Secret Mommyhood Confessions

This week has been a roller coaster for me as evidenced by my up and down posts this week.  In the middle of said coaster, I was directed by The Empress to go read a post by Melanie on Bronx to Boulder. And when the Empress tells all the world to do something?  You do it.

I totally related to Melanie’s post about blogging being a bit like high school–not knowing who your “circle” of friends is.

And then, the lovely Gigi posted about questioning your blogging.  Amazing.  Again it was EXACTLY what I had been going through lately.

Because friends?

My name is Katie, and I have low blog esteem.

It’s true.  I have been fighting it like crazy and telling myself I don’t care about numbers or comments…I am here to WRITE!

Yeah, right.

I’ll just admit right now that I love it when people read my words.  Love it.  Getting comments is like a little high..once you’ve had that high, you want it over and over.

I have been blogging for almost four years.  Just my family and friends read for the first three years.  If I got a comment, I about had a heart attack.  Oh there were some faithful friends (Missy, Trisha) who would leave me a little love here and there, but I mostly wrote just because I wanted to.

And then you all found me (I won’t lie, twitter helped with this. So if you are all new to blogging?  GET ON TWITTER!).

Since that day I have been struggling with my confidence as a blogger.

You see, I have read the “big blogs,” I have swapped stories and comments and twitter love with some bloggers who–in my eyes–are wildly successful.

I have found myself thinking that I am “friends” with a group of people only to notice that they have jokes I know nothing about.  Or they are all DM-ing each other on twitter, while my direct message column sits empty.

I have had posts I write explode with comments only to have a week go by where you would think my blog fell off the interwebs.

I have (foolishly) stared at my analytics to see if I am getting more readers.

And I have compared my writing to some of the best (again, foolishly).

Up until recently, I thought everyone in the blog world was lovely and friendly and just great.  People?  This is not the case.

I have learned of backstabbing and using and lying and stealing and gossiping and hurt.

I liked it better when I was naive and didn’t know there were “mean girls” in the blog world.

I never went into blogging thinking I could make a name for myself or get a book deal.  I just like to write.

More often than not, I have to remind myself of that.

Because I have become addicted.  Addicted to the comments.  To the community.  To the hope of finding real friendships.

And this addiction has left me uncertain.

Am I good enough to hang with the great writers?

Do I deserve the recognitions that people do give me?

Will those readers be back tomorrow?

Should I be doing more?

But in the end?  It really doesn’t matter.  I do love to push myself to be better for you, but really I am here for me.

And the only person I am really competing with here is myself.

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About Katie

Just a small town girl...wait no. That is a Journey song. Katie Sluiter is a small town girl, but she is far from living in a lonely world. She is a middle school English teacher, writer, mother, and wife. Life has thrown her a fair share of challenges, but her belief is that writing through them makes her stronger.

Comments

  1. This is spot on just like Gigi’s and Melanie’s. And the funny thing is that I too have been mulling over a post about blogging insecurity. It stinks that so many of us feel this way, especially those of you that I read frequently and have deemed so successful, whether that be in popularity or in excellent writing. Thanks for sharing your feelings with your readers.

  2. I’ve been blogging for roughly six seconds, so I was late to find you. I stumbled on your blog a few weeks ago thanks to the Twitter. I think you are clever and thoughtful and very deserving of your space in the blog world. Thanks for making me laugh!

  3. Everything you just wrote? Everything you have been thinking and have been wondering? I’m going through myself. I feel the same. exact. way. And you want to know something?
    You are one of those “big time bloggers” I look up to, just so you know. Eek.

  4. I follow you on twitter and clicked over here to read this, which resonates so deeply! I started blogging to keep up with out-of-state family, and then it turned into therapy for dealing with my daughters’ medical conditions, and then I just discovered (again, I knew this in high school) that I just enjoy writing. But if you spend any time in the blog world and/or on twitter, you do see the hierarchy/pecking order/cliques just like high school and it is a bit ridiculous. If you stop people on the street, 9 out of 10 will have no idea who these big bloggers are. It’s a warped little world, which can be fun if we keep it in perspective. (My two cents, as a miniscule little mom blogger!!)

