little yellow and green pipy and his well-worn lamby.

I am squished to one side in my fleece bathrobe while he is in a little ball on a pillow next to me.

My head rests ever so close to his soft, blond curls.

He is busy watching Wheel of Fortune and rubbing one of lamby’s ears across his nose.

He suddenly stops and turns to look at me.

Our faces are so close his little button nose is almost touching mine.

I can smell the lilac night time lotion on his skin.

A smile spreads suddenly under his pipey, and he quickly grabs the pacifier out of his mouth and leans in, mouth open.

His small, warm mouth covers mine quickly.

He giggles and whispers, “pssfff psssfff psssfff.”

His hand touches my check and he giggles again.

And just like that he pops the pipey back in his mouth and snuggles down under my chin.

But for me it is not over.  I sit their smiling and glowing from within.

My baby boy loves me.

Most people would stop here and say, “of course he does.”

But it hasn’t always been so evident to me.  That is the curse of PPD.

Those few minutes in the chair are ones that I will pack away in my heart and keep for always.

I wish Eddie could somehow also keep those moments in his heart.

Someday when he is a grumpy, angsty teen.

Someday when everything I do is wrong.

Someday when I am not there.

I wish he could see us like this.

Because it pains me to think he would forget these fleeting moments.

That he would forget the love between the two of us.

Completely unconditional with no complications.

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About Katie

Just a small town girl...wait no. That is a Journey song. Katie Sluiter is a small town girl, but she is far from living in a lonely world. She is a middle school English teacher, writer, mother, and wife. Life has thrown her a fair share of challenges, but her belief is that writing through them makes her stronger.

Comments

  1. Really beautiful post. I’ve just gotten to the stage where my baby will actually sit still with me for a moment on the couch. It’s fleeting but there is nothing on this earth that makes me happier.

  2. This is so fantastic and speaks to my heart. It’s exactly why I tumbled the picture I did from yesterday, and why I took pictures of me holding Joshua on Saturday. Sometimes, I just need photographic proof that he loves me so that I can remember and so that he can, too.

  3. lovely lovely lovely. these moments are my favorite.

  4. Very beautiful, you took me right to that moment and made me want to hang on to it for you.

  5. beautiful post…this makes me feel all squishy with love mush inside.

  6. What a gorgeous moment to capture. I also wish it was possible to bottle those moments, so that they would always, always feel unconditionally loved and accepted and safe.

  7. Moments like those are a gift for any mother, but even more so in the wake of PPD. You express it so beautifully.

  8. that was beautiful made me tear up a little bit. I feel hated by my children sometimes. I guess it is a curse of the ppd. Thanks for reminding me that I pack away these special lovey moments and I need to reminisce more often.

  9. This made me cry! So beautiful.

  10. He will not forget. Even though he won’t remember the moments exactly, he will never lose the foundation of love you are laying that will stay with him forever!

  11. Sigh. I love those moments. I am living them right now, thanks to your words.

  12. I love when you write on motherhood. I’m a first-time momma of a toddler boy too (7/09) and you capture what I am feeling in such a beautiful way.

  13. I wish we could bottle these moments and save them. I wish I could record my children saying “Mommy you’re the best mommy ever” so I can replay it when they are teenagers. I wish I didn’t have to go to work so I could have more of these moments. I wish some days when I am the most tired that I would just forget about everything on my to do list and just sit, and have more of these moments.

    Thank you for reminding me of the most important moment of my day.

  14. They pull away, but it’s not forever. I promise you they come back.

    That was beautiful.

  15. “I sit their smiling and glowing from within.” Oh thank you and now I do too.

  16. That was beautiful. I love those moments so very much. They hang in my memory as well.

  17. The moments when our little ones reach out for affection without our prompts are overwhelmingly beautiful. As a fellow PPD fighter, I too bask in this sunshine that breaks through the dreariest of days. Hold on a little tighter, a little longer.

  18. Those night time moments are the best part of my day.

  19. Those are precious moments! I try to get them as much as I can, thankfully Alex, the rambunctious 2.5yr old that he is, still indulges me when it comes to cuddling up together. I ask for those “huggle” moments several times a day. They are so very fleeting.

  20. I’ve wanted one of those big cozy chairs for a while, for just this reason. My boy will be 8 years old soon, but still snuggles like a baby.. we need one of those chairs.

  21. I loved, loved that your writing in this piece was as uncomplicated as the love that you felt (Yay!) in that moment.

  22. Once again, such a beautiful post showing a glimpse into your life and love for your little boy. So sweet! 🙂

  23. My favorite kind of moment. So sweet.

  24. I love this post because it’s like a snapshot. A single moment that could be anyone’s moment, except it’s not. It’s yours. Thank you for sharing it.

  25. When I first read this, I thought of our yellow glider, which we brought home and had reupholstered when Mark’s aunt passed away.

    I never imagined the hours, the grooves in the floor.

    And how much I love rocking and reading with him there.

  26. I wish there was a fly on the wall to capture snapshots of when I’m on the couch, sandwiched between the two kids who are all up in my grill with their lovin’. It doesn’t happen all the time, but when it does, I look at all the empty seats in the room and think “some day they aren’t going to want to do this” and I just relish it.

  27. Perfection!!
    Oh how i wish for the very same things. That my daughter knew my struggle and how very much I loved her. How my heart feels like it might explode when I rock her, how just one kiss from her makes my day.
    You put it perfectly!

  28. I snuggled a lot with my little guy today since he’s sickly and we sat together in my big, over-sized chair too. I’m sorry he’s sick but I loved the snuggle moments, just like yours here. Sometimes I really do wish this innocence could last forever…

  29. Oh! This was so beautiful! I have a lump in my throat and a smile on my face.

  30. There are many days when I miss that, to be able to curl up with one of my little ones on my lap. They are all too big now, but how I cherish those memories. At least I can still hold them close (sometimes) and breathe in their unique scents and feel the warmth of them.