  5. I always joke that I blog because I wasn’t rocked enough as a baby. Otherwise, why would I crave the interaction so much? It makes me feel really good when I check my email and see that people have left comments on my blog. Makes me feel kind of silly, really!
    I sometimes feel kind of out of the loop too. I feel like I’m not the best blog/twitter friend. Some days, I’m on and off all day. Other days, I am MIA. It’s hard to feel like you’re a part of things when you’re not fully committed. But, I want friends. Really, I do. lol

  6. For the record…I just found you recently and love what you have to say. You’re real…and that’s important to me (it was also important to me in high school).

    I’d love to have you poke around my fledgling blog and give me pointers, encouragement, constructive criticism…whatever!

  7. Oh my gosh – it’s like you took the words right out of my head. Being a blogger newbie, it’s so hard to try and connect sometimes when you feel like all these connections/friendships have already been formed. I’ve been on twitter for a while & involved in the social media community in Detroit, but just launched my blog in early January. Trying to get into the mommy blogger community on twitter & in the blogosphere is tough! A month into it – it’s still all so daunting. I started it for something that I would hope my kids would read & laugh at one day but YOU DO get caught up in the analytics no matter how much you try not to. I want to attend some of these conferences but then I think who the heck would I even room with?!?!!! I also get what you mean about the inside jokes, trying to find real friendships – honestly every line in this post after I read it I was screaming yes YES YES! I would agree though with Pua – I consider you a big blogger. Your blog is one I regularly check & it is loved!

  8. Loved what you wrote!! I started my blog very recently basically for my own therapeutic benefit however I completely get everything you’ve written because I think as women and moms we really do want to be the best at what we do. And at least with me I want people to like my work. I’ve been working hard at putting it all in perspective though…and for the record I do love your blog!!!

  9. Confession #1: Your blog is one of the few I ALWAYS read. I like your writing, I relate to your story, and I think you’re spunky.

    Confession #2: In my eyes, you are “wildly” successful. You’ve got a community, you get a decent number of comments, you’ve been syndicated on BlogHer, you’re part of the TRDC team. I would kill for any of that.

    Confession #3: I’m starting to feel like I’m stalking you. You know, the new blogger who reads and comments on everything and just drives you crazy.

    So there 😉

  10. I needed to hear you say all of the things you just did, because you are an amazing writer and I come HERE and feel inept in my own writing and blogging and to know that you feel the same helps immensely. You have a wonderful way with words and you just need to keep on spilling them whether you feel like 10 people or 10 million people are reading. Because if you touch one person, just like you touched me today. It is worth it all.

  11. Katie, I’ll totally be your friend. I stay out of the whole blogging group thing myself. Don’t get me wrong, I have bloggy friends who are good people but I love words too much to get too focused on the mean side of things. I think we’d get along especially since I’m a total fan of your writing! 🙂

  12. Noodle. You are fantastic. I come to your blog because your writing makes me laugh till I pee, cry my ugly cry, think long and hard, and want to he a better writer!!
    Keep keepin on Katie!
    I all kinds of proud!

  13. oh, girl. Do I know those feelings.

    I always feel like the odd girl out. That I don’t have my niche. That I am NOTHING compared the writing & wit & photography & graphic design of someone else. It sucks. I try to keep my chin up & keep doing my thing. Wether it sucks or it’s awesome, it’s me. & I have to embrace it.

  14. I SO know this pain, but whatever else happens and whoever else says/does/reads whatever, you’re easily one of my favorites. Top 10, at least!

  15. you are awesome awesome awesome. i can relate to this – i think we all feel insecure at one point or another (or daily). keep writing. i’ll be around. 🙂

  16. When you write, I’m glad you do. When you don’t, I wish you would. That should tell you I’m a fan.

    Keep up the good work.

  17. I posted about this exact thing a bit ago. It’s sad.

    YOU are on the of “big” fish to me!!!

  18. I think it’s great that you love to write and write for you. I just started out about six months ago and realized that I blog because I like to write and it gives me a sense of purpose. It also combats boredom for me when I’m at home part-time taking care of my girls.

    You are a great writer and I keep coming back to read you. Glad I found you via Saturday’s Mommy Confessions. To us little people, us newbies … you are one of the BIG fish! :)))

  19. I found you via another mommy blog on one of my strolls around the interwebs and you are everything that I love to read. So I started following you on twitter so I could keep a closer eye on when you posted. When your cat got sick I sent you a tweet because I felt for you, then you responded and, sad to say,my first reaction was, ‘squeeeeee a writer I respect responded to me’

    You are a great inspiration. Plus, If it makes you feel any better I have been blogging since 2006 and rarely get comments but I find it fun to look back on post from the begging to see how far I’ve come.

  20. Love this. I have also watched my stats as if willing more people to read my favorite posts. I love your writing, and while I’ve only found you recently, I already feel addicted stalker-ish.

  21. i wrote a post awhile back about blogging being like high school…

    http://www.workwifemomlife.com/2010/09/blogging-is-like-high-school.html

    i feel like those “big bloggers” have all become friends with each other and it’s hard to get in that circle. I’ve tweeted some only to never have a reply back. when i was a little more out there in blog world (i had a little more time to hop around) people would visit… some of those whom have grown quite a bit recently… but when i was short on time and couldn’t return visits, those people never came back… so it got me thinking… were they just visiting b/c they wanted my return visit or did they really like my blog??? i think it was the first choice.

    but oh well. my stats have dropped since i can’t hop around much. i don’t have time to visit all the blogs i would love to. i just DON’T have time!! and i feel like i’m punished for that by not getting visits/comments. i wish my page views were up like they were back in may/june/july of last year… but i just dn’t have the time to put into blog hopping, community hopping and getting my face out there… nor do i want people to visit out of obligation or returning the favor from visiting their blog. blogging is a “who you know” business. and unfortunately i think the blogosphere is becoming pretty saturated so it’s harder and harder for smaller blogs to grow

  22. Hi Katie. Saw your tweet & wanted to read. Now that I have I want you to know that your writing is great and as one comment said- honest. I’ve been writing online for some 13 years, but only anonymously until the last two years. I enourage you to continue writing for you & as you are. If we all wrote the same then the blogging world would be boring. Thanks for always sharing a part of you with us.

  23. I read every post although I don’t always comment…we’re in the same hood homey so consider us a clique! 🙂

  24. I hear you. Sometimes I feel like I’m Charlton Heston in The Omega Man. Most of the time I get some page views and no comments. I sometimes get RT’d on Twitter but still no comments.

    I have four blogs on four different topics. I seem to have a multiple personality disorder. I do not have one friend who is comfortable with all four aspects of my life.

    I think your blog is well written. This is my first visit… I have no idea how I got here… but I will be coming back. 😀

  25. While this doesn’t it help you, it certainly helps all of us smaller fish to know that there are writers out there that we admire that feel the same uncertainties that we do.
    Yes, I’ll never get the inside jokes and I do my best to keep my head above the fray. But I’ll tell you what helped me the most: doing what you just did. I wrote about this doubt recently and the tears were ridiculous but I got it out there and off my chest. Also, I wrote about the jealousy I have for the attention of a certain big blogger. Before I hit publish, I poured my heart out to her. Totally worth it.
    You’ve got a great community of adorers….we just all suck at sharing that love.

  26. So a couple of days ago I put this red dress on and accessorized it with a pair of stilettos and then discovered that I can’t get the fercockteh thing off. Well, I couldn’t and then I said screw it and tore the damn thing right off of me. Would like to think it was sexy but figure it was closer to high comedy.

    Anyhoo, after seven years of blogging I know very little other than you can’t last if you don’t love it. If you let yourself get caught in the drama it will feel like high school, but most of that drama is created in our heads. Some blogs get a lot of comments and others don’t. There isn’t a good explanation other than…shit happens.

    Find the writers who resonate with you and enjoy them. Enjoy your own writing and don’t worry about whether people love or hate you. Life is much easier that way.

  27. I love your blog and I love commenting (because I too love getting comments). But I’m not joining twitter. The last thing I need is something else to be addicted to on the internet. I’m already way off the deep end.

    Now I’m thinking about twitter… wondering what I’m missing out on…. GAH!

  28. Hey! I’m a new follower from The Rant. I am so happy I popped over – your writing is awesome!! The few lines from a previous blog, the cap and gown lines, left me with tears and chills! Can’t wait to read more!! Kelly

  29. I wrote this exact post…..in my mind. Just stopping by to give you a HIT for your addiction. Write on!

  30. I’m with Lynnie. I wrote this post. In my head. You? You put it out there.

    I’ve been feeling exactly like this since I read those posts last week (and the one on Band Back Together). And then I read the one Jenn tweeted out about it being ridiculous to feel insecure about your blogging and then I was all conflicted and confused. And I hate conflicted and confused.

    I, like you, write because I NEED to write. But I’m not going to lie and say I don’t get over-the-moon giddy when I see notices from Disqus telling me I have a new comment. Because I totally do. I do little girl jumps and claps and get all SQUEE! every. single. time.

    In this, as in everything, it’s hard not to compare unless we never read another blog. And then what sort of community are we building?

  31. You are a fantastic writer! My blogging experience is a LITTLE like yours, in that it was for friends/family at the beginning, and I am now just starting to branch out. But I’m not nearly as successful as you! I know it’s not helpful for you necessarily, but you are one of the bloggers I look up to and consider an example 🙂

  32. I read this last night…but got sidelined by my family before I could comment.

    I am kind of in awe that you feel this way! I look up to you, not only as an excellent writer, but as someone who is very involved in high-profile blog community activities. I aspire to be where you are (assuming I had the time to maintain it)! LoL

    I’m very impressed by the consistent quality of your content as well as how helpful and kind you are to those of us who are a little less accomplished. 🙂

  33. Comments and increased followers is like being addicted to crack. I’ve never done crack before but I imagine they’re a lot alike. I hate that I’m a numbers/stat watcher. Some days I’m all, WTF this posts rocks and I only got 3 comments? I hate that I’m that girl but in the end, you’re right. The writing is for us personally and we need to try to get past all this.

  34. You are a big blogger to me. You are a BIG hearted loving blogger whose door is always open and you somehow make the time to visit and comment: you make it a priority.

    Me, on the other hand–head hanging in shame–me? I am a loser in the able to visit back dept.

    There it is.

    We do what we can.

    But, you are a wonderful, big, loving bloggy love to me.

    I will always follow you.

    Because you and I share something….and we need each other for this reason.

    I have the PPD badge up at my site, too.

    Love you, girl.

  35. I am sorry for being late to this party. I have been meaning to come by for 2 days. I am glad I did.

    You know I need only say, “I get it.”

    I get you.

    xoxo

    Keep up your chin and I”ll keep up mine. Pinky swear?

  36. This is like you opened up my heart and wrote exactly what I feel. (minus the whole open heart surgery visual I just gave you. Sorry about that)

    I often find myself on twitter feeling like I am on the fringe of the community, wondering if I’m really a part of the “group” or not. It is hard.

  37. Just so you know, I have been away for a week. I am ‘catching up’ and reading this post now because I love your writing. You are on my ‘must read list’. You are with out a doubt ‘good enough to hang with the great writers’. And I am a big fan even though I may not always comment. Keep on writing, Katie!

    Shanon

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  2. […] The blogoshpere is all atwitter (again) about how blogging is like high school.  With cliques and hurt feelings, inside jokes and grandeurs of inadequacy. […